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The Onion - NS Version

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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
The onion is a fantastic site that has satirical comedy news headlines. I figured we all have some funny headlines in our brains. Here’s my first one:

Simon Dumont Threatens Quitting Skiing For 7th Time

What funny headlines can you think of?

**This thread was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 9:39:00am
Nov 17 2021 9:38AM
17 1
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skierman
Posts: 8332 - Karma: 7,759
"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"
Nov 17 2021 9:56AM
47 3
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CatdickBojangles
Posts: 6200 - Karma: 62,946
"Jibbin the game releases on Xbox Series and PS5"

"Revision skis announces new models"

"Kid on Newschoolers actually goes to bootfitter"
Nov 17 2021 10:06AM
37 0
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X_MEMESWERVE_XX
Posts: 3575 - Karma: 28,876
skierman"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"


if only
Nov 17 2021 10:18AM
9 0
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GrandThings
Posts: 3127 - Karma: 31,549
"Based on community feedback, local mountain installs actual playground on downhill ski trail"
Nov 17 2021 10:21AM
29 0
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X_MEMESWERVE_XX
Posts: 3575 - Karma: 28,876
"Dolan was Right"
Nov 17 2021 10:21AM
22 1
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Good_Deed
Posts: 1260 - Karma: 1,321
The Bunch buys a heli to further their vision of skiing.
Nov 17 2021 10:28AM
19 0
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eheath
Posts: 61601 - Karma: 123,027
@Sklar used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.
Nov 17 2021 11:08AM
33 0
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AndrewGravesSV
Posts: 3083 - Karma: 15,098
New Candide Footage Proven to be the Fagan Twins in a Trenchcoat

i miss brobomb
Nov 17 2021 11:17AM
13 0
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WoFlowz
Posts: 7897 - Karma: 63,925
Vishnu now offering World Cup race skis with 3 layers of metal to go along with the softest skis on the market
Nov 17 2021 1:03PM
19 1
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GrapeHunter
Posts: 2398 - Karma: 8,635
"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical
Nov 17 2021 1:58PM
11 20
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AlaskaDogfart
Posts: 267 - Karma: 2,926
"Fagans to be featured in new film from Strictly"
"Zootspace 2 to release Jan 9"
Nov 17 2021 2:24PM
8 0
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skierman
Posts: 8332 - Karma: 7,759
"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"
Nov 17 2021 2:32PM
6 37
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SuspiciousFish
Posts: 2781 - Karma: 16,810
"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."
Nov 17 2021 2:42PM
17 0
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WoFlowz
Posts: 7897 - Karma: 63,925
skierman"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"


😐 that’s just messed up Scott. Never watching your camelback reviews again
Nov 17 2021 2:49PM
27 2
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mrk127
Posts: 1803 - Karma: 16,312
grantlewis_dntm"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical


That should have been the title of the "NS is Toxic" thread
Nov 17 2021 2:49PM
8 0
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halfwatt
Posts: 180 - Karma: 2,225
“ @tri_photo actually landed a trick first try”

sorry bro plz don’t destroy me
Nov 17 2021 3:28PM
3 0
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ericforman
Posts: 722 - Karma: 6,212
"Vail Resorts promises to use revenue from increased pass sales to groom the entire mountain, further enhancing the visitor experience."

"CDOT enforces traction law, local moose take over slopes due to 98% decline in skier visitation."

"Araphoe Basin replaces all lifts with rope tows, locals rejoice."
Nov 17 2021 3:29PM
14 0
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ASSholebomber22
Posts: 6598 - Karma: 69,840
skierman"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"

Sociopath vibes.
Nov 17 2021 3:42PM
14 1
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,474
”Dolans vision of world peace is spot on”
Nov 17 2021 3:54PM
14 0
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,474
”Skierman has a great haircut”

Nov 17 2021 3:55PM
30 0
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r00kie
Posts: 5238 - Karma: 59,578
Mount Bohemia hires a real social media manager, diehard fans accuse them of selling out.
Nov 17 2021 4:36PM
6 0
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mrk127
Posts: 1803 - Karma: 16,312
Skiblade420”Skierman has a great haircut”



I feel like skierman has so much less power on this site now that this pic keeps getting posted
Nov 17 2021 4:42PM
22 1
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Skiblade420
Posts: 1001 - Karma: 16,474
He definitely has been more low key because of it, it’s hilarious.

I’m never gonna stop with it either.



@mrk127

**This post was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 8:08:31pm
Nov 17 2021 8:07PM
6 0
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GayWolf420
Posts: 37379 - Karma: 119,905
"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."
Nov 17 2021 8:32PM
28 0
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halfwatt
Posts: 180 - Karma: 2,225
"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"



is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that
Nov 17 2021 11:18PM
3 0
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Casey
Posts: 7847 - Karma: 24,308
SuspiciousFish"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."


Oh man I lost on that one. “Yes eh can you teach how your little swish swish move at 100kmph?”
Nov 18 2021 12:15AM
5 0
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Casey
Posts: 7847 - Karma: 24,308
halfwatt"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"



is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that


Vail celebrates partnership with WSDOT: New sign installed across Highway 2 reads “go the fuck home!”
Nov 18 2021 12:18AM
7 0
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theabortionator
Posts: 51621 - Karma: 162,057
"Vail Adds Backyard Setup in Idaho to Epic Pass"

https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Vail-Adds-Backyard-Setup-Idaho-Epic-Pass
Nov 18 2021 12:33AM
20 0
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SofaKingSick
Posts: 9283 - Karma: 60,905
DeebieSkeebies"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."


or "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"
Nov 18 2021 9:12AM
13 0
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PsychicMigration
Posts: 2099 - Karma: 10,540
Abraham Cain smokes weed

**This post was edited on Nov 18th 2021 at 1:06:55pm
Nov 18 2021 1:06PM
7 0
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mrk127
Posts: 1803 - Karma: 16,312
"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"
Nov 18 2021 1:17PM
6 0
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r00kie
Posts: 5238 - Karma: 59,578
mrk127"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"


Sounds more like a National Enquirer headline hahah
Nov 18 2021 1:20PM
5 0
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SuspiciousFish
Posts: 2781 - Karma: 16,810
"Schweitzer mountain builds new high end development with heli pad, wonders why rich people wont ski whiteout conditions."
Nov 18 2021 1:20PM
8 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Stevens Pass Selling Terrain Park Features To Fund Vail CEO's Vacation Home Build"
Nov 18 2021 7:30PM
10 0
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extravert
Posts: 1112 - Karma: 3,174
this is fun






Nov 18 2021 11:46PM
22 0
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GayWolf420
Posts: 37379 - Karma: 119,905
SofaKingSickor "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"

"Colorado Native finally a resident of the state of Colorado after years of going on ski trips with mom and dad and moving from the east coast."
Nov 19 2021 2:56PM
12 0
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skierman
Posts: 8332 - Karma: 7,759
"Wyoming 2nd Home Native Declares Son is Expert after Skiing Rendezvous Bowl"
Nov 19 2021 4:28PM
14 2
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AaronO.
Posts: 1165 - Karma: 3,189
grantlewis_dntm"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical



Nov 19 2021 6:33PM
4 1
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BingPow
Posts: 568 - Karma: 5,494
Color blind man opens indoor rock climbing gym
Nov 19 2021 8:52PM
11 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Elizabeth Swaney Hosting A Flatbox Rail Jam"
Nov 20 2021 11:44AM
9 0
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Butterytips69
Posts: 722 - Karma: 8,043
“2 Inches overnight at an east coast resort. Nobody freaks tf out over the pow day”
Nov 20 2021 5:23PM
2 0
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theabortionator
Posts: 51621 - Karma: 162,057
"Weed skiing and the Mass exodus east"

[URL]https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Weed-Skiing-Mass-Exodus-East[/URL]

From MA legalizing weed a few years back. Playing on the hype from everyone moving out west.
Nov 20 2021 7:03PM
3 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Tanner Hall Claims Real Skiing Can Be On Real Earth Not Just Real Mountains"
Nov 25 2021 12:16PM
4 0
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skierman
Posts: 8332 - Karma: 7,759
"8 Years On, Kelly Sildaru Still Dominant doing the Same Run"
Nov 27 2021 8:19AM
10 0
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Charlie_Kelly
Posts: 11954 - Karma: 12,297
Skiblade420”Skierman has a great haircut”



Nov 27 2021 9:26AM
5 1
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cndr
Posts: 158 - Karma: 849
Nov 28 2021 9:18AM
11 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
"Snoqualmie Pass Claims Pineapple Express As Tropical Bonus For Skiing"
Nov 29 2021 9:41AM
3 0
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tri_photo
Posts: 1530 - Karma: 7,195
“1000 Skis Claims Their One-of-a-Kind Unique Ski Makes The Entire Mountain a Playground”
Dec 11 2021 12:15PM
6 0
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SmokedGouda
Posts: 1034 - Karma: 5,766
CDOT will now give out free coffee to I70 weekend warriors: “They need the strength to pull through”
Dec 11 2021 1:39PM
4 0
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Stuuuuuuuuuu
Posts: 379 - Karma: 2,077
eheath@Sklar used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.


Forgot about the radish. Would be so sick if he brought that back
Dec 11 2021 3:47PM
5 1
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