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Dear Abby Column

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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
Should I apply for the next Dear Abby column in the newspaper?

Hit me with the life advice questions, need some practice for the potential interview.
Apr 7 2019 3:18PM
4 9
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iFlip
Posts: 4543 - Karma: 19,132
My Korean friend is over at my house for a few days and I want to help make him feel at home. I asked if there’s anything I can cook for him that will help make it feel like he is back home in Korea. He responded that my dog looks really delicious.

What’s the best way to cook my dog for my friend, and should I get the honor of eating the heart, or extend that courtesy to him?
Apr 7 2019 3:27PM
25 0
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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
iFlipMy Korean friend is over at my house for a few days and I want to help make him feel at home. I asked if there’s anything I can cook for him that will help make it feel like he is back home in Korea. He responded that my dog looks really delicious.

What’s the best way to cook my dog for my friend, and should I get the honor of eating the heart, or extend that courtesy to him?


Thanks for the question iFlip!

Before I get started, I want to applaud your curtesy to your international friend!

From my experience, it really just depends on the dog type and size. If your dog is large I would say more of the spiket route, roasting over an open fire sounds midevil however it’s quite easy and affordable, not to mention makes for fantastic fabulous result for the overall taste. But if you have, say, a Chihuahua size pup it would better suit you if you used the new and improved instapot pressure cooker. (Now only $19.99 with only 4 low monthly payments!) But overall just personal preference!

As for the heart, it’s Korean tradition to honor your guest by letting them consume the Ventricles of the heart, and you eating the Atria. Signifying the union of your friendship!

Have fun on your new cooking adventure!

Sincerely yours
Abi
Apr 7 2019 3:46PM
11 4
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tsingtaofanatic
Posts: 3344 - Karma: 4,585
Dear Abby,

I've been going on a rampage recently. I've burned down at least 12 churches in a few weeks and people are starting to suspect it's me. What do i do?

Thank you,
The one and only satanworshipper
Apr 7 2019 7:40PM
5 4
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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
satanworshipperDear Abby,

I've been going on a rampage recently. I've burned down at least 12 churches in a few weeks and people are starting to suspect it's me. What do i do?

Thank you,
The one and only satanworshipper


Dear SW,

Let me start by saying thanks for writing me such a lovely letter!

It’s a brave feat to confide in someone, so good for you. Unfortunately, from what you’re describing to me, it sounds as if you are not doing a good enough job concealing the evidence. My advice to you would be, look back at what you’ve done and try to change your signature. Consider crossing state lines next time, the police force doesn’t always communicate well across states. If they ARE suspecting you, it seems to me like you need to change locations indefinitely. Consider Mother Russia. I have heard great things about the motherland having good connections with the devil. Good luck to you!

As always,
Yours truly,
Abi
Apr 7 2019 8:14PM
2 3
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Coochieman7
Posts: 274 - Karma: 1,385
Dear abi
my pp itches
Apr 7 2019 8:17PM
15 0
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everlast
Posts: 1130 - Karma: 1,270
ABBY I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

Does the saying "if you sniff it, you buy it" apply to girls asses?

**This post was edited on Apr 7th 2019 at 8:24:21pm
Apr 7 2019 8:22PM
2 4
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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
Coochieman7Dear abi
my pp itches


Dear Coochieman7,

Thanks for the great statement!
I would highly suggest seeking a Medical Doctor’s advice, from what you’ve described it as, it sounds like cancer. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
Abi
Apr 7 2019 8:30PM
5 5
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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
CosmoDuffABBY I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

Does the saying "if you sniff it, you buy it" apply to girls asses?

**This post was edited on Apr 7th 2019 at 8:24:21pm


Dear CosmoDuff,

Unfortunately, that is not a saying. Are you by any chance related to my uncles female dog? If so, you’ll have to consult the female dog column, as I am unable to assist you.

Good luck on your journey,
Abi
Apr 7 2019 8:35PM
3 0
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Coochieman7
Posts: 274 - Karma: 1,385
CosmoDuffABBY I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

Does the saying "if you sniff it, you buy it" apply to girls asses?

**This post was edited on Apr 7th 2019 at 8:24:21pm

I sniffed ur virginity dogfart
Apr 7 2019 8:44PM
7 0
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Jems
Posts: 7508 - Karma: 97,147
satanworshipperDear Abby,

I've been going on a rampage recently. I've burned down at least 12 churches in a few weeks and people are starting to suspect it's me. What do i do?

Thank you,
The one and only satanworshipper

m
A
y
H
e
M
Apr 7 2019 10:29PM
3 0
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Jems
Posts: 7508 - Karma: 97,147
How do I get rid of the runners knee in both knees
Apr 7 2019 10:30PM
1 0
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everlast
Posts: 1130 - Karma: 1,270
How can I find out “Who Is Sudsy”?
Apr 7 2019 10:32PM
0 3
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Youngm_IPCME
Posts: 1082 - Karma: 2,851
JemsHow do I get rid of the runners knee in both knees

Do this four times a week. It was recommended by the specialist I went to and worked for me at least.
https://www.summitmedicalgroup.com/library/pediatric_health/sma_patellofemoral_pain_syndrome_exercises/
Apr 8 2019 12:16AM
1 1
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Young_patty
Posts: 3282 - Karma: 37,945
Dear Abby,

ive had the awesome idea to get the words “welcome to the jungle” tattooed rift behind my nuts/ at the front of my taint. The obvious joke is that due to the immense humidity and hair my taint is practically a jungle so I think this tatoo would be a cute way to embrace it. However my current artist refuses to do it saying I will “pass out from pain” and the other I found to do it just violated his parole :(

so Abby, what are some ways I could prove to my current artist that I can handle it? Are there any over the counter pain medications I could get hopped up on to help?? Any advice is welcome.

sincerely,

- “taint Patrick”
Apr 8 2019 3:46PM
3 0
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BedBugDoug
Posts: 590 - Karma: 2,253
Dear Abby,
Me and some of the boys recently road tripped down the coast of California and had a great time. Over the course of the week many inside jokes were created and me n the boys got a lot closer to one another. One of the jokes involved a cheeseburger and the boys got small sketches of cheeseburgers tattooed on themselves to commemorate the trip and the lifelong bond that we will share. I would like to get the same tattoo so that my bond could be strong with the boys, however I can not have tattoos visible on any part of my body as part of my career. Simple solution is to get the tattoo on my butt cheek, a spot that will never be visible while working as I am not in the adult film industry. While I am a fairly modest guy, my white cheeks do come out from time to time. Never in a situation where my career would be in jeopardy, but come on, its funny to hang cheek every now and then. Here lies the problem. I have a sister who is a high functioning autistic, specifically Asperger Syndrome. Which when said out loud sounds VERY similar to AssBurger, which is basically the tattoo that I want. I do not think I would ever let my sister see the tattoo, but word gets around and we are very close and I am sure that she would find out I got it one way or another. I love my sister a lot and would never want to hurt her, but I also love my boys and would love to have a symbol of the lifelong bond we share. What do I do?
Sincerely,
Befuddled Burger Butt
Apr 8 2019 7:10PM
3 0
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Iamtrapangelsalt
Posts: 153 - Karma: 1,040
Dear abi
do you even ski black diamonds?
Apr 8 2019 8:23PM
2 1
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_IRRELEVANT_
Posts: 944 - Karma: 4,425
Dear Abby,
How do get rid of my newschoolers addiction / cut down on usage.

**This post was edited on Apr 8th 2019 at 10:05:46pm
Apr 8 2019 9:56PM
0 0
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Bdoobz
Posts: 838 - Karma: 4,893
Dear Abby,

How do I get to Chad's gap?
Apr 8 2019 10:17PM
6 0
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Youngm_IPCME
Posts: 1082 - Karma: 2,851
Dear Abby,

There’s this person on a forum I frequent who continually and shamelessly plugs their instagram. How do I tell them politely that it’s annoying and they should stop?
Apr 9 2019 9:50AM
5 0
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TRVP_ANGEL
Posts: 12510 - Karma: 116,130
Dear Abby,

My girlfriend is the biggest chatterbox I've ever met and what makes it worse is that on the rare occasions I do manage to get a word in edgeways she stares at me vacantly so it's clear she's not listening to a word I say. I want to dump her but there's a weird reason I haven't: she's got a third nipple in the centre of her rib cage, and when she takes her T-shirt off her torso resembles a very kind-looking face. It's as though her regular nipples look like eyes, her additional nipple a little nose, and her belly button a cute, surprised little mouth. Anyway, I've taken to calling this chest-man Johnathan and when my girlfriend is sleeping I have long one-sided conversations with 'him' about my feelings and what's happened during my day.

Johnathan is a great listener, and though he never responds, it's clear he oozes compassion and sympathy. I've even started to develop strong sexual feelings for Johnathan and taken to kissing her mouth/belly button when my girlfriend is snoring heavily. I realised things had gotten out of hand when I became frantic one morning last week after spotting some belly-button fluff in my girlfriend's navel. 'Take it out; I screamed. 'Johnathan's choking: What should I do?

Sincerely,
TRVP

**This post was edited on Apr 9th 2019 at 10:27:51am
Apr 9 2019 10:26AM
9 0
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ChadThundercock
Posts: 3071 - Karma: 830
Dear Abby,

How do I properly smoke meth? I've tried inserting the crystals as a suppository in my rear - but this doesn't produce the experience I'm after and landed me in the hospital after causing a massive hemhorrage in my anus. Luckily the doctors thought it was a laxative and didn't stick me with possession.

Why is life so hard?
Apr 10 2019 3:22AM
4 0
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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
DogfartDear abi
do you even ski black diamonds?


Dear dogfart,
do bears poop in the woods?
sincerely
Abi
Apr 10 2019 7:18AM
1 0
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freestyler540
Posts: 13084 - Karma: 18,731
Dear Abby,
I have been told by social norms that I should have a girlfriend and settling down after college. So, like a lamb, I tried my hand at dating after graduation and turns out the scene sucks at 25. Focusing on my career and passions, I landed a great job, ski every day and found time to discover new passions. Personal life has been great; I have no regrets at all, but I find myself pretty lonely on injury days and down days.
I gave dating another go at 30 and the scene still sucks. Every lead was a dead end (chicks trying to cheat on their bf, rebound dates, bad metascience bs, lazy dates ect...). Im pretty discouraged at this point and thinking of giving up and focusing on a professional life on solo sports. Am I being too biter or should I take my bad attitude to the mountains for 4 more years?
If I focus on career and get that promotion, I will be gone from April to December while clearing 120G a year. Then spend this entire winter time exploring mountains and gathering life stories. But, I feel like I will missing out on a huge aspect of life; building a family and a biological legacy to invest in. I dont want mind games, the stress of being in a bad relationship or being held back by the partner either.
Mind on weighing in under opinion form? Pursue career or keep trying?

Thanks Abby
Apr 10 2019 10:50AM
0 0
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ChadThundercock
Posts: 3071 - Karma: 830
freestyler540Dear Abby,
I have been told by social norms that I should have a girlfriend and settling down after college. So, like a lamb, I tried my hand at dating after graduation and turns out the scene sucks at 25. Focusing on my career and passions, I landed a great job, ski every day and found time to discover new passions. Personal life has been great; I have no regrets at all, but I find myself pretty lonely on injury days and down days.
I gave dating another go at 30 and the scene still sucks. Every lead was a dead end (chicks trying to cheat on their bf, rebound dates, bad metascience bs, lazy dates ect...). Im pretty discouraged at this point and thinking of giving up and focusing on a professional life on solo sports. Am I being too biter or should I take my bad attitude to the mountains for 4 more years?
If I focus on career and get that promotion, I will be gone from April to December while clearing 120G a year. Then spend this entire winter time exploring mountains and gathering life stories. But, I feel like I will missing out on a huge aspect of life; building a family and a biological legacy to invest in. I dont want mind games, the stress of being in a bad relationship or being held back by the partner either.
Mind on weighing in under opinion form? Pursue career or keep trying?

Thanks Abby


H O O K E R S boy!
Apr 10 2019 3:32PM
0 0
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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
BitcoinDear Abby,

How do I properly smoke meth? I've tried inserting the crystals as a suppository in my rear - but this doesn't produce the experience I'm after and landed me in the hospital after causing a massive hemhorrage in my anus. Luckily the doctors thought it was a laxative and didn't stick me with possession.

Why is life so hard?


Dear Bitcoin,

Unfortunately, I do not dabble with methamphetamines, therefore, making me not the most valuable resource for this problem. However I have heard that your mother seems to have more of an experienced opinion on the matter. So I would consult her.

However, it it seems to me like you may have hemorrhoids, and may have just ripped through a enlarged vein on your way up the rectal canal. Because Meth is a potent vasoconstrictor it sounds to me like you may have other issues, besides the obvious...

Consider a new primary care physician.

Sincerly
Abi
Apr 10 2019 6:09PM
2 0
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AbiH
Posts: 2041 - Karma: 10,350
TRVP_ANGELDear Abby,

My girlfriend is the biggest chatterbox I've ever met and what makes it worse is that on the rare occasions I do manage to get a word in edgeways she stares at me vacantly so it's clear she's not listening to a word I say. I want to dump her but there's a weird reason I haven't: she's got a third nipple in the centre of her rib cage, and when she takes her T-shirt off her torso resembles a very kind-looking face. It's as though her regular nipples look like eyes, her additional nipple a little nose, and her belly button a cute, surprised little mouth. Anyway, I've taken to calling this chest-man Johnathan and when my girlfriend is sleeping I have long one-sided conversations with 'him' about my feelings and what's happened during my day.

Johnathan is a great listener, and though he never responds, it's clear he oozes compassion and sympathy. I've even started to develop strong sexual feelings for Johnathan and taken to kissing her mouth/belly button when my girlfriend is snoring heavily. I realised things had gotten out of hand when I became frantic one morning last week after spotting some belly-button fluff in my girlfriend's navel. 'Take it out; I screamed. 'Johnathan's choking: What should I do?

Sincerely,
TRVP

**This post was edited on Apr 9th 2019 at 10:27:51am


Dear Mr Angel,

attached is an article that I wrote for people in your situation.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/7-ways-to-spot-a-psychopath--22539

Good of luck my friend,
Abi
Apr 10 2019 6:18PM
2 1
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ChadThundercock
Posts: 3071 - Karma: 830
This thread is about 10 years overdue
Apr 11 2019 3:09AM
1 0
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TRVP_ANGEL
Posts: 12510 - Karma: 116,130
Johnathan
May 12 2020 11:07AM
0 0
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