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Favorite 'Adult' Jokes

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beezey
Posts: 9027 - Karma: 427
Insert your own


Why did god give women yeast infections?


So they'd know what its like to live with an irritated cunt.





:] go
Jul 19 2012 1:06PM
15 0
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PASKIINGSUCKS
Posts: 9097 - Karma: 777
A man is out on the water in the morning of the last day of his fishing trip. Suddenly his phone rings and it's the hospital. The doctor informs him his wife was in a terrible car accident and is in really bad shape. The man hangs up and ponders for a while. Of course he should rush to her side, BUT it is his last day to fish, AND the fishing is incredible this particular morning. So he makes the grim decision to continue fishing and get to the hospital as soon as he can.

Round about dusk the man returns to town and wanders into the hospital and is greeted by a very irate doctor. "Well I hope you're happy with yourself, how the hell do you continue to fish while your wife lays in pain barely clinging to life??? She's fracture her back in three places and will never be able to use her hands and legs again. You're going to have to feed and bath and dress and shave and cook for her for the rest of her days. She'll always resent you because she knows fishing is more important to you than her." Upon hearing this terrible news the man breaks down in tears and starts crying and apologizing to the doctor for his terrible decision. After a long bout of tears and sobbing the man asks the doctor to see his wife. To which the doctor replies, "I'm just fucking with ya man, she's dead, what did ya catch??"
Jul 19 2012 1:50PM
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Laurent.
Posts: 10056 - Karma: 25,313
Since my Dutch jokes don't translate well and will get my banned for being incredibly offensive, let's bring out a classic one:

Click for larger image
Jul 19 2012 1:52PM
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Forcillo
Posts: 3801 - Karma: 3,580
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
Jul 19 2012 1:53PM
5 1
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eldridge
Posts: 2272 - Karma: 47
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks him why the long face? The horse does not answer because it is a horse and lacks the basic brain capacity to understand or speak English, instead it is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables and chairs.
Jul 19 2012 1:53PM
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baethoven
Posts: 4953 - Karma: 332
LOL
Jul 19 2012 1:54PM
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Anathema
Posts: 21048 - Karma: 5,061
newlywed game

(if you're not familiar with this game show, it's about asking a partner a question then later asking the other partner the same question to see if they come up with the same answer)


host: where did your wife say you had your most unusual "whoopie session"?

husband: in the sink

host: i'm sorry, your wife said "in the butt".


i lol every time. it's happened on radio shows and shit too. anytime "where did you do it?" comes up and someone responds with "in the butt", i lose it.
Jul 19 2012 1:58PM
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Spinoza
Posts: 12763 - Karma: 3,846
inb4 I get myself banned and in after I decide not to post my joke
Jul 19 2012 2:00PM
2 1
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Dlud
Posts: 938 - Karma: 544
threadzzz
Jul 19 2012 2:07PM
1 0
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elemeno89
Posts: 1582 - Karma: 79


hmmm..
Jul 19 2012 2:17PM
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Lick
Posts: 1927 - Karma: 518
How can you make a little boy cry twice?

Rub your bloody dick on his teddy bear.



That^ one's so bad. ahha my 30 yr old BOSS told me it... I'm 16!
Jul 19 2012 2:17PM
3 3
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Gypsy_Skier
Posts: 2666 - Karma: 5,237
lost
Jul 19 2012 2:17PM
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Backyard.Skier
Posts: 5397 - Karma: 1,497
Vagina.
Jul 19 2012 3:37PM
3 0
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Mr.Sloth
Posts: 5091 - Karma: 13,469
HAHA ha heh heh
Jul 19 2012 3:40PM
1 0
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MFM
Posts: 842 - Karma: 77
POO POO
Jul 19 2012 3:47PM
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2_fadez
Posts: 7780 - Karma: 4,183
i lold
Jul 19 2012 3:50PM
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Blurst
Posts: 13577 - Karma: 10,169
Why does Noddy wear a hat with a bell on it?

because hes a cunt!




If anyone can tell me what movie thats from they get some good e points.
Jul 19 2012 3:52PM
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Laurent.
Posts: 10056 - Karma: 25,313
Cemetery Junction.
Jul 19 2012 3:54PM
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ski4fun420
Posts: 902 - Karma: 842
Click for larger image
Jul 19 2012 4:51PM
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Gypsy_Skier
Posts: 2666 - Karma: 5,237
pls explain...
Jul 19 2012 4:57PM
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cubber
Posts: 1933 - Karma: 638
Why was Peter Pan mad? Someone hit his Peter with a pan! Click for larger image
Jul 19 2012 5:05PM
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troupe
Posts: 549 - Karma: 4,625
i just read that article today! the cyborg professor seems like such an asshole.
Jul 19 2012 5:10PM
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ski4fun420
Posts: 902 - Karma: 842
http://news.yahoo.com/mcdonalds-digital-specs-prompt-privacy-fears-143001375.html
Jul 19 2012 5:11PM
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Mr.Sloth
Posts: 5091 - Karma: 13,469
HAAAAAAAAAAAA
Jul 19 2012 6:09PM
1 0
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Aiden-P
Posts: 1310 - Karma: 38
first page /claim
Jul 19 2012 6:12PM
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ryano
Posts: 4465 - Karma: 1,535
how do you get four gay guys to sit on one bar stool??


flip it upside down
Jul 19 2012 6:15PM
8 1
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Sno.
Posts: 12155 - Karma: 6,152

This is a good one for apple cup.

WSU and the UW had tied in every sporting event of the year.  In order to determine a winner they decided on a weekend of various field games in Eastern Washington.  They did horse shoes, sack races, water balloon tosses-- but everything ended in a tie.

It all came down to the final contest. Each school was told to come up with a poem, that used the word timbuktu.

The UW was ecstatic.  Known as the more intellectual of the two schools they figured they had it in the bag.  After a short huddle, one of the schools top scholars stepped forward and spoke:

Over the ocean waves we sailed

across the sea of blue

until we landed on the sandy shores

of the glorious Timbuktu

Everyone cheered and went wild. Surely WSU could not top this in such a short amount of preparation time. So WSU began...

Tim and I a camping we went

we got 3 UW bitches in our tent

Since they were 3, and we were two

I bucked one and Timbuktu.

Jul 19 2012 6:19PM
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JzD.
Posts: 1615 - Karma: 153
Why are women like tornadoes?

They both moan like hell when they come and take the house down when they leave
Jul 19 2012 6:19PM
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Fun_dip
Posts: 2623 - Karma: 913
What did the Elephant say to the naked man?
...How do you breath through that little thing
Jul 19 2012 6:21PM
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NSwidow
Posts: 888 - Karma: 3,222
One day this lady became very concerned as her vagina had become bright orange. She decided to go to the doctors and have it checked out.
Lady: "Doctor, my vagina has turned bright orange!"
Doctor: "Well let me have a look. Hmm...yes! It's is bright orange! Have you been doing anything differently?"
Lady: "Nope, just watching porn and eating cheezles."


Also, have i ever regaled NS on the story of how i lost my virginity?
It was with a handicapped guy coz i wanted it to be special.
Jul 19 2012 6:22PM
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K-Dot.
Posts: 3738 - Karma: 7,678
I'll take a seat here..
Click for larger image
Jul 19 2012 9:05PM
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Squeenerd
Posts: 731 - Karma: 186
3 cowboys are sitting around a fire, bragging about how tough they are. The first begins by saying how he took down an entire pack of wolves with a stick and a few pebbles. The second cowboy one-ups him, claiming he took down an angry she bear with his bare hands. After his tale, they both looked over at the third cowboy. He said nothing, and continued stoking the fire with his penis.
Jul 19 2012 9:09PM
6 0
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albinoboy
Posts: 372 - Karma: 2,102
It’s jimmys senior year and on prom nigh he sets out to loose his virginity with his girlfriend. The only problem is he shares a room and bunkwith his 5 yr old bro. So when they sneak in his room jimmy says.

“We have to be careful. Say lettuce for harder and tomato for a position change.”

So they’re going at lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, tomato. Until sudenly the brother wakes up and says

“Will you two stop making sandwiches! Your getting mayonnaise all over me!”


BUMP
Mar 13 2018 11:27PM
3 1
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iFlip
Posts: 4543 - Karma: 19,132
What do women and condoms have in common?

They both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Mar 14 2018 2:17PM
18 0
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theabortionator
Posts: 51589 - Karma: 161,717
THE-Albino*It’s jimmys senior year and on prom nigh he sets out to loose his virginity with his girlfriend. The only problem is he shares a room and bunkwith his 5 yr old bro. So when they sneak in his room jimmy says.

“We have to be careful. Say lettuce for harder and tomato for a position change.”

So they’re going at lettuce, tomato, lettuce, lettuce, tomato. Until sudenly the brother wakes up and says

“Will you two stop making sandwiches! Your getting mayonnaise all over me!”


BUMP


Is adult jokes code for jokes you heard of told when you were 10?
Mar 14 2018 2:55PM
9 0
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JASTEW206
Posts: 568 - Karma: 117
I go to Newschoolers.com during the week.
Mar 19 2018 1:11AM
4 0
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DirtYStylE
Posts: 3652 - Karma: 8,888
theabortionatorIs adult jokes code for jokes you heard of told when you were 10?


Grandpa, get ur shotgun! Theres a snake in the bush!
Mar 19 2018 5:14PM
1 0
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1776
Posts: 728 - Karma: 2,314
Mar 19 2018 8:37PM
7 1
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freestyler540
Posts: 13082 - Karma: 18,715
A group of dogs are at the Vet and socializing about their procedures.
The first dog says he bit a kid and now he is going to be put down. All the other dogs look in horror.
The second dog says he humped a kids face and now going to get neutered. The other dogs cringe.
The third dog claims he humped his owner leg.
"Whats so bad about that? are you going to get neutered too?" The second dog asks
"Oh me? Im getting my nails trimmed" answered the third dog.
Mar 19 2018 11:15PM
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J_Steez
Posts: 1159 - Karma: 4,165
How do you circumcise a redneck?


Knee his sister in the jaw
Mar 20 2018 12:22PM
8 0
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JakeDalBon
Posts: 191 - Karma: 331
mom gay
Mar 20 2018 9:44PM
0 4
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1776
Posts: 728 - Karma: 2,314
J_SteezHow do you circumcise a redneck?


Knee his sister in the jaw

His sisters mouth is also fucked up cause of all that dip
Mar 21 2018 10:06PM
1 0
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unsteezedmachine
Posts: 44 - Karma: 268
How many black people does it take to start a riot?

-3/5

Because in 1787 it was decided slaves counted as 3/5 as a vote, and if one person dies from the police there can be a protest
Mar 26 2018 12:46AM
0 7
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profa_212
Posts: 8879 - Karma: 35,677
unsteezedmachineHow many black people does it take to start a riot?

-3/5

Because in 1787 it was decided slaves counted as 3/5 as a vote, and if one person dies from the police there can be a protest


Was this supposed to be funny?
Mar 27 2018 12:29AM
4 1
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Dustin.
Posts: 13839 - Karma: 7,704
What's the best part of an Ethiopian blowjob?

You KNOW she'll swallow.
Mar 28 2018 2:09AM
8 0
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sidehustlehoe
Posts: 12 - Karma: 91
A deer walks out of a bar and says “damn, I can’t believe I just blew 50 bucks”
Mar 28 2018 8:25PM
5 0
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abaxter
Posts: 89 - Karma: 358
A man walks into a bar and ask for a rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple instead. He man is confused but when he takes a bite it tastes exactly like rum, then the bartender tells him to take a bite from the other side and it tastes like coke. Then the man ask for a gin and tonic and the same thing happens an apple half gin and half tonic.
Then the man asks for an apple that tastes like pussy. The bartender says ok and when he takes a bite he says what the hell this tastes like ass, then the bartender says yeah but try the other side.
Mar 29 2018 8:05AM
4 0
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invis_orange
Posts: 22 - Karma: 28
What's the best thing about sex with 29 year olds?
there is 20 of them.


inb4 i went too far.
Mar 30 2018 8:07PM
4 1
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profa_212
Posts: 8879 - Karma: 35,677
SpoonBlamesWhat's the best thing about sex with 29 year olds?
there is 20 of them.


inb4 i went too far.

Sig appropriate
Mar 30 2018 11:47PM
0 0
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ronders_
Posts: 568 - Karma: 2,325
How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?




Well obviously not 5, because my basement is still dark...
Apr 1 2018 6:26PM
2 0
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Jihaddist_jibber
Posts: 81 - Karma: 514
J_SteezHow do you circumcise a redneck?


Knee his sister in the jaw



What do you call a cheap circumcision?



A ripoff
Apr 1 2018 6:54PM
1 0
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