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YO NS I need some Christmas jokes A$AP

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jorb.co
Posts: 2581 - Karma: 468
I'm gonna emcee my high school band concert in 2 hours and need some chrizmiz jokes, riddles, one liners, etc.. Dirty, sexy, corny, cheesy, lame IDGAF just lay em on me
Dec 12 2012 7:21PM
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Jeebus.
Posts: 4904 - Karma: 5,822
If you're asking NS for jokes to use, i think they picked the wrong person to emcee, maybe they should've gone with someone funny.
Dec 12 2012 7:22PM
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chilling
Posts: 83 - Karma: 10
"Im gay.....jokingly"

seriously this thing works. it jump-started my career in entertainment
Dec 12 2012 7:23PM
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Miomo
Posts: 4302 - Karma: 14,133
What did the girl with no arms and no legs get for christmas?

A pool.
Dec 12 2012 7:23PM
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BolderPro
Posts: 767 - Karma: 426
what did the kid with no hands get for xmas... gloves, just kidding he hasnt opened his present yet
Dec 12 2012 7:25PM
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jorb.co
Posts: 2581 - Karma: 468
I'm funny in the "everyone thinks I'm weird but the fat girls laugh at my jokes" kind of way
Dec 12 2012 7:25PM
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roddy116
Posts: 10627 - Karma: 7,423
what did the baby get for his first christmas





















nothing




























he was aborted
Dec 12 2012 7:26PM
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Steeze_Irwin
Posts: 161 - Karma: 218
i got a few.. but i'd rather wait until after 2 hours to tell u
Dec 12 2012 7:27PM
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Miomo
Posts: 4302 - Karma: 14,133
What's red and creeping up your leg?

A homesick abortion.
Dec 12 2012 7:27PM
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Forcillo
Posts: 3801 - Karma: 3,580
This.

for this reason I will not give you a suggestion. You don't want it.
Dec 12 2012 7:28PM
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Jeebus.
Posts: 4904 - Karma: 5,822
I laughed, i approve.
Dec 12 2012 7:28PM
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Barefootin_Fiend
Posts: 7618 - Karma: 4,727

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty, even the mouse!

Dad's at the whore house & Mom's smoking grass,
and I just settled down for a nice piece of ass.

Then out on the lawn there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew right away that fat fucker fell.

He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart,
that son-of-a-bitch blew my chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight,
"Piss on you all and have one hell of a night."

Dec 12 2012 7:30PM
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K-Dot.
Posts: 3738 - Karma: 7,675
Just tell them about your life.
Dec 12 2012 7:32PM
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Steeze_Irwin
Posts: 161 - Karma: 218
like this guy?


Dec 12 2012 7:33PM
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DINGWALL
Posts: 32 - Karma: 13
I have some old ass jew jokes.

guess how copper wire was invented
2 jews fighting over a penny

why did the jews spend so long wandering in the desert?
one of them dropped a quarter

how do you know you're at a jew's house for christmas?
parking meter on the roof
Dec 12 2012 7:37PM
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.AR6rider.
Posts: 15976 - Karma: 8,799
The funniest joke of all:

Q: What does an NSer do when someone makes a joke thread?

A: He goes immediately to antijoke.com so he can be the first one to post the offensive ones, thinking he's clever and funny.
Dec 12 2012 7:41PM
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Tall_Paul
Posts: 958 - Karma: 57
What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer :-)
Dec 12 2012 7:42PM
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jet_
Posts: 89 - Karma: 131
i guess i'll just give you my favorite offensive joke

Why do they make the Quran out of hemp?
Because if you burn it, you get stoned.
Dec 12 2012 7:44PM
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Bumblesteeze
Posts: 3092 - Karma: 748
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
- Frostbite

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
- Snowflakes

Dec 12 2012 7:47PM
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kvan
Posts: 3085 - Karma: 1,225
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stopped after the 3rd ho.
Dec 12 2012 7:47PM
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steezywannabeezy
Posts: 990 - Karma: 690
Why did the reindeer tackle Santa?

Because he was Blitzen.


What's the difference between Santa and Michael Jackson?

Documentation.

Dec 12 2012 8:18PM
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oil.
Posts: 2255 - Karma: 1,254
what did the orphan get for christmas? a new foster family
Dec 12 2012 8:19PM
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SupaHotFire
Posts: 356 - Karma: 104
My girlfriend wanted a watergun for christmas. So I peed in her butt.
Dec 12 2012 8:25PM
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theater.thug
Posts: 441 - Karma: 671
What did superman say the night he decided to overcome his weakness AND join a gang?


Im going to be a kryptonite
Dec 12 2012 8:30PM
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_____alfredo____
Posts: 1123 - Karma: 2,503
good one
Dec 12 2012 9:11PM
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EmperorKuzco
Posts: 6660 - Karma: 254
What did the homeless man get for christmas?

Nothing, but he did purchase whiskey with the little money he had to drink away his misery, and to suppress his suicidal thoughts that were a result of his alcoholism which stemmed from his father's abusive nature.
Dec 12 2012 9:18PM
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K-Dot.
Posts: 3738 - Karma: 7,675
My good pal schoolboy q has a lyric for that: "Feeling like superman
I might crip tonight"
From his song Sacriligious
Dec 13 2012 12:27AM
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MNS
Posts: 5386 - Karma: 3,241
potentially the worst joke i've ever heard
Dec 13 2012 12:56AM
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RubberSoul
Posts: 11249 - Karma: 14,642
big points to this guy for the only xmas joke in the thread
Dec 13 2012 1:47AM
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Colin@injured
Posts: 600 - Karma: 307
classic dumb
what kind of shoes do spies wear? Sneakers
Dec 13 2012 5:55PM
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