Chapter the first - GHOULISH SMOG
SLC prisoners enjoying the crisp wasatch air
Ever since the dawn of the industrial economy, american cities have dealt with air pollution. New york, LA, Chicago - all have had their issues with smoggy skies and coughing babies. As centers of manufacturing and heavy traffic, it only makes sense that they had to cope with the byproducts. Even other interwest cities like Denver suffered long periods of smog lasting into the 1980s. Fortunately, emissions standards and industrial regulations have drastically cut back on smog in most cities.
...except Salt Lake. SLC residents live under a near constant blanket of the shittiest, greasiest air I have ever had the displeasure of introducing into my lungs. For those who haven't been, you can recreate the experience by loading a grav bong with shredded tires and hotboxing your closet. Their unique blend of chlorinated industrial byproducts and Ford F350s leaves shit lake inside a dense cloud of carcinogens for days at a time.
Locals will still blame the inversion despite living next to a giant fucking magnesium factory.
Chapter deux - PISS WATER BEER and other UNAMERICAN PROHIBITIONS
Salt lake did covid shields before they were cool
Did you know? Those who had the misfortune of living in SLC before 2017 were unable to purchase beer over 3.2% ABV. Thanks to years of pushback from fine Utahn patriots, they now have the privilege of drinking 5% beer. Just not on Sundays. Or after 7pm. And you have to buy it from the state-owned monopoly. And it's taxed at 67%. Better not be drinking egg nog on Christmas either you fucking infidel.
Helpfully, bars in Utah can be easily found thanks to the large (legally required) signs stating "THIS IS A BAR" next to every entrance. If you want a draft over 5% you can get fucked. If you want a whiskey double you can also get fucked. Also you have to buy food first. Fortunately the walls of shame blocking the horrors of alcohol service from other patrons came down in 2017. As you can see major strides are being made but in the meantime you can look forward to being treated like a toddler.
Chapter three - HEATED GAMER MOMENTS
A typical Salt Lake neighborhood
It's not a total surprise that residents of America's most polluted theocracy are also frequently racist. For context you can ask pretty much any black NBA player, who have the misfortune of hearing SLC's top minds deliver their opinions on race relations at Jazz games. Visiting players including Russell Westbrook, Ja Morant, Luc Holdaway, Russell Westbrook (again), and Izzy Tichenor have all experienced Salt Lake's rich culture of racial harassment.
And after a long day of heckling black people, there's nothing like winding down by spitting on Muslim kids.
Chapter quatro - THE NAMESAKE SHITLAKE
The Great Salt Lake, one of the world's largest industrial sludge pits, is shrinking quickly
In 1847, after trekking thousands of miles, the first LDS settlers knew they'd arrived in their utopia. A bone dry desert valley, home to a vast, stinking, undrinkable lake would be the perfect place to finally wed their 13 year old bride(s). Brigham Young and co. posted up, knowing that no sane person would ever live close enough to tell them to stop grooming children.
Unfortunately for them, there are now over two hundred thousand vanlife posers enjoying the natural beauty of SLC. Despite being home to one of the largest lakes in the US, they have somehow managed to reduce the size of the pretentiously named Great Salt Lake by over 50%. When not busy huffing smog, SLC politicians have been signing off on upstream water diversions to grow more alfalfa and keep the magnesium factory from esploding. This is on track to uncover a lakebed filled with arsenic and lead, creating a toxic dust bowl which will likely put that shithole out of its misery.
Finale - HELP THE CHILDREN OF SALT LAKE
In recognition of the poor, brain damaged refugees of Salt Lake City (and as an apology for my epic shitpost), I've donated part of my enormous fortune to Utah Physicians for a Healthy Environment, an organization dedicated to saving the lake from government mismanagement. They also fight against upcoming SLC fuckups including the planned Little cottonwood gondola. Hopefully other NSers can toss a few dollars their way and help make SLC somewhere I don't have to roll my windows up when driving through.
Until next year,
cyphers
