Since time immemorial (sometime around the turn of the millennium) the users of Newschoolers.com have held and understood the assertion that everyone else on the site is 13 years old. The moronic posts, trolling and bickering that occur daily in NS’s forums have long supported this belief. However, the notion has been turned on its head by Doug Bishop’s shocking revelation that, in fact, no one actually is. It seems bizarre that, given the level of immaturity that pervades NS on a daily basis, the average age isn’t lower; but the numbers do not lie.

The statistics come as a blow to those who assumed the site’s immaturity must be based upon a younger and thus less civilized group of users. Assumptions notwithstanding, the average NS’er is 21 years old. That is: twenty-one, legal-in-the-states, fully-an-adult, not-a-teenager years old.

To determine how this can be true is a matter of some debate. Some members wondered whether the removal of person to person interaction was to blame. “Could it be that the internet just inspires everyone to act like a 13 year old because you can hide behind the anonymity of a screen name?” suggested mooseman077. “We do not forget , we are a legion , we are newschoolers (sic)” replied eliaswhite89, who missed the point of the thread entirely, and proved that an intelligent discussion on the matter was unlikely to follow. “What idiot upvoted every post!?” finished Dr_King_Schultz, providing the final nail in the coffin of the thread.

Scared and startled readers rushed to defend themselves in light of the announcement. The aforementioned mooseman reassured everyone that his low post count and karma rating were because of this being his new account. His old account (darn it!) is no longer accessible, but really, he’s OG. ehv for his part could be found in NSG, berating newbs, defending a contrary and hostile opinion, and reminding everyone he’s old school. Newschoolers theorists were quick to point out that the funny thing about proclaiming maturity is that it just ends up leaving you with a holier-than-thou attitude. And at that point you might as well just be 13. “Remember kids, you can’t win for trying,” they were quoted as saying.

It is uncertain exactly what will come of this ground-breaking announcement. Some hold out the hope that it will cause NS’ers to see the error in their ways, others believe the status quo will remain in place. No matter what position you take though, you can agree on this: that other guy is totally fucking wrong. He must be like 13 or something.

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Active, contributing accounts on the site look like this:

13-17 - 22.92%

18-24 - 50.41%

25-34 - 18%

35-44 - 2.14%

45-54 - 0.73%

55+ - 0.84%

Average age of an active Newschoolers member?

21.

If you look at people visiting the site and not necessarily logging in its like this:

3-17 - 8.10%

18-24 - 46.02%

25-34 - 38.26%

35-44 - 4.74%

45-54 - 1.38%

55-64 - 0.79%

65+ - .58%

Average age of someone who visits Newschoolers?

25.