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"Eileen Gu Quits Big Air, Starts Wearing Jeans and Smoking Cigs After Stomping A Lip On Blind 2"
by Todd Walnuts
The former professional freeskier, Eileen Gu Ailing, has decided to quit all future competition events, including X Games, the Olympics, and the Dew Tour. This decision comes in the wake of her recent trip to the terrain park at Elm Creek, Minnesota, and seeing several members of Zootspace and Jetskis wearing denim and chain-smoking Marlboros. "Their style is infectious," Gu said in an interview with ESPN. "Before, I cared about medals, 2160s, and representing China. Now I just care about getting as many head injuries as possible before my brain stops developing at 25." Gu, who formerly adhered to a strict training regimen from her coaches and doctors, has started sleeping until noon, eating copious amounts of fruit with Ankilla, and lapping the terrain park with a ciggy in her mouth, stomping lip on blind 2s, front swaps, and boned out switch straight airs. When our reporter asked what was next for the gold medalist, she replied, "Detuning my entire ski, buying Drop Kick 60's, and sleeping in my Corolla at Elm Creek. Wu-Tang is for the children. Ar ar ar!"
This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.
