Member of the Month

hi_vis360
November, 2024

Online

Welcome to the Newschoolers forums! You may read the forums as a guest, however you must be a registered member to post. Register to become a member today!

Dad jokes

profile picture
little1337
Posts: 8264 - Karma: 48,297
Post 'em

"If you're cold, stand in the corner. It's 90 degrease"
Mar 26 2014 11:51PM
801 162
profile picture
SFB
Posts: 8895 - Karma: 26,353
me-"im hungy"

dad-"hi hungry"

fuk u dad
Mar 26 2014 11:57PM
45 0
profile picture
GayWolf420
Posts: 37554 - Karma: 121,826
How do you baby sit black kids?
Mar 27 2014 12:18AM
2 1
profile picture
Rusticles
Posts: 2180 - Karma: 1,337
How
Mar 27 2014 1:52AM
0 0
profile picture
yangumane
Posts: 1816 - Karma: 3,347
It took me a while until I realized you meant degrees
Mar 27 2014 2:01AM
19 0
profile picture
Phil-X-
Posts: 7205 - Karma: 14,399
Click for larger image
Mar 27 2014 2:09AM
29 0
profile picture
.Hugo.
Posts: 17360 - Karma: 28,488
Whenever I hurt something this is what happened:

Me: my ____ hurts

Dad: does your face hurt?

Me: no...?

Dad: well its killing me


Fell for it every time god damnit
Mar 27 2014 2:33AM
26 0
profile picture
.Hugo.
Posts: 17360 - Karma: 28,488
Oh and also

Me: tell dad a joke

Dad: you're funny

Me: thank you

Dad: funny looking
Mar 27 2014 2:34AM
23 0
profile picture
-MK-
Posts: 3253 - Karma: 5,332
Everytime
Mar 27 2014 3:28AM
1 1
profile picture
Rafiki
Posts: 3858 - Karma: 2,251
change your icon you tool
Mar 27 2014 3:42AM
2 2
profile picture
Wallisch_pl
Posts: 5260 - Karma: 1,022
me. dad can i have the car
dad. idkkkkkkkkkkk
me. ill do anything daddddd
dad. give me a lil head
me. why does your dick taste like poop?
dad. Oh yah i let your brother have the car :/
Mar 27 2014 7:36AM
2 58
profile picture
MLJ
Posts: 1849 - Karma: 3,649
You'd know the taste...
Mar 27 2014 8:05AM
15 0
profile picture
Wallisch_pl
Posts: 5260 - Karma: 1,022
Yeah man, you got me there!!
Mar 27 2014 8:08AM
0 24
profile picture
Bar_Down
Posts: 5896 - Karma: 395
Jesus Christ
Mar 27 2014 8:13AM
23 0
profile picture
hendriab
Posts: 990 - Karma: 404
*Son gets hit by car*

Son: Dad, call me an ambulance"

Dad *tears in his eyes*: "Hello Ambulance, Im Dad"
Mar 27 2014 8:26AM
38 0
profile picture
kohlblaze603
Posts: 35 - Karma: 547
"i brought you into this world, ill take you right back out."
Mar 27 2014 8:34AM
0 0
profile picture
kohlblaze603
Posts: 35 - Karma: 547
"__________ like shit through a goose"
Mar 27 2014 8:35AM
0 0
profile picture
kohlblaze603
Posts: 35 - Karma: 547
" drink this it'll put hair on your ass"
Mar 27 2014 8:36AM
4 0
profile picture
yelsel
Posts: 12967 - Karma: 3,451
me: *singing along to a song*

dad: hey, who sings that song?

me: oh so and so

dad: yeah, let's keep it that way
Mar 27 2014 8:40AM
29 0
profile picture
YourMomsCouch
Posts: 311 - Karma: 4,039
Not much of a joke, but when my dad was a cop there was this fugitive making his escape on a bike and my dad threw a boom box out of his policecar and it hit him in the head.
Mar 27 2014 8:55AM
30 0
profile picture
GayWolf420
Posts: 37554 - Karma: 121,826
oh yeah? Well my dad could kick your dads ass any day
Mar 27 2014 8:56AM
18 4
profile picture
YourMomsCouch
Posts: 311 - Karma: 4,039
Well tell your dad he better watch out my dads boom box okay
Mar 27 2014 8:59AM
6 4
profile picture
lamadelrey
Posts: 210 - Karma: 481
Harsh
Mar 27 2014 9:14AM
2 0
profile picture
chacha33
Posts: 959 - Karma: 4,163
My personal favorite is when my dad says "you're a failure" with a straight face. Gets me every time
Mar 27 2014 9:16AM
33 0
profile picture
.AR6rider.
Posts: 15976 - Karma: 8,799
Me as a 10 year old: "Hey, Dad, can you make me a grilled cheese for lunch?"
Dad: POOF! you're a grilled cheese!
Me: FFFFUUUUUUUUU

How about third grade teacher jokes?

Me: "Mr. B, can I go to the bathroom?
Mr. B: "I sure hope so, otherwise you should see a doctor."
Me: "FFFUUUUU Mr. B...MAY I go to the bathroom?
Mr. B: Of course!

...Unfortunately, Mr. B. got murdered.
Mar 27 2014 9:33AM
31 1
profile picture
El_Barto.
Posts: 11661 - Karma: 24,340
hahaha
Mar 27 2014 9:34AM
2 0
profile picture
GayWolf420
Posts: 37554 - Karma: 121,826
Or the infamous "can I use the bathroom?" "I don't know, can you?"...
Mar 27 2014 9:36AM
9 0
profile picture
Stadtski
Posts: 972 - Karma: 3,349
me: dad, im going to bed, see you in the morning
dad: ok, thanks for the warning!

my grandma made this exact joke on my birthday:
Click for larger image
Mar 27 2014 9:52AM
13 0
profile picture
Skittle.
Posts: 2537 - Karma: 718
*wife going into labor. dad calls ambulance*

dad: hi my wife is going into labor!

operator: is this her first child?

dad: no this is her husband.
Mar 27 2014 9:57AM
25 0
profile picture
WPoch
Posts: 1751 - Karma: 3,831
My daddy owns your daddy
Mar 27 2014 10:17AM
0 0
profile picture
no_steeze
Posts: 23992 - Karma: 4,273
"Did you get a haircut?"

"No, I just got my ears lowered"
Mar 27 2014 10:48AM
5 3
profile picture
CaptainObvious.
Posts: 5712 - Karma: 20,638
First day of classes I used to fuck with students.

Kid: "Can I go to the bathroom?
Me: "I don't know....CAN you?"
Kid: "Ugh....MAY I go to the bathroom?
Me: "I don't know.....MAY you go to the bathroom?"
Kid: "Uhh.....yes?"
Me: "Who the heck do you think you are? This is my classroom. You don't excuse yourself I excuse you."

And I'd run them around like this for a few minutes until they just got quiet, then I'd walk slowly to them and say, "I understand it's a matter of urgency that you use the facilities?"

The kid just looks up at me like "wut"

Then I just hand them the hall pass.


....keep em on their toes.
Mar 27 2014 10:54AM
14 0
profile picture
neutralzombie
Posts: 8629 - Karma: 606
waitress: "So for dessert we have the fried pineapple, or the fried banana, and green tea ice cream."

dad: " do you think i could get the fried banana inside the fried pineapple?" *penetration hand gesture*

Mar 27 2014 11:02AM
19 0
profile picture
howlongcanausern
Posts: 4982 - Karma: 1,737
me: dad what's for dinner?
dad: i dunno what are you making


FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU
Mar 27 2014 11:08AM
16 0
profile picture
louie.mirags
Posts: 6015 - Karma: 5,027
"Why are you so tired?"

"Why do you always come in and go straight to the fridge?"

Mar 27 2014 11:09AM
2 0
profile picture
Parks.
Posts: 5612 - Karma: 1,093
My dad has soo many quotes of stupid shit. Thank god I write them down

"If you ever need some support I your life, get a jock strap"
Mar 27 2014 3:00PM
0 0
profile picture
whoa-dere
Posts: 10596 - Karma: 7,105
Hahahaha
Mar 27 2014 3:06PM
0 0
profile picture
op14
Posts: 1769 - Karma: 4,586
Dad: Are you wearing socks?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Dad: Do they have holes in them?
Me: No, why?
Dad: Then how'd you get them on?


Dad: A mushroom walks into a party. Everyone tell him to leave. The mushroom says "Why? I'm a fungi"
Mar 27 2014 3:18PM
12 0
profile picture
No.Quarter
Posts: 5257 - Karma: 16,965
Dad: do you want something to drink?
Me: yeah
Dad: we'll could you get me something too?
Mar 27 2014 3:31PM
6 0
profile picture
deleted5
Posts: 14507 - Karma: 13,507
Click for larger image If that doesn't work

https://v.cdn.vine.co/r/videos/C26C52DF101035354733009043456_11efb3e629a.4.7.3197612252788393463_YV9kGbO.2RM6IFJBGXCkra2wAXyL8k2f7Xt1aIej4_Y5tHRFdnb9f8sWj1QSXEhp.mp4?versionId=bcQt1PAFUalg1XrO.h37zb3FnaHbT3UP
Mar 27 2014 3:32PM
0 0
profile picture
OzzyJ
Posts: 723 - Karma: 927
Seriously WTF
Mar 27 2014 3:44PM
12 0
profile picture
Byron_tha_gr8
Posts: 4573 - Karma: 14,299
hahahaha this makes me appreciate my dad's corniness.

I mean his jokes are so dumb, but i wouldn't have it any other way.
Mar 27 2014 3:52PM
2 0
profile picture
[legit]
Posts: 73 - Karma: 122
i bet this dudes dads got a phat mustache
Mar 27 2014 4:03PM
5 0
profile picture
Byron_tha_gr8
Posts: 4573 - Karma: 14,299
i would hate/love you.

Also on a teacher related note, one of my friends was one of the snow reporters for the local ski area.We knew he was a big skier, and we noticed if it ever snowed a foot, he wouldn't show up. We had our giant group presentation due, and we weren't done. It snowed the night before, and he reported 13 inches instead of the 10 that actually fell. The teacher showed up anyways, we failed the project.

what a story.
Mar 27 2014 4:10PM
6 0
profile picture
lamadelrey
Posts: 210 - Karma: 481
fail
Mar 27 2014 4:20PM
0 0
profile picture
Shredsterr
Posts: 2090 - Karma: 6,930
My dad once called me a fuckhead.
Mar 27 2014 4:20PM
8 0
profile picture
lamadelrey
Posts: 210 - Karma: 481
oh nvm we both fail.
Mar 27 2014 4:21PM
1 0
profile picture
snwbrdmilf
Posts: 22441 - Karma: 2,806
Child: Mom, what's for dinner?
Mom: Food.
Child: What kind of food?
Mom: The kind you eat.
Child: Mooooooooooooooooooom!

I do this to my own kids now. Everything your parents did to you that you thought was awful and annoying, HILARIOUS as a parent.
Mar 27 2014 4:30PM
15 1
profile picture
op14
Posts: 1769 - Karma: 4,586
Since there are a lot of teacher jokes on this now, my chemistry teacher is probably the funniest teacher i've ever had. If you say um before you answer a question he'll freak and say "Do you speak english? Um is not a word!" and if you come to class like a minute late he opens the door a crack and goes "What do you want? Were not buying any". and then lets the person in and snarls at them.
Mar 27 2014 4:36PM
2 10
profile picture
.Hugo.
Posts: 17360 - Karma: 28,488
None of those things are remotely funny
Mar 27 2014 4:39PM
21 1
profile picture
op14
Posts: 1769 - Karma: 4,586
It's more of a you have to be there to understand the humor in it.
Mar 27 2014 4:43PM
1 7
All times are Eastern (-5)