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I'm stuck in life and need some help/motivation

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J-dollo
Posts: 618 - Karma: 285
Hello fellow Newschoolers,
There is a lot to read here and I apologize, but I am asking for any kind of help!

So I'm stuck in a rut and don't know what to do. Maybe I'm just having a kind of meh day today but I feel like I'm stuck in my life and wanted some insight and advice from all you guys.

So my story starts out with summer of 2013 after graduating high school. My plan was to attend MSU in bozeman where a lot of my friends were headed but I wasn't too excited for. I then fall in love with my current girlfriend whose plan was to move out to Seattle and work and enjoy life there with one of her friends. Not wanting to break things off with her, and having family out in Seattle who was offering to house me, I decided I would move out there and find a job. I got majorly hooked up with a decent paying job as a low-voltage technician at boeing working 40 hours a week from the hours of 8pm-4:30am. Since then I've been partying and living life doing all sorts of things with my girlfriend. I should also mention that one of my friends from high school was the boyfriend of my girl's friend who was also out here. He moved out here as well and we got an apartment together and our girlfriends had a different apartment a bit of a drive away. When I wasn't hanging out with my friend, we would be hanging out with our girlfriends or the four of us would be hanging out together. So my friend and his girlfriend breakup and he moves back to montana in like January of 2014 and his girl moves back in the summer of that year.

With the option of basically free rent, I moved back in with my family out here and my girl had her own apartment. January of 2015, me and my girl decide to move in with each other. She had a lot of black mold in her apartment and was desperate to get out. I believe she was more interested in gettin out of her apartment rather than wanting to spend more time with me by moving in together. I am sacrificing $660 a month to live with her in comparison to $300 a month which I was paying my family. Also in January, I started education at Shoreline Community College to get on track in becoming an engineer with the plan to transfer to a four year college.

I know this is a lot of information, but I'm trying to provide as much details as possible. I'm about to wrap this up so stuck with me here.

Anyways, I should mention that I will turn 20 in May and my girl just turned 22 last month. My girl just went on a trip with her best friend to the Dominican Republic where she partied hard and got rowdy. I try not to get jealous of not being able to treat her to stuff like this, or even get to take her out to bars here in Seattle. I used to be upset when she went out and I would get worried about her meeting other guys. I trust her 100% and I know that she would do the right thing, but It just bothers me to know that she hangs out around guys and starts up a lot of casual conversations with them at bars. She also told me all about this group of guys she and her friend hung around while on vacation. She tells me I have nothing to worry about, and I know she didn't do anything, but for some reason I just feel wronged. Am I right to feel this way? I also feel like she is less lovey to me, but I feel like it's due to me always confronting her about these guys that she hung out with. I think she's just getting the sense that I am not confident in myself. Am I right? I love her so much and don't have anyone else out here, and this is just all stressing me out which in turn is making me less motivated in school and my job. Thank you those who took time to read this post and +k to anyone who gives me some structured feedback.
Apr 6 2015 9:57PM
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shotvet
Posts: 302 - Karma: 1,614
Let me first say i am no counselor, but having had similar feelings in the past I will share what I have learned. It sounds to me like you need some friends, and I say that in all seriousness. If all you have is work and her, you are going to obsess about one or the other or both. Find a group of people who like the things you do, whether its skiing, climbing, biking, whatever... I think having something you enjoy to occupy your time will make you happier, and both of you will enjoy your time together more and it will build your confidence in yourself making you worry less about those other guys. I hope this helps even the smallest bit
Apr 6 2015 10:40PM
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J-dollo
Posts: 618 - Karma: 285
shotvetLet me first say i am no counselor, but having had similar feelings in the past I will share what I have learned. It sounds to me like you need some friends, and I say that in all seriousness. If all you have is work and her, you are going to obsess about one or the other or both. Find a group of people who like the things you do, whether its skiing, climbing, biking, whatever... I think having something you enjoy to occupy your time will make you happier, and both of you will enjoy your time together more and it will build your confidence in yourself making you worry less about those other guys. I hope this helps even the smallest bit


+k. Thank you, Ive just had a hard time meeting people but I agree. With the shit snow we have gotten here, I haven't been able to ski at a all but it would be very nice to meet some people that I enjoy hanging out with. But I appreciate it more than you know
Apr 6 2015 10:51PM
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JAHpow
Posts: 7282 - Karma: 17,176
Have you explained to her what's going on with you like in the OP? Or just confronted her on the guys she's hung out with? If you haven't done the former then I think you should.

What I'm saying is, you need to have one of "those talks" with her.
Apr 6 2015 11:20PM
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El.Guapo
Posts: 2139 - Karma: 3,173
definitely have gone through something similar but less intense with my gf. And yeah what the other guy said you need some friends you can hangout with. Even ones that are separate from your gf if that makes sense. You need to go do fun crazy stuff with your friends. First off it will show you what its like to be in her position. You'll see that it really isn't a big deal as long as you trust eachother. And also it will show her that you're not a prude. Hope that helps. I'm still figuring out the same stuff.
Apr 6 2015 11:24PM
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yangumane
Posts: 1816 - Karma: 3,347
money first
family second
girls third
Apr 6 2015 11:26PM
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El.Guapo
Posts: 2139 - Karma: 3,173
JAHpowHave you explained to her what's going on with you like in the OP? Or just confronted her on the guys she's hung out with? If you haven't done the former then I think you should.

What I'm saying is, you need to have one of "those talks" with her.


yeah this too. dont argue about shit over text or the phone either. Just sit down with her and explain the big picture and then explain why it bothers you. If you just skip to the end you sound like an insecure like twat. But with a backstory you make sense and I feels with you. So talk to her.
Apr 6 2015 11:34PM
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J-dollo
Posts: 618 - Karma: 285
TheFapyeah this too. dont argue about shit over text or the phone either. Just sit down with her and explain the big picture and then explain why it bothers you. If you just skip to the end you sound like an insecure like twat. But with a backstory you make sense and I feels with you. So talk to her.


Yeah well I confronted her about it, but I think I went about it all wrong because she just seemed upset with me since. Instead of being like"I'm concerned about you hanging out with these guys" I was like "wow, how was being around all those guys?" (Sarcastic tone). I think this pushed her away, and she talks a lot about how confidence is a turn on, so I think that I just went at it all wrong there which was a mistake
Apr 7 2015 3:21AM
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J-dollo
Posts: 618 - Karma: 285
Also, +k to all of you
Apr 7 2015 3:46AM
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Bensun
Posts: 480 - Karma: 1,654
my limited knowledge - is transparency is key in all relationships. the longer you internalize and bottle up certain feelings the more unhappy you will become. This can cause passive aggressive behavior. I always felt that most people are understanding when you sit down when you have a rational talk. The few people that don't are usually incapable of a deeper relationship. But i dont know shit.


More importantly diversify. Having a girlfriend can be amazing but considering you are still young things change and once you devote so much time and energy to one person it can be debilitating. Speaking from limited experience again but If something happens in your relationship were things end badly and u no longer have her ull have a support system.

The girls I have been with have come and past but my friends have always remained somewhat the same. Plus they are a great distraction when I am angry or sad.
Apr 7 2015 3:46AM
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las.
Posts: 1959 - Karma: 1,455
Be confident, show her the trust and respect and love you have for her, and, crucially, don't let small issues build up into something larger than they really are. Take a deep breath, and sort out in a rational way what's getting you down. When you break down your negative feelings and properly talk them out by yourself or with someone else, those problems become far more manageable, and solutions will become far clearer.
Also, if it's any consolation, everyone in the world goes through stuff similar to this - I certainly have. Good luck OP - you're obviously a genuine guy, you'll no doubt get through whatever's troubling you
Apr 7 2015 5:54AM
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byubound
Posts: 1636 - Karma: 9,870
J-dollo+k. Thank you, Ive just had a hard time meeting people but I agree. With the shit snow we have gotten here, I haven't been able to ski at a all but it would be very nice to meet some people that I enjoy hanging out with. But I appreciate it more than you know


Hit me up if you want to hike or shred mountain bikes some time man.
Apr 7 2015 9:39AM
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El.Guapo
Posts: 2139 - Karma: 3,173
J-dollo+k. Thank you, Ive just had a hard time meeting people but I agree. With the shit snow we have gotten here, I haven't been able to ski at a all but it would be very nice to meet some people that I enjoy hanging out with. But I appreciate it more than you know


J-dolloYeah well I confronted her about it, but I think I went about it all wrong because she just seemed upset with me since. Instead of being like"I'm concerned about you hanging out with these guys" I was like "wow, how was being around all those guys?" (Sarcastic tone). I think this pushed her away, and she talks a lot about how confidence is a turn on, so I think that I just went at it all wrong there which was a mistake


Yeah being passive aggressive or sarcastic never works. This is a woman we are talking about, so she will take any sass you give her and multiply it by 10 back at her. But if you just talk with her, be honest, make it clear you're not attacking her but just stating your feelings, She'll have no choice but to be that way back.
Apr 7 2015 10:40AM
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Bloviator
Posts: 45 - Karma: 13
Focus on school. Get your prep work out of the way, and make sure all your credits will transfer to a decent engineering school. Ask your employer if they will kick in some money for your tuition. Don't go into debt for college! Pay that first, and forget all the partying for a while. You've got a decent job, now finish the college, preferably engineering school but if not that then business, finance, econ, etc. Don't bother with a shit English or Communications degree, no one wants those anyway.

On the GF front, she's got you slathering at the gash. You followed her to Seattle, just like she wanted. You moved in with her, just like she wanted. You do everything for her, and she's treating you like a door mat. Stand up and be a man. Move out at the end of April, go back to your family place, or find your own place. Cut way, way, way back on the GF time. Find a small theater group near you and volunteer for small parts or to build sets, or do anything. You'll meet dozens of chicks at a theater group, and all your competition is gay! It even works for someone as ugly and plain as me. Do it - community theater group.

You also need a hobby that doesn't involve her. Go down to the pier and find a small marine engine shop, learn to fix boats, fiberglass, outboards. Find a small airport, and pump gas and work on small planes, maybe get a few free rides. Anything like that. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as it is NOT GF-centric, something on your own, that you enjoy messing with, I don't care what it is.

Put your own rudder in the waters and start steering your own ship. That's why you are depressed, you are running someone else's life, and not your own. Minimize the GF aspect of your life until after college. Great thing about the gash, when one leaves, another one comes along in a few minutes. Community theater - do it; She will hate it, so - bonus.
Apr 7 2015 10:56AM
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.Hugo.
Posts: 17360 - Karma: 28,485
With her being able to go to bars and you not it pretty much just comes down to if you trust her or not. you say you trust her but from what you said it sounds like you dont... if you cant trust her its just simply not gonna work out
Apr 7 2015 11:16AM
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J-dollo
Posts: 618 - Karma: 285
TheFapYeah being passive aggressive or sarcastic never works. This is a woman we are talking about, so she will take any sass you give her and multiply it by 10 back at her. But if you just talk with her, be honest, make it clear you're not attacking her but just stating your feelings, She'll have no choice but to be that way back.


I suppose I have developed a nasty habit of being passive aggressive in situations like these. I gotta learn to not do that
Apr 7 2015 12:10PM
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theBearJew
Posts: 10951 - Karma: 15,633
It doesnt sound like youre in a rut at all. It just sounds like you're questioning some of your relationship.

Not sure if already said/asked, but do you see a future with this girl? Coukd you consider the possibility of marrying her? If the answer is no, stop what you're doing, and do whatever you want to do without reguard for her. Seriously.

If the answer is yes, we can continue. Being in a similar situation when I graduated I can speak from some experience. I dated a girl for 2 years, stayed in town after college to get fucked over by her.

Anyway, my advice to you is figure out what the best plan for you is. If thats staying living together, moving back into your familys house, or moving away, doesnt matter. Figure that out. Then figure out how she works into that plan. Openly discuss this with her, within limitations of course, nothing that will cause huge fights. The most important thing is you. If she is the right girl then you both will do what you have to to make it work. Figure out your life, then figure out your life together. Maybe Im biased because I got fucked over, but if you focus so much on her and not yourself, youll get left out and seriously hurt if things go south.

From what I read, you are questioning it, doubting her, and feel like something is off. Those are not good signs. Try to step back and analyze things. Hope some of this helps. Good luck.
Apr 7 2015 12:12PM
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Casey
Posts: 7849 - Karma: 24,317
I think its just a side effect of moving to Seattle. You get depressed, start listening to some weird ass music on public radio, start dressing like your homeless and collecting cans wondering why life is so pointless... I would ask around its pretty much just what this place does to people.
Apr 7 2015 12:21PM
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Park_Ranger
Posts: 3825 - Karma: 8,635
BloviatorFocus on school. Get your prep work out of the way, and make sure all your credits will transfer to a decent engineering school. Ask your employer if they will kick in some money for your tuition. Don't go into debt for college! Pay that first, and forget all the partying for a while. You've got a decent job, now finish the college, preferably engineering school but if not that then business, finance, econ, etc. Don't bother with a shit English or Communications degree, no one wants those anyway.

On the GF front, she's got you slathering at the gash. You followed her to Seattle, just like she wanted. You moved in with her, just like she wanted. You do everything for her, and she's treating you like a door mat. Stand up and be a man. Move out at the end of April, go back to your family place, or find your own place. Cut way, way, way back on the GF time. Find a small theater group near you and volunteer for small parts or to build sets, or do anything. You'll meet dozens of chicks at a theater group, and all your competition is gay! It even works for someone as ugly and plain as me. Do it - community theater group.

You also need a hobby that doesn't involve her. Go down to the pier and find a small marine engine shop, learn to fix boats, fiberglass, outboards. Find a small airport, and pump gas and work on small planes, maybe get a few free rides. Anything like that. Doesn't matter what it is, as long as it is NOT GF-centric, something on your own, that you enjoy messing with, I don't care what it is.

Put your own rudder in the waters and start steering your own ship. That's why you are depressed, you are running someone else's life, and not your own. Minimize the GF aspect of your life until after college. Great thing about the gash, when one leaves, another one comes along in a few minutes. Community theater - do it; She will hate it, so - bonus.


Solid advice here. Cracked up at the community theater thing
Apr 7 2015 1:43PM
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Bloviator
Posts: 45 - Karma: 13
Park_RangerSolid advice here. Cracked up at the community theater thing


Thanks.

It works. Aspiring local actresses, models, singers. If you don't mind a bit of cattiness and general gossip, you can date some pretty hot stuff. Back in the bad old days I met Debbie Harry that way, and we went out a few times. Her steady guy was sick with some kind of weird stuff, always in the hospital. She did like to partay. I obliged.
Apr 7 2015 2:20PM
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CashmereCat
Posts: 2211 - Karma: 2,394
So yeah, I've kinda been going through the same thing, with other stuff piled on top of it. It's important to let her know you trust her by letting her go out if she wants to and not making a big deal out of it. Something I've definitely learned from my situation is that I relied way to much on my girl to help me out when I needed it. Granted I'm only 17 and she's 18 so she was not really equipped to deal with what I was putting on her. Just give her the space she needs, if you love each other it'll all work out.
Apr 7 2015 3:48PM
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daannnnieel
Posts: 5163 - Karma: 4,293
I would say just keep on keeping on man, a lot of people would honestly kill to be in a scenario like you. You're going to college, you have a plan for what your doing, you have a cool sounding family to fall back onto if all else fails and your girlfriend sounds like a reasonable human being as well. Trust goes a long way, if she trusts you then you should trust her back, and if you don't why would you try and stick it out anyways?

As for being in a rut, that's life sometimes. I can tell you that i'm in an altogether different rut myself, and the only way to look at it is that it'll be over soon, and that more exciting things are on the way.

Keep your chin up man, it's spring time! Go hiking or biking or something, take your mind off the day to day.
Apr 7 2015 4:08PM
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J-dollo
Posts: 618 - Karma: 285
KayngBayngI would say just keep on keeping on man, a lot of people would honestly kill to be in a scenario like you. You're going to college, you have a plan for what your doing, you have a cool sounding family to fall back onto if all else fails and your girlfriend sounds like a reasonable human being as well. Trust goes a long way, if she trusts you then you should trust her back, and if you don't why would you try and stick it out anyways?

As for being in a rut, that's life sometimes. I can tell you that i'm in an altogether different rut myself, and the only way to look at it is that it'll be over soon, and that more exciting things are on the way.

Keep your chin up man, it's spring time! Go hiking or biking or something, take your mind off the day to day.


Thanks man I really appreciate it! And thanks to all of you, I just needed some words from people other than family
Apr 7 2015 4:25PM
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daannnnieel
Posts: 5163 - Karma: 4,293
J-dolloAnd thanks to all of you, I just needed some words from people other than family


everyone does, reassurance from people you dont even know is the best kind. Its cool that instead of dropping a couple thousand on mental help, you can just stop by nsg.
Apr 7 2015 7:21PM
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nate1097
Posts: 361 - Karma: 524
Honestly? just be you bro. dont act like someone else to try an get this girl to stick with you. if its not someone you can stay with forever just let it go dude. not saying that is going to happen just making sure you be yourself. be honest and have a talk with her about what you are going to do and let her decide how she wants to fit in to that. you seem like a chill guy tho im sure you would be able to find someone else, dont cheat urself out of being happy just to stick with this girl.


basically, do your thing and dont act like someone else
Apr 7 2015 9:06PM
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