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So I write music...

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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
inb4 wannabe rapper, cause I'm not
I write music. I've written two songs now. They're modeled after the works of Dylan Owen and The Blue Scholars.  I want to get NS's advice on them. I know you guys are gonna be dicks to me and shoot me down. But these are all, 100% written by me and based off of life experiences I've had. I'd like you guys to tell me things you liked, things I could do better.
Thanks guys.
(I don't name my songs)

My first song.

We can't let our memories define us
Well understand this strange force inside us
We need to let it provide for us and
We need to let it remind us
If we take his pain inside us we can
Decorate our bodies with is then we will find it
That hidden answer that we all need
So take a sec and just breathe

And when you realize what it is inside you
Then you'll realize that it's me too
That we both sleep on the same kind of suffering
Yeah I can see those dreams suspended there
Hovering, not fully alive but I feel them buffering
And I know that our thoughts of happiness are rare
Every so often sending out a small prayer
But in due time it'll resonate within you
And with this resonation shall you see how I fare
So hold fast tho these thoughts, sweetheart I'll be right there

We can't let our memories define us
Well understand this strange force inside us
We need to let it provide for us and
We need to let it remind us
If we take his pain inside us we can
Decorate our bodies with is then we will find it
That hidden answer that we all need
So take a sec and just breathe


My second song

We're going far
And nobody knows it yet
Place and time near future bro well be set
And even though I haven't met you yet
Were going far
You and me laying down duets
And slaying lyrics with these rhythmic couplets
No regrets
Because we're going far

You'll see it etched into his skin
A tireless heart that won't stop till he wins
He's going far
And if you look can you see his scars?
Sitting out at night he wished on a star
Never a moment she escaped his mind
He only ponders her change in heart
And what made him loose his precious find
She was divine
But it don't matter because...

We're going far
And nobody knows it yet
You and me bro together well be set
Even though I haven't met you yet
We're going far
You and me laying down duetsÂ
And spittin' fire with there rhythmic couplets
No regrets
Because we're going far

Understand my lyrics come from the heart
But these feelings just bring pain I wish they'd part
I'm going far
Coasting on the minimal I've screwed up a few things
You got my life On track your just like a king
Your words healed mr and now I feel new
I felt at home nestled right under your wing
My self esteem grew nice an tall like Yao Ming
You've pulled me through life's unpredictable slews
Identity still unclear, who am I to you
Id be down for anything because...

We're going far
And nobody knows it yet
Place and time near future bro well be set
And even though I haven't met you yet
Were going far
You and me laying down duets
And slaying lyrics with these rhythmic couplets
No regrets
Because we're going far

We're going far
And nobody knows it yet
Place and time near future bro well be set
And even though I haven't met you yet
Were going far
You and me laying down duets
And slaying lyrics with these rhythmic couplets
No regrets
Because we're going far


This is my third song I'm writing. I only have this one verse. It's more hip-hoppish.. This is probably the best stuff I have.

As I scribble down these lyrics in a white marble notebook
I drift above the clouds as I give life a new outlook
Try to make these words catalyze some sort of change
So i hypothesize, visualize and revolutionize
Out industrialized world in a small part of my brain
It's insane, how far your willpower can push you
Shits like jet fuel hopped up on hubris and cocaine
And if you think I'm crazy you couldn't be more wrong
It makes you do work like the long march of Mao Zedong
When I press my pen to the paper lyrics ignite on the page
Only 15 years of age but my mind is a lot older
I see the way the world ticks, somewhat like a clock smith
So I pick my words carefully and craft them into art
These lyrics hit home with the precision of a dart
I spit that fire from my chest somewhat like Vesuvius
I'll lay the first verse to rest, rip the chorus apart next


Thanks for reading it guys, I know it was a lot.

-Kielan
Jun 19 2012 7:42PM
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Stickity
Posts: 7750 - Karma: 769
you don't write music, you write poetry.
Jun 19 2012 7:43PM
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NotGhood
Posts: 2809 - Karma: 1,255
threads for when i have time to read
Jun 19 2012 7:43PM
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RoofDaRoofieDogg
Posts: 3090 - Karma: 1,989
But in all seriousness, I will read it, seeing as I also write songs.
Jun 19 2012 7:44PM
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gotti
Posts: 4269 - Karma: 4,550
Click for larger image
Jun 19 2012 7:44PM
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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
Music is poetry to a beat, champ.
Jun 19 2012 7:45PM
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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
Music is poetry to a beat, champ.
Jun 19 2012 7:45PM
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Caspaaa
Posts: 4830 - Karma: 1,466
Get me in thisssss broo




When he was just a little kid,
he used to dream a little bit.
You could hear it in his voice, and the way that he spoke;
feel it in his heart, overfilled with hope.
She saw it in his eyes, in the way he used to stare.
He promised that he'd take her there.

As the boy walked along the shallow shore
He dreamed of days like they were before
A troubled conscience, he cast his worries to the sea
Or let them fly over the country, carried in the summer breeze
A year would pass on the lonely beach
and his dreams seemed so far out of reach
With the loss of ninety miles heavy on his chest
Slowly slipping under all the rest

She was all that he had left.
He was all that she had left.

When he was just a little kid,
he used to dream just a little bit;
of stolen hopes and broken homes
as he walked along those sandy stones.
Lips shaking in the frozen air,
he promised that he'd take her there.
Far away from fear and pain,
miles from the coming rain,
hidden from the hurt she once had felt,
hidden from.. the hurt she felt.

When he was just a little kid,
he used to dream quite a bit;
of a girl in the sand, the breeze through her hair,
he promised her he'd take her there.

Now the storms have passed, and the sea is calm.
He sits on the beach, with a picture in his palm.
He clings to the memories as if they'll save her life;
five years later he grips the recollection of that night.

Tears streak his face as he stands up to leave,
and with a saddening composure, he drops his heart into the sea.
He knew that she had never cared,
but he had promised her he'd take her there.
Jun 19 2012 8:05PM
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GayWolf420
Posts: 37390 - Karma: 120,126
Look, if you had, one shot
Or one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it, or just let it slip?

[Verse 1]
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already: mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth but the words won't come out
He's choking, how? Everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up, over - blaow!
Snap back to reality, oh! - there goes gravity
Oh - there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't
Give up that easy nope, he won't have it
He knows, his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant, he knows
When he goes back to this mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again, yo, this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

[Hook]
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You want it, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

[Verse 2]
The soul's escaping through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a New World Order
A normal life is boring; but superstardom's
Close to post-mortem, it only grows harder
Homie grows hotter, he blows it's all over
These hoes is all on him, coast to coast shows
He's known as the Globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cause here goes the cold water
These hoes don't want him no mo', he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose-dove and sold nada. And so the soap opera
Is told, it unfolds, I suppose it's old, partner
But the beat goes on: da-da-dum da-dum da-dah

[Hook]

[Verse 3]
No more games, I'mma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfuckin' roof off like two dogs caged
I was playin' in the beginning, the mood all changed
I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepped right in the next cipher
Best believe somebody's paying the Pied Piper
All the pain inside amplified by the
Fact that I can't get by with my nine to
Five and I can't provide the right type of
Life for my family, cause man, these God damn
Food stamps don't buy diapers, and there's no movie
There's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard, and it's getting even harder
Tryin' to feed and water my seed plus, teeter-totter
Caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby momma drama, screaming on her too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail I've got
To formulate a plot, or end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfuckin' option, failure's not
Mom I love you but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's Lot
So here I go it's my shot. Feet: fail me not
This may be the only opportunity that I got

[Hook]

[Outro]
You can do anything you set your mind to, man
Jun 19 2012 8:08PM
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CheddarJack
Posts: 5203 - Karma: 7,380
Hey that's not a bad thing. I don't hear a beat I have to agree that you write poetry. Learn to play the guitar or somethin, then make it into a song, that'd be cool
Jun 19 2012 8:10PM
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Caspaaa
Posts: 4830 - Karma: 1,466
^^^ dude that was really good, did you write that?

i feel like i've heard it somewhere
Jun 19 2012 8:10PM
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Parks.
Posts: 5612 - Karma: 1,093
Took me a while to see the tag. Didn't get it at 1st haha
Jun 19 2012 8:16PM
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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
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You are a lyrical wizard.
Jun 19 2012 8:17PM
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douchebagmdgee
Posts: 300 - Karma: 26
you clever bastard
Jun 19 2012 8:44PM
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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
Bump for more feedback please
Jun 19 2012 10:11PM
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DayMan
Posts: 4704 - Karma: 8,748
I feel like we would be able to judge it a lot better if we knew what kind of music would be behind it. Guitar? Piano? I can't really imagine how it's gonna sound.
Jun 19 2012 10:17PM
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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
Hip hop.. Listen to the song "Inkwell" by Blue Scholars.. It's my main song I try to sculpt my stuff around
Jun 19 2012 10:22PM
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sir_drums_a_lot
Posts: 335 - Karma: 14

...

Need a drummer?

Jun 19 2012 11:36PM
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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
Come on NS... I need your feedback
Jun 20 2012 12:36AM
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E__
Posts: 5751 - Karma: 4,635
I can dig it. Record it and then you will get more feedback.
Jun 20 2012 7:02AM
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Dragonite.
Posts: 1657 - Karma: 431
I have no music to record it to, and I have a dumb teenage cracky voice, but I can try to record them on audacity or something. I'll let you guys know. Thanks for the idea
Jun 20 2012 8:32AM
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Forcillo
Posts: 3801 - Karma: 3,580
Garageband!
Jun 20 2012 12:28PM
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thebeesknees
Posts: 3660 - Karma: 160
nah, audacity is an actual good program unlike garageband which is only good to a point.

I like the lyrics, it would be sick to see this recorded over something.
Jun 20 2012 3:01PM
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taylornicky
Posts: 2889 - Karma: 2,579
I. Am. Dying. YOU WIN hahahha +k
Jul 6 2012 1:09AM
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theabortionator
Posts: 51644 - Karma: 162,252
not going to read. Good luck though
Jul 6 2012 1:13AM
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Darth.Maul
Posts: 2472 - Karma: 652
Alright I'll post my latest song that I'm working on

Its called Too Late

Verse:
I cannot hide these careless thoughts
I cannot hide the truth
I put too much trust in you

I could see it in your eyes
As the days were passing by
That your innocence was through

Chorus:
Is it too late to see this life I lead
is for someone else that you can't be
Right now, its time
Ive dealt with you/this for long enough
I think its time we/I pull the plug
Right now, good bye

Thats all I got so far. I have part of another verse that goes:

Its time we set the story straight
Was this real or was it just my fate?
To be torn apart by you.

I like it but it seems more like an ending to the song so im gonna put it in the last verse or even as a half verse followed by the outro chorus.

Anyways tell me what you guys think! I'm open to feedback and criticism!
Jul 6 2012 1:48AM
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Darth.Maul
Posts: 2472 - Karma: 652
I have a nice clean guitar finger picked part that goes over an E minor for the verse followed by a moderately distorted chorus with a lead guitar doing drop D guitar lick that gives some depth as well as some heaviness to the song.
Jul 6 2012 1:54AM
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beezey
Posts: 9027 - Karma: 427
Don't use the same word so much I saw like 4 repetative words in the first 7 lines or so and couldn't read the rest. use rhyming dictionaries to use variable words
Jul 6 2012 1:58AM
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DERS.
Posts: 6299 - Karma: 1,293
pft. beezey you clearly dont know shit about music..

in the words of wiz khalifa.

"Diamonds all on my brain, nigga
Gold watches, gold chain, nigga
Hundred thou’ on champagne, nigga
Yeah, my money insane, nigga
Yeah, I’m making it rain, nigga
When I was just on a plane, nigga
...
I got so much money I should start a bank
...
And they rolling up so, ugh"

good thing nigga rhymes with nigga.
Jul 6 2012 2:01AM
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Olimar
Posts: 3535 - Karma: 4,076
yo LIKE WHAY DAY IS IT.
Jul 6 2012 2:07AM
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taylornicky
Posts: 2889 - Karma: 2,579
*slowly claps* best song lyrics I've ever seen in my whole life.
Jul 6 2012 2:10AM
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