Replying to Got My Balls Stuck in my Ski Bindings. (TRUE STORY)

So last night, I’m waxing my skis. I’ve got my iron all heated up and some fresh HF8 wax ready to go for Spring skiing. Tunes are pumped up. I’ve got Marley on full blast for all my neighbors to hear. I’m pretty stoked to get some fresh scrapes in and I’m singing along to the lyrics of “Jamming” with my entire register. I gently set my skis on my waxing board (It’s at about waist level) and get out my straps to hold down my ski brakes. So it should be noted that I’m completely naked at this point as I always am when I’m waxing my skis. I feel like it really helps to get into a good waxing grove. At this moment I notice that my Marker Griffon 13 bindings are unlocked and the heel piece is down. So long story short, it is tradition in my family to always keep the heel piece locked up when waxing skis. This tradition has gone back four generations since my great great grandpa died in a freak ski waxing accident while the heel piece was unlocked. I bend over to lock the heel piece in. It should be noted that I always keep my bindings at 12.5 DIN since I am such a rad skier. As I am locking the heel piece down a flash of intense pain crashes through my entire body. I look down and the skin of my balls are jammed in the heel piece of my bindings. “OH SHIT!”. I let out an excruciating cry of pain. I feel as though I am a mouse who has been helplessly snagged by the spring of a mouse trap. I slam my hands down on my heel piece, but alas the DIN is too high and my arms still recovering from last month when I dove, arms first, into a patch of icy snow after hitting a dub backie off of a cliff. I push with all my might, but the bindings stay pinned to the skin of my testicles. I swing my leg up to step on the heel piece and am suddenly met with a flash of pain. I must have pulled something in my leg. If only I had Look Pivots. I could have twisted the heel piece and gotten my balls right out of there. At this point the adrenaline is kicking in and I frantically search the room for a screwdriver to set the DIN lower. Finally, I see it. My Stanley screwdriver is sitting on the counter across the room next to my in line skate repair bench. I carefully pick up the ski, making sure not to twist the skin of my balls and race over to grab the screwdriver. I trip on the carpet and knock over a filing cabinet. I pick my self up, grab the screwdriver and begin setting the DIN down. At this point, I can hear knocking on my front door. Most likely my upstairs neighbor wondering what’s going on. As I frantically twist the screwdriver I feel something in my right arm misalign and my shoulder pops out of its socket. I must have been to rough on my still recovering arm. The DIN is at about an 10 now and I can’t move my right arm. My upstairs neighbor, Ishmael barges through the door. Tears roll down my face as I stare at Ishmael who clutches his heart and stares in horror. Frantically, I explain what happend and hand him the screwdriver. Ishmael accidentally begins to crank up the DIN and I feel the binding begin to crush my ball skin. “THE OTHER WAY, ISHMAEL!” Ishmael begins turning the screwdriver the other way and I finally I see the DIN begin to go down. 12, 10, 8, 6, 4… “LIFT THE HEEL PIECE ISHMAEL”. Ishmael flashes a panic stricken look of confusion. I gesture to the heel piece and finally Ishmael unlocks the bindings. It feels as though I have escaped the clutches of death. I collapse on the floor, clutching my crotch. Ishmael grabs me some clothes and helps my to the car so he can get my to the emergency room. I am so grateful for that wonderful man. Later in the ER, the doctor explains that I’m lucky that I didn’t get a testicle caught or I may have rendered myself infertile. He tells me to ice it and apply ointment every 12 hours. So that’s what I’ve been doing the last day. Anyway, so that’s why you should only buy Look Pivots. How was everyone else’s Thursday?