this is my last thread, i promise
The woman who destroyed a Spanish fresco by “restoring” it has offered to use her artistic skill to restore Lance Armstrong’s Tour De France titles. “I want to use my power for good,” said Cecilia Jimenez. “And I think Lance’s features are quite easy to replicate. Plus, there’s nothing that doping allegations can destroy that can’t be put right with a bit of brown acrylic.”
Jimenez said she has been “hugely encouraged” by the media coverage her painting has received since she transformed Jesus Christ into a howler monkey with a few deft brush strokes.
“The global mood is so bleak right now, I think there’s a real need for things to be restored,” said Jimenez, excitedly mixing up a fresh batch of mud-brown paint.
She said she has chosen Lance Armstrong’s career as her next restoration job because “he’s such a nice boy, and I am quite good making yellow circles and he wears a yellow circle on his brown hairy arm”.
She added that she also felt a special bond with him because he had had “lots of terrible accusations” levelled at him. “They’re saying horrible things about my restoration, like that it makes Our Lord look almost furry enough to be a Spanish woman, but I know that goodness and artistic talent will triumph.”
She said once she had restored Armstrong’s titles, she would try to restore the reputation of the Catholic church.
“The Mother Church keeps trying to use whitewash to restore itself,” she explained, adding that she had “some exciting ideas”, starting with the repainting for the Sistine Chapel, “in a variety of lovely earthy tones like mud, silt, muddy silt, and Vervet Monkey”.
According to Jimenez, she was looking forward to being commissioned to restore “all the other paintings that were done a bit crap”.
“Look, the Mona Lisa was a good try,” she said. “But if you think she’s enigmatic now, just wait until she’s got a beard and a crown of furry thorns.”
