I did not get along very well with my neighbours in Australia and
seventeen thousand miles away, little has changed. The fat redheaded
family to our right have a fat redheaded dog that enjoys standing in our
driveway and barking at 2am, the old couple to our left have never been
seen unless you count glancing towards their house and seeing their
blinds close quickly, and Justin across the road recently installed a
spotlight on his front porch facing directly towards our bedroom window.
As we are moving in a few weeks to larger premises with less
neighbours, the last night we are here I intend to shoot the fat
redheaded dog with a paint-ball gun, moon the old couple, and steal
everything in Justin's front yard that isn't bolted down because that is
pretty much standard operating procedure in Australia.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 6.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Lamp
I received your note but you cant go onto other peoples
property and take things, that's trespassing. Massanutten is a wooded
area and I installed that light for security. It's a safety issue. I
can't help it if some of the light goes across the road, close your
curtains if it bothers you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 6 May 2012 7.41pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Lamp
Hello Justin,
Thank you for your email. While I accept
that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance
they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting.
Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a
book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.
Though unconvinced that blinding local
fauna is the best solution, I do understand the heightened need for
security living in a wooded area such as the gated community of
Massanutten demands. Having formerly lived my entire life in Australia, I
am unfamiliar with much of the local wildlife but I did see my first
raccoon last week. I stepped outside to have a cigarette and the
raccoon, sitting less than five feet away beside an up-ended bin eating
the remains of a Domino's Artisan Tuscan Salami pizza, hissed at me.
Surprised, I threw myself backwards, rolled several times toward the
door, and sprang to my feet holding the welcome-mat above my head to
appear taller. Sometime during the roll-spring-mat maneuver, probably
during the roll part as it was over gravel and I was wearing shorts and a
thin t-shirt so I had to take it slow, the raccoon left. Which probably
isn’t as exciting a story as it should be but this isn't Borneo and I’m
not Jack London.
I did see a snake the other day though. I
picked up a stick to poke it with which also turned out to be a snake.
Jumping back in panic, I threw it away from me, but our dog thought I
was playing fetch and I had to run and jump over a creek to get away.
As such, this weekend I intend to set up
a canister of poisonous gas in my yard with an industrial fan behind
it. I can't help it if some of the gas goes across the road.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 2.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Lamp
Is that meant to be a threat? Put something up in your window if
you don't like the light, we lived here 5 years before you even moved
into the neighborhood and got along perfectly with Ryan who lived at
your property before you. We went to his BBQ's and I loaned him our
mower. We get along with all our neighbors. I dont know what you people
do in your own country but in this country we dont go onto other peoples
property and touch their stuff.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 7 May 2012 3.37pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
Dear Justin,
In my country, terawatt globes are
reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous
shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature
there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language
is screaming.
I'm not surprised you get along well
with all the other neighbours. If you put fifty children with Down's
syndrome in a room there is going to be a lot of hugging.
And no, it was not a threat. It was an
exaggerated response to an uncompromising stance. I was taught never to
make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out and I am not a fan
of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes
me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to
help.
I did consider installing a floodlight
as bright as yours, but this would require some form of carrying things,
electrical wiring knowledge, and access to a power supply capable of
producing that amount of wattage. Probably fusion. As I am told off by
my partner for wasting money when I leave the light on in the bathroom
overnight, I can only speculate to what her reaction would be to an
electricity bill eight times our annual income for retaliatory garden
lighting. She would probably have to get a third job.
It would be much cheaper to stand in my driveway and throw rocks. I
can't help it if some of the rocks go across the road. You should
probably put something up in your window.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.01am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
Did you take our lamp again asshole? What part about not being allowed to go on our property don't you get?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 10.32am
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
Dear Justin,
No, I did not take the light again. I
relocated it again. Its current location may be discovered by
deciphering the following set of clues to its whereabouts. Perhaps you
could invite your friend Ryan over and treat it as a kind of treasure
hunt:
1. It's in the letterbox again.
2. Look in the letterbox.
As I realise this probably won't narrow it down much for you, I will give you a third clue in the form of a riddle:
What burns with the light of a thousand suns and is in the letterbox?
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 11.15am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
I put a smaller lamp in so you can shut the fuck up now. Don't
email me again and if you ever trespass on our property again I will
press charges.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 2012 12.02pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
Dear Justin,
What if I have a barbecue and need to send you an invitation? Is it ok to email you then?
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.18pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
No it's not ok.
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 12.27pm
To: Justin Flecker
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
Dear Justin,
What if I need to borrow your lawn-mower? I can't invite people over
for a barbecue and expect them to stand in long grass. Someone might be
bitten by a snake. It's a safety issue.
Regards, David.
From: Justin Flecker
Date: Tuesday 8 May 2012 3.26pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Lamp
Fuck off back to Austria.
