Scary Future

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID
number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's
6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive,
and the phone number
is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your
cell number is
266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from
sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add
only 15 seconds to
your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat
Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've
got very high blood
pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider
won't allow such an
unhealthy choice .

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like
it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local
library last week,
sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your
2 dogs can finish
the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your
credit card balance is
over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets
here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn
also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes,
sir. If you're in a
hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting
the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car
got repo'ed. But your
Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July
4, 2003, conviction
for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in
September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge Oh yes, I see
here that you just
got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your
first pizza since your
return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from
offering free soda to
diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

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