When there was nothing, except an infinitely intelligent asexual being with masculine tendencies known as God, existence was mundane. God then created the first pizza, and it tasted good. From that pizza God created the heavens of cheese, the earth from dough, water from grease and the animals and plants from sausage. And God said it tasted good. But God saw that the animals and plants were boring, so he made from the bacon a being similar to himself and called it Man. Then he said to man:
You are here to eat
For I have provided you with the makings of Pizza
But you must make this Pizza on your own,
For I have other things to do
And God saw that Man’s Pizza tasted good. But Man had no companions, he began to talk to himself, and walk in circles. He no longer made Pizza to God’s expectations and ate just the sausage and became obese. God was angry at Man, who had become lazy and God said,
Your Pizza sucks, and you mind is funky
You are obviously not suited for cooking,
God then bestowed the gift of Woman. Who could cook, and convince Man to eat food other than sausage. And God saw that the food tasted good. And God said to Man and Woman:
Do not eat of my divine Pizza stash
For if you do, then you will taste foods other than Pizza
And those foods are for me.
And Man who was always hungry, ate from the divine Pizza stash, and God said:
Your hunger knows no bounds,
For this I will punish you with a high muscle capacity.
You will work to gather food for Woman to cook.
And Woman will give birth to offspring, like the common animals of the earth.
You will only name the best offspring Henry.
Woman was furious and slapped Man.
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