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BATON ROUGE, LA—Announcing his controversial return to family life, local resident Uncle Greg told reporters Monday he will attempt to make his long-awaited comeback during a family barbecue in a relative's backyard next month.
Once a mainstay of holiday get-togethers, the 39-year-old uncle has long been written off by those who said he could never recover from a decade of strained relationships, social gaffes, and severed familial connections.
"It's official—I'm back," said Uncle Greg, outlining plans to attend his first major family function in nearly three years. "All my hard work the past few months has been leading up to this: holding down a job, easing up on the booze a bit, getting myself a decent haircut. And at 12:30 p.m. on Saturday, Aug. 7, all the naysayers will be silenced when they see the new Uncle Greg in top form."
According to the three-time college dropout, the upcoming barbecue is ideal for staging his return, partly because it will take place on friendly turf, with Cousin Dan, one of the few relations who's stood by him through every slump, serving as host. The gathering is also expected to be pretty low-key, since it falls during a lull in the family's summertime schedule, a month after the big reunion on July 4 but weeks before the special Labor Day celebration planned for Grandpa Jim and Grandma Joan's 60th anniversary.
"Obviously, I'd be stupid to try and pull this off during a First Communion or a Thanksgiving dinner or something," Uncle Greg said. "But I figure at Dan's place I can just walk in, ask him if he needs any help with the grill, and, when he says no, stake out a neutral spot for myself at one of the picnic tables."
"Plus, Shelley and Rod will be out of town," he continued. "So that should be a big help."
Though he wouldn't disclose his entire strategy, Greg did reveal that he plans to drink only one or two beers tops, avoid the topic of politics altogether, and smile and remain polite to Cheryl, no matter "how big of a bitch" she might be.
While his performance the past few years has been spotty, Uncle Greg enjoyed a long stint of popularity during his mid-20s, when his practice of sitting at the kids' table and teaching Dave and Linda's dog Frisky to drink Pepsi earned him the title of "favorite uncle."
Sources agree that Uncle Greg peaked in 1999, and that a long string of ugly incidents since then—including Aunt Margaret's birthday party, during which he made an unfortunate joke about her spinsterhood, and the picnic at the lake to which he brought his best friend Bobby, who kept hitting on a 16-year-old niece—has all but cemented his role as the family's black sheep.
"He's really giving it his all," said Uncle Greg's wife, Jeanie, who believes this comeback will be a success despite the failure of a similar attempt a few Thanksgivings ago. "This time he's serious. And I can tell he's trying extra hard because he asked me to buy him a new T-shirt for the occasion, and to make a pan of my chocolate-chip bread pudding so he can walk in carrying something."
Added Jeanie, "He even told me he wasn't going to challenge anyone to an arm- wrestling match the whole time."
Many relatives remain skeptical of Uncle Greg's ability to recapture his former glory.Sister-in-Law Cheryl went so far as to doubt the sincerity of the entire project.
"What is this, comeback No. 7?" Cheryl said. "Greg tries to pull this shit whenever he needs money and realizes no one is going to give him any if he keeps acting like an ass. His best bet is to make a fresh start with the nieces and nephews who are too young to remember the guy who ruined Christmas with a goddamn DWI. Twice."
Uncle Greg told reporters he preferred to keep a positive outlook, because "this is family and you have to let bygones be bygones, even though [Brother-in-Law] Michael will probably never let you dog-sit again."
Greg also confirmed he was memorizing the names of those who weren't born the last time he attended a family gathering, or "who packed on a shit-ton of weight recently like Aunt Roberta."
"This family needs me and I'm going to make them realize that once and for all," Uncle Greg said. "This barbecue is going to change everything."
"Especially after I tell Mom and Dad about crashing their truck over the weekend," he added.
WASHINGTON—Sitting down for a candid interview withMarie Claire magazine last Thursday, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly opened up about her marriage to President Barack Obama, saying that their sex life “has never been more open, more experimental, or more generous.”
The first lady spoke at length with Marie Claire about the couple’s resurgent love life, revealing that after years of humdrum intimacy, a recent spike in the frequency and intensity of their lovemaking has resulted in the most satisfying and adventurous sex she has ever known.
“We’ve never been this talkative in bed,” the first lady said, adding that the couple has recently enjoyed a “raw hunger for each other” that’s amounted to “some of the most intense—desperate, even—sex [she’s] ever had.” “We’d been treading water for a while there, just going through the motions, but then something clicked. We just started having fun with it. Sometimes I’ll leave my heels on, and other times I’ll come out of the shower and Barack will be already lying in bed, naked.”
“We have this new rule right now—we’re not saying ‘I love you’ during sex,” Obama continued, explaining that there’s a freedom that comes with treating intercourse not like two lovers, but like two strangers who just want to “have a little fun.” “And it doesn’t have to be a big production every time. Sometimes we’ll just do oral, or we’ll only use our hands. Anything that breaks the routine.”
The first lady said that prior to attending the G20 Conference in Russia last month, President Obama suggested that they try role playing, an idea that sent the couple into a midlife sexual odyssey that included experimentation with sex toys, domination, submission play, and on one “admittedly boozy occasion,” the intimate company of a senior White House staffer.
“We’ve started playing around with choking,” the nation’s 51st first lady told Marie Claire. “And if it gets too rough, I just tell him to slow down. Slow can be really good.”
According to Obama, the couple fell into a rut during the president’s 2008 presidential run, when the stresses of the campaign turned the once passionate couple into roommates rather than lovers.
Obama said that while the two never stopped having sex, intercourse became stale, almost like a chore. And while both the president and the first lady were still having orgasms, the predictability of the sex wasn’t giving the first couple the kind of satisfaction they both craved.
“The thing is, Barack was always extremely sexual,” said Obama, sharing an anecdote when—while living in Chicago—they once found a private place in Jackson Park and had sex under a blanket. “But it was like we decided that the book was closed. We quit checking in, we let go of trying to make our sexual goals happen. For example, it had been a long time since I had a vaginal orgasm, and that used to be something that was really important to Barack—for me to get there.”
“Somewhere along the line we let that dream die, as well as the holy grail of having a simultaneous orgasm,” Obama continued. “That was upsetting. I remember I actually stopped masturbating for a while, because I started to feel like a less sexual, less desired person altogether.”
Obama noted that as a lover, the president is now 100% available emotionally, physically, and spiritually, and that he’s never been more attentive or celebratory of her body. In addition, the first lady confirmed that the president is going down on her more and that she loves it.
“We’ve been watching a lot of porn together, too, which is also a big turn-on,” Obama said. “I really like James Deen’s stuff, and fantasizing about my favorite scenes helps me get over the edge when I’m close. I don’t come every time, that’s just how it’s always been with me, but Barack’s learning not to take it out on himself when I don’t have an orgasm.”
Considering their packed schedules and grueling travel itineraries, coupled with raising two teenage daughters, the first lady said “daytime quickies in the Situation Room or the Oval are a lifesaver” and that finding out-of-the-bedroom locations has been a fun, erotic challenge.
“I surprised him on Marine One before he left for Sweden the other day, just to spice things up,” Obama said, adding that she gave him a little taste of what he’d be missing while he was gone by slipping her panties into his pocket before takeoff. “We use our time apart to rev up our engines. Barack knows I like to be bossed around, so before he went to Europe for the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership a few months ago, he said I wasn’t allowed to touch myself until he got back. That was really hot. And during this government shutdown he’s been using me as a release, and sometimes being used in bed—being treated like an object—is really sexy, you know?”
“Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint,” Obama added. “We’re riding a high right now, and I know it’ll dip again. That’s okay. That’s how it works. But for right now, I’m just enjoying this flood of hot, hungry sex with my husband.”
ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company's 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.
In a press conference to reporters, company representatives said the homophobic new sandwich will include the national fast food chain’s trademark fried chicken filet wrapped in a piece of specially-smoked No Homo ham that would be topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and lathered in a creamy new Thousand Island-based Fag Punching sauce.
"The Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu is our company's way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values," said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. "From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.”
"Of course, the young ones will want to finish their meals off right with a No Fudge Packin' Soft Serve Cone," Gary added. "I can't think of a better way to follow up a sandwich this good."
While the release of the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu has led to anger from pro-gay rights groups, loyal Chick-fil-A customers claim they are happy they can finally enjoy a sandwich that takes a firm stance on the issue of homosexuality.
"Any sandwich that combines that great Chick-fil-A flavor with a hefty dose of vitriolic homophobia is definitely going to keep me coming back for more," said Atlanta customer John Oaks. “Come Wednesday, I’m going to be first in line for this thing.”
According to sources, the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is merely the first of Chick-fil-A’s new family values menu which is set to include the AIDS Is God’s Curse chicken nugget combo and the Fags Caused 9/11 strawberry fruit smoothie.
On Jan. 26, just four days after visiting the doctor for what he thought was severe indigestion or maybe an ulcer, Russ Kunkel got the dreaded news: A malignant, fist-sized tumor had metastasized between his stomach and liver. It was cancer.
Right then and there, faced with the prospect of a life-threatening disease, the 34-year-old Florissant, MO, husband and father of three drew a deep breath and made a firm resolution to himself: I am not going to fight this. I am a dead man.
On Feb. 20, less than a month after he was first diagnosed, Kunkel died following a brief, cowardly battle with stomach cancer.
"Most people, when they find out they've got something terrible like this, dig deep down inside and tap into some tremendous well of courage and strength they never knew they had," said Judith Kunkel, Russ' wife of 11 years. "Not Russ. The moment he found out he had cancer, he curled up into a fetal ball and sobbed uncontrollably for three straight weeks."
Said Judith: "I can still remember Russ' last words: 'Oh, God—I'm going to die! Why, God, why? Why me? Why not someone else?'"
According to Russ' personal physician, Dr. James Wohlpert, the type of cancer Russ had generally takes at least four months to advance to the terminal stage. But because of what he described as a "remarkable lack of fighting spirit," the disease consumed him in less than one.
"It's rare that you see someone give up that quickly and completely," Wohlpert said. "Cancer is a powerful disease, but most people can at the very least delay the spread of it by maintaining a positive outlook and mental attitude. This, however, was not the case with Russ."
Russ' friends and acquaintances saw that same lack of fighting spirit.
"Russ did not go quietly, that's for sure," said longtime friend Bobby Dwyer. "He did a tremendous amount of screaming."
"During the three days he spent at work before the pain got too bad, I saw a very different Russ," said Arnold Tolliver, a co-worker at the Florissant electronics store where Russ had been employed for the past six years. "He was always telling the customers how tragic it was that he wouldn't outlive his kids, reminding me that every day is a gift cruelly torn from his fingers, and grabbing somebody, anybody, by the shirt and screaming into their face that he didn't want to die."
In those final days, like so many who realize their day of reckoning is near, Russ Kunkel turned to a higher power. "Russ came to me in his time of need," said Pastor Charles Bourne of Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church. "But when I tried to comfort him by saying he would be with God soon, he only stopped bawling long enough to say, 'Fuck God. There is no God.' I had to get a couple acolytes to help me pry him out from underneath the pews."
When the end finally came, Russ Kunkel died red-eyed, trembling and hysterical in the attic of his home, where, in the depths of his fear, he was convinced the Reaper would look last. On that day, his 5-year-old daughter Bailey awoke to an unnerving quiet, the usual terror-choked sobs and shrieks of her father strangely absent from the morning air. Alarmed, she ran to her mother's side.
"Bailey was yelling, 'Daddy stopped crying! Daddy stopped crying!'" Judith said. "Somehow, though she's still very young, she understood."
On Monday, Russ Kunkel was laid to rest at Shady Grove Cemetery in Florissant. More than 200 people gathered to bid farewell. And just as Russ had requested shortly before his death, the funeralgoers wailed loudly and gnashed their teeth, cursing the heavens for the unfair hand dealt their loved one.
"The day before Russ died," Judith recalled, "he took my hand and said to me, 'At my funeral, I don't want people to wear bright colors and smile and laugh fondly at the wonderful memories of the precious time we spent together on Earth. Tell them to wear black and cover their faces with ash. Tell them to weep bitter tears and rail angrily against the cruel God who took me at so young an age. Do this for me, my beloved.'"
Added Judith: "He also told me not to move on from this tragedy by one day finding love in the arms of another. He said he couldn't bear the thought of me with someone else, and that the best way I could honor his memory was by never building a new life for myself."
"They say it is in times of great trial that a man's true colors show," said Russ' best friend, Larry Ahrens, summing up the feelings of those who knew the man. "And in Russ' case, he had a yellow streak a mile wide."
