Got an email from a buddy whose high up at vail...

I was supposed to go big sky with one of my best friends this weekend. The last couple of years have been a rollercoaster for both of us and we've lived hundreds of miles apart for most of hour lives. We were so stoked to go shred together, we were joking that both of us were going to be out our element and how crazy that would be. Then this fucking coronavirus bullshit showed up and now our trip is shot to shit :( Yesterday I emailed another buddy of mine whose an executive at vail (gotta love nepotism) and begged him to give us the hook up on some skiing at any resort, even if we could just do sled laps it would be kind of cool to ski a resort buy ourselves for the day. He said no chance and wouldn't budge until after 15 calls, 18 text messages, and 3 emails I threatened to show his wife the pictures from our 2014 trip to vegas. Finally he got scared and gave me the scoop on how you can get access to any vail or alterra resort in the country no matter what the governor or trump or steve stepp says. all you need is a sled, your ski boots, a 24oz bottle of mexican lager (you know which kind im talking about ;)), your asshole, and the pagan headdress that best describes you. what you do is when you wake up in the morning, put your ski boots and the intriguing pagan headdress, thats it. then, grab the 24 oz mexican lager, hop on your sled and gun it to the base of your local hill. next you need figure out a way to the boof the entire 24oz while solemnly declaring that you have given your soul to ullr. once you have boofed the entire volume of mexican lager and made the declaration you need to hop on your sled again and head up the hill as soon possible. if you can get to the top of the hill without losing more than 4oz of mexican lager, the state troopers will stop following you.