Help! I’m too intelligent, handsome, funny, and wealthy.

I have a unique problem, Newschoolers. Everywhere I go, people want to be my friend. Men offer up their daughters as my potential bride; beautiful women wink at me and blow me kisses; world-class elites invite me into their circles. And while all of this was fun at first, it’s become a real head sore, because some days I just want to walk into Starbucks and get a cappuccino without being offered a bride or a multi-million dollar business contract. Now, the reason I’m writing Newschoolers, is I believe you’re in a position to help me. You’re a bunch of ugly losers who can barely 360 off a mogul or gracefully slide even the shortest rail. So tell me: How do you do it? How do you so effectively present as degenerate, beta eyesores without the slightest traces of talent or basic interpersonal skills? I come to you humbly, willing to learn for my own good.


Thanks in advance,

From yours truly,

The guy who’s way better than you,

In every way,

And isn’t joking about it, either,

President Skroob

**This thread was edited on Feb 4th 2024 at 6:29:11am