This weekend, as with most weekends, I ended up at West Virginia University to visit my friends, and get my drink on.
So around 9 p.m., my two friends and I are walking behind the student union building when this man approaches us and says, 'I'd like talk to you about your friend, Jeffrey.' My friend Jason said, 'Sure, but why?' The man pulls out his F.B.I. badge and we decide he means business. F-FUCKING-B-I. So, he takes us three into a conference room in the student union building where there are 3 other F.B.I. homeys waiting for us. At this point, I decide this isn't some joke, and someone isn't 'punking' us. They start straight up, by saying, 'We have information that your friend Jeff has been making and distributing fake I.D's.' We all put on our best shocked face and said we had no idea! They proceeded to tell us what we already knew, that he's a sloppy and VERY stupid person. After he decided that everyone would like him more if he started making fake I.D.'s, he actually followed through on what he said he was going to do. He starting talking to this person online that he didnt know about all of this stuff. He CALLED on the PHONE to order holograms that have the outline of the state of Virginia, and used HIS credit card in HIS name to order all of this. Then, he has ones that he's made in his desk drawer, directly under the laminator chilling on his desk. They've had his cell phone bugged for a month and his internet tapped also. They were going to raid him that weekend, but he was in Pittsburgh. So they're raiding today, and he faces a 10 year jail sentence and a hefty fine. I hate to be a party pooper, but man, he deserves this. Anyone who is so idiotic as he is can't honestly expect to get away with this.
Next, we went to this party where there was supposed to be mud wrestling, but instead found pudding wrestling. The crowd of about 400 was chanting, 'amy! amy!' and i thought, 'hey, one of my best friends down here...her name is amy.' I look up, and sure enough, there's my best bud, Amy, getting down and dirty in the pudding, taking on three fat chicks. I ran up to the front and was yelling at her, and she didnt know I was down at WVU, so she was yelling to. After about 15 minutes of yelling over all the drunks, I decided to join her. What a reunion. We owned the fat chicks, and got $200 for winning. The only shitty part was the 400 drunk people. As soon as the whistle blew to start, everyone chucked their beer cans and beer cups down toward us, but I like to think it was directed toward the barely clothes fat chicks. Then we went to this other party, and I saw this guy who tried to hook up with me last year, and we used to party at his house. He stops, and is like, 'whoa, I know you.' I was like, 'Hey joe.' And for the next half hour, he kept yelling, 'I know your name! I fucking know your name!' Which is code for, 'I'm trying to get laid! REALLY trying!' He finally got it. The next half hour he spent not leaving me alone and asking, 'what have you done different from last year. you're so much hotter.' Ok, my hair got longer, I'm pretty sure that's it. Then the next half hour he spent trying to make me go somewhere with him. I had it, I couldnt be nice anymore. So, I punched him in the jaw, and we left and went to about 5 more parties, owned everyone at 10 cup beer pong, took a drunken stroll through the McDonald's drive thru, and ended back home around 4 a.m. and having the best conversation ever: A one hour debate on who has the best dollar menu. Great night.
Ski the Springs, Rock the Hut
