Member of the Month

X_MEMESWERVE_XX
March, 2025

Online

Welcome to the Newschoolers forums! You may read the forums as a guest, however you must be a registered member to post. Register to become a member today!

The Onion - NS Version

profile picture
tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
The onion is a fantastic site that has satirical comedy news headlines. I figured we all have some funny headlines in our brains. Here’s my first one:

Simon Dumont Threatens Quitting Skiing For 7th Time

What funny headlines can you think of?

**This thread was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 9:39:00am
3 years ago
17 1
profile picture
skierman
Posts: 8564 - Karma: 8,863
"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"
3 years ago
47 3
profile picture
CatdickBojangles
Posts: 6464 - Karma: 66,096
"Jibbin the game releases on Xbox Series and PS5"

"Revision skis announces new models"

"Kid on Newschoolers actually goes to bootfitter"
3 years ago
37 0
profile picture
X_MEMESWERVE_XX
Posts: 3932 - Karma: 33,094
skierman"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"


if only
3 years ago
9 0
profile picture
GrandThings
Posts: 3260 - Karma: 33,427
"Based on community feedback, local mountain installs actual playground on downhill ski trail"
3 years ago
29 0
profile picture
X_MEMESWERVE_XX
Posts: 3932 - Karma: 33,094
"Dolan was Right"
3 years ago
22 1
profile picture
Good_Deed
Posts: 1260 - Karma: 1,321
The Bunch buys a heli to further their vision of skiing.
3 years ago
19 0
profile picture
eheath
Posts: 61893 - Karma: 126,001
@Sklar used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.
3 years ago
33 0
profile picture
Andi_G
Posts: 3100 - Karma: 15,253
New Candide Footage Proven to be the Fagan Twins in a Trenchcoat

i miss brobomb
3 years ago
13 0
profile picture
WoFlowz
Posts: 8078 - Karma: 64,270
Vishnu now offering World Cup race skis with 3 layers of metal to go along with the softest skis on the market
3 years ago
19 1
profile picture
GrapeHunter
Posts: 2406 - Karma: 8,778
"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical
3 years ago
11 20
profile picture
AlaskaDogfart
Posts: 267 - Karma: 2,926
"Fagans to be featured in new film from Strictly"
"Zootspace 2 to release Jan 9"
3 years ago
8 0
profile picture
skierman
Posts: 8564 - Karma: 8,863
"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"
3 years ago
6 37
profile picture
SuspiciousFish
Posts: 2794 - Karma: 16,914
"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."
3 years ago
17 0
profile picture
WoFlowz
Posts: 8078 - Karma: 64,270
skierman"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"


😐 that’s just messed up Scott. Never watching your camelback reviews again
3 years ago
27 2
profile picture
deadhead420
Posts: 2064 - Karma: 18,124
grantlewis_dntm"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical


That should have been the title of the "NS is Toxic" thread
3 years ago
8 0
profile picture
halfwatt
Posts: 180 - Karma: 2,226
“ @tri_photo actually landed a trick first try”

sorry bro plz don’t destroy me
3 years ago
3 0
profile picture
ericforman
Posts: 722 - Karma: 6,213
"Vail Resorts promises to use revenue from increased pass sales to groom the entire mountain, further enhancing the visitor experience."

"CDOT enforces traction law, local moose take over slopes due to 98% decline in skier visitation."

"Araphoe Basin replaces all lifts with rope tows, locals rejoice."
3 years ago
14 0
profile picture
Biffbarf
Posts: 7291 - Karma: 77,745
skierman"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"

Sociopath vibes.
3 years ago
14 1
profile picture
Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,475
”Dolans vision of world peace is spot on”
3 years ago
14 0
profile picture
Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,475
”Skierman has a great haircut”

3 years ago
30 0
profile picture
r00kie
Posts: 5238 - Karma: 59,591
Mount Bohemia hires a real social media manager, diehard fans accuse them of selling out.
3 years ago
6 0
profile picture
deadhead420
Posts: 2064 - Karma: 18,124
Skiblade420”Skierman has a great haircut”



I feel like skierman has so much less power on this site now that this pic keeps getting posted
3 years ago
22 1
profile picture
Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,475
He definitely has been more low key because of it, it’s hilarious.

I’m never gonna stop with it either.



@deadhead420

**This post was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 8:08:31pm
3 years ago
6 0
profile picture
GayWolf420
Posts: 37976 - Karma: 128,199
"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."
3 years ago
28 0
profile picture
halfwatt
Posts: 180 - Karma: 2,226
"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"



is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that
3 years ago
3 0
profile picture
Casey
Posts: 7991 - Karma: 26,472
SuspiciousFish"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."


Oh man I lost on that one. “Yes eh can you teach how your little swish swish move at 100kmph?”
3 years ago
5 0
profile picture
Casey
Posts: 7991 - Karma: 26,472
halfwatt"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"



is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that


Vail celebrates partnership with WSDOT: New sign installed across Highway 2 reads “go the fuck home!”
3 years ago
7 0
profile picture
theabortionator
Posts: 52421 - Karma: 171,674
"Vail Adds Backyard Setup in Idaho to Epic Pass"

https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Vail-Adds-Backyard-Setup-Idaho-Epic-Pass
3 years ago
20 0
profile picture
SofaKingSick
Posts: 9668 - Karma: 65,025
DeebieSkeebies"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."


or "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"
3 years ago
13 0
profile picture
PsychicMigration
Posts: 2099 - Karma: 10,552
Abraham Cain smokes weed

**This post was edited on Nov 18th 2021 at 1:06:55pm
3 years ago
7 0
profile picture
deadhead420
Posts: 2064 - Karma: 18,124
"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"
3 years ago
6 0
profile picture
r00kie
Posts: 5238 - Karma: 59,591
mrk127"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"


Sounds more like a National Enquirer headline hahah
3 years ago
5 0
profile picture
SuspiciousFish
Posts: 2794 - Karma: 16,914
"Schweitzer mountain builds new high end development with heli pad, wonders why rich people wont ski whiteout conditions."
3 years ago
8 0
profile picture
tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Stevens Pass Selling Terrain Park Features To Fund Vail CEO's Vacation Home Build"
3 years ago
10 0
profile picture
extravert
Posts: 1113 - Karma: 3,202
this is fun






3 years ago
22 0
profile picture
GayWolf420
Posts: 37976 - Karma: 128,199
SofaKingSickor "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"

"Colorado Native finally a resident of the state of Colorado after years of going on ski trips with mom and dad and moving from the east coast."
3 years ago
12 0
profile picture
skierman
Posts: 8564 - Karma: 8,863
"Wyoming 2nd Home Native Declares Son is Expert after Skiing Rendezvous Bowl"
3 years ago
14 2
profile picture
AaronO.
Posts: 1165 - Karma: 3,189
grantlewis_dntm"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical



3 years ago
4 1
profile picture
BingPow
Posts: 577 - Karma: 5,666
Color blind man opens indoor rock climbing gym
3 years ago
11 0
profile picture
tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Elizabeth Swaney Hosting A Flatbox Rail Jam"
3 years ago
9 0
profile picture
Butterytips69
Posts: 731 - Karma: 8,203
“2 Inches overnight at an east coast resort. Nobody freaks tf out over the pow day”
3 years ago
2 0
profile picture
theabortionator
Posts: 52421 - Karma: 171,674
"Weed skiing and the Mass exodus east"

[URL]https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Weed-Skiing-Mass-Exodus-East[/URL]

From MA legalizing weed a few years back. Playing on the hype from everyone moving out west.
3 years ago
3 0
profile picture
tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Tanner Hall Claims Real Skiing Can Be On Real Earth Not Just Real Mountains"
3 years ago
4 0
profile picture
skierman
Posts: 8564 - Karma: 8,863
"8 Years On, Kelly Sildaru Still Dominant doing the Same Run"
3 years ago
10 0
profile picture
Charlie_Kelly
Posts: 11955 - Karma: 12,308
Skiblade420”Skierman has a great haircut”



3 years ago
5 1
profile picture
cndr
Posts: 161 - Karma: 873
3 years ago
11 0
profile picture
tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Snoqualmie Pass Claims Pineapple Express As Tropical Bonus For Skiing"
3 years ago
3 0
profile picture
tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
“1000 Skis Claims Their One-of-a-Kind Unique Ski Makes The Entire Mountain a Playground”
3 years ago
6 0
profile picture
SmokedGouda
Posts: 1221 - Karma: 6,815
CDOT will now give out free coffee to I70 weekend warriors: “They need the strength to pull through”
3 years ago
4 0
profile picture
Stuuuuuuuuuu
Posts: 380 - Karma: 2,080
eheath@Sklar used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.


Forgot about the radish. Would be so sick if he brought that back
3 years ago
5 1
All times are Eastern (-4); Currently it's 8:42AM