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Anti-jokes

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Hemulen.
Posts: 448 - Karma: 17
two men are sitting in a pub. one man turns to the other and says:
"last night i saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."
the other man replies "Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit."

What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the batmobile?
"Robin, please, get in the batmobile.

how many jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
one, they are as physically able as any other human.
Aug 5 2010 8:03AM
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martin.
Posts: 2115 - Karma: 34
A man walks into a bar.

Alcoholism is destroying his family.
Aug 5 2010 8:04AM
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skithesprings
Posts: 9086 - Karma: 1,349
A woman walks into the kitchen to make a sandwich because she is hungry and she likes sandwiches.
Aug 5 2010 8:49AM
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Hemulen.
Posts: 448 - Karma: 17
hahah nice one
Aug 5 2010 8:51AM
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1337
Posts: 31054 - Karma: 29,246
Whats the difference between a jew and a christian?

not much besides their religious beliefs.
Aug 5 2010 8:53AM
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thugaim
Posts: 2181 - Karma: 33
A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
Nov 22 2010 9:27PM
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soulskier
Posts: 17806 - Karma: 3,841
what do you call a black man who flies planes? a pilot!
Nov 22 2010 9:30PM
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soulskier
Posts: 17806 - Karma: 3,841
how do get a nun pregnant? you fuck her
Nov 22 2010 9:31PM
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tacobellslayer
Posts: 1493 - Karma: 214
knock knock!
"Whos there?"
Noone, you are alone
Nov 22 2010 9:35PM
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Blurst
Posts: 13577 - Karma: 10,169
What colour is the sky at night?

There are stars in it
Nov 22 2010 9:36PM
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JamesR
Posts: 3396 - Karma: -12
How many kangaroos does it take to fix a leaky water main? None, a kangaroo has neither the intelligence nor dexterity to do any kind of plumbing work. At best it could try to locate the source of the leak by jumping around, but even then it would be hard pushed to actually do anything about it.
Nov 22 2010 9:37PM
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Nathn
Posts: 2408 - Karma: 63
What's worse than a worm in your apple?


The holocaust.






What would George Washington do if he were alive today?



Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
Feb 21 2011 10:02PM
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Panda_with_Guns
Posts: 3040 - Karma: 1,620
Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not alive and thus incapable of feeling fear.
Feb 21 2011 10:13PM
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ORDEAL
Posts: 6386 - Karma: 75
^ why else was six afraid o seven? Because six was a serial killer who had killed/raped all of six's family.
Feb 21 2011 10:18PM
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Heinzler
Posts: 1931 - Karma: 125
two men walk into a bar. the third one ducks.
Feb 21 2011 10:19PM
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mommy
Posts: 12072 - Karma: 59
i've been watching a lot of neil hamburger on youtube...

he's funny, you're all gay

(not an anti-joke, although by your standards it probably could be)
Feb 21 2011 10:28PM
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mommy
Posts: 12072 - Karma: 59
and the all around kykiness
Feb 21 2011 10:31PM
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PhilboydStudge
Posts: 3431 - Karma: 206
Haha I like these much better than normal jokes
Feb 21 2011 10:32PM
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PhilboydStudge
Posts: 3431 - Karma: 206
Haha I like these much better than normal jokes
Feb 21 2011 10:32PM
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Mr.Luke
Posts: 2441 - Karma: 166
What do you call a black man who flies?

A black angel

Just kidding, all black people go to hell
Feb 21 2011 10:49PM
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Deezy
Posts: 4580 - Karma: 1,004
reppost... my thread a while ago... but

whats worse then finding a worm in ur apple?
getting fucked by a giant scorpion

whats worse then flunking ur math test?
the holocaust

Whats red and smells like blue paint?
red paint

why did sally fall of the swings?
she had no arms

why did the boy drop his icecream?
he was hit by a bus


Feb 21 2011 10:52PM
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no_steeze
Posts: 23992 - Karma: 4,272
knock knock
-who's there?
to
-to who?
to whom*
Feb 21 2011 10:52PM
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derf
Posts: 36 - Karma: 17
So there's a plane crash in the middle of this rain forrest, and the
airline company send in their team of people to go and investigate it.
After like a week of looking around the crash site, looking at the
info from the black box recorder and trying to find what went wrong
they had absolutely no idea.

So then the company who made the plane sent their guys in to look
around and try to figure it out but they couldn't work out anything
either.

The government then said, "right this is enough" and decide to send in
their top engineers and crash investigators who are there for ages.
One day during the investigation, one the guys in climbing down from
the top of the plane and looks through the window into the cockpit
He says, "I've got it! The pilot was a tomato."
Feb 22 2011 12:46AM
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Jahrassicpark
Posts: 2075 - Karma: 38
What do apples and oranges have in common?

Neither can fly airplanes
Feb 22 2011 12:51AM
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iSmokeweed
Posts: 4793 - Karma: 1,370
so much lols.

Two jews walk into a bar.


































































Micheal Jackson
Feb 22 2011 12:58AM
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array.
Posts: 2439 - Karma: 202
what does a dog say when it's hungry?

nothing, a dog is unable to speak.
Feb 22 2011 1:07AM
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no_steeze
Posts: 23992 - Karma: 4,272
a giraffe walks into a bar and destroys the door frame, ceiling, and most of the interior due to his size. the bartender calls animal control who tranquilizes the giraffe and returns him to the local zoo where he remains, watching children laugh at him while he poops

why is airline food so bad?
because it is difficult to prepare high quality meals for large volumes of people on a low budget while enclosed in a small cabin 35,000 feet in the air

what does a deer have in common with a worm?
they both live underground, aside from the deer

why can't hellen keller drive?
because she is dead

what do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?
a stick

a black man, a mexican, and a jew are about to jump out of a plane to go skydiving. they all wish each other luck and safely return to the ground

your girlfriend is so ugly that i probably would not have sex with her

why did the black man steal the bicycle?
because he was being chased by a wolverine and needed to escape
Feb 22 2011 1:18AM
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tall_pants
Posts: 663 - Karma: 446
What do you call a rich Blackman? An accomplished person
Feb 22 2011 2:01AM
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eldridge
Posts: 2272 - Karma: 47
hilarious thread
Feb 22 2011 2:19AM
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hurrdurr
Posts: 349 - Karma: 29
i told some of these to my sister and she was all confused haha
Feb 22 2011 7:59AM
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steezy.stew
Posts: 1137 - Karma: 568
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by it surroundings, and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.
Feb 22 2011 9:04AM
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little1337
Posts: 8241 - Karma: 47,862
two black guys walk into a bar, order their drinks, leave a 15% tip and couldn't have been more pleased.-stewie griffin
Feb 22 2011 9:49AM
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incognegroe
Posts: 84 - Karma: 10
your mother is so fat that bshe should probably join a weight loss club such as jenny craig because extreme obesity can cause high blood pressure and cholesterol and lead to type two diabetes
Feb 22 2011 10:37AM
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CrunkNugget
Posts: 1279 - Karma: 16
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "why the long face?" the horse says "because my wife has terminal cancer"
Feb 22 2011 11:07AM
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broto
Posts: 9039 - Karma: 25,662
what's the difference between a bench and a black guy?

a bench is a piece of furniture that is used to sit or rest on, often seen in public places or parks. a black man is a human being with a dark skin tone that is from africa or has african american ancestors.
Feb 22 2011 11:15AM
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pimpcat
Posts: 858 - Karma: 321
 A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots. The bartender says "Rough day, eh?" The man says "Yes, very rough."

He then goes home and hangs himself.
Feb 22 2011 1:10PM
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Alex=God
Posts: 2422 - Karma: 139
roses are red
violets are blue
i have a gun
get in the van
Feb 22 2011 1:43PM
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Travapple.
Posts: 6787 - Karma: 88
why did the airplane crash into the mounbtain?

because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
----------------------------------------


so there are 2 muffins in the oven, one muffin says to the other "boy it sure is hot in here" the other muffin replies "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Feb 22 2011 3:04PM
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eldridge
Posts: 2272 - Karma: 47
a white guy, a jew, and a black guy walk into a bar, the black guy is told to leave because its the 1950's and he isnt allowed inside
Feb 22 2011 3:08PM
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mad.twatter
Posts: 210 - Karma: 28
Solid thread omg.
Feb 22 2011 3:15PM
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andre^sss
Posts: 21 - Karma: 26
threads
Feb 22 2011 3:20PM
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Keith.
Posts: 967 - Karma: 88
Whats green and has wheels?

Grass I lied about the wheels :)
Feb 22 2011 3:20PM
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_Ryan_
Posts: 1538 - Karma: 3,192
how do you confuse a blonde? paint yourself green and throw forks at her. :)
Feb 22 2011 3:25PM
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carbon.pulse
Posts: 3348 - Karma: 22
Whats green, has four legs and could kill you if it fell out of a tree.

A pool table.

A chicken crosses the road and is pleasantly surprised that his motives had not been investigated.
Feb 22 2011 3:27PM
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JustDidIt
Posts: 2194 - Karma: 160
why did the boy drop his ice cream cone?

he got hit by a bus


why does michael j fox make the best milkshakes?

because he has the best ingredients


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."


Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
Feb 22 2011 4:11PM
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danbrown
Posts: 11939 - Karma: 21,826
Wow, this one got me good
Feb 22 2011 4:14PM
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beezey
Posts: 9027 - Karma: 427
This one is my favorite
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?

She is dead.
Feb 22 2011 4:21PM
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no_steeze
Posts: 23992 - Karma: 4,272
why is michael j fox bad at etch-a sketch?

because it takes a great deal of time and practice to become proficient enough to draw pictures on an etch a sketch
Feb 22 2011 4:22PM
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JustDidIt
Posts: 2194 - Karma: 160
why can't michael j fox draw a perfect circle?

because drawing a perfect circle is physically impossible for any human
Feb 22 2011 4:24PM
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JustDidIt
Posts: 2194 - Karma: 160
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

No.

Well, it's really nice.




Why did Suzie fall off the swing?

She had no arms.




what's the longest, hardest thing on a black man?

his femur


Feb 22 2011 4:27PM
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.AR6rider.
Posts: 15976 - Karma: 8,799
This is going to be my new pickup line.
Feb 22 2011 4:30PM
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