Replying to Swearing Consultants

Dear NSG,

I am currently writing a couple of entries for a charity cook book which requires some offensive language.  I couldn't think of a better place to find a few swearologists than NSG.  My recipe is already pretty colourful, but definitely needs more so if you've got a spare 5 mins and the mind of prostitute please help me out!

inb4 tl;dr etc etc

 Beef Yamamoto - What we’d be eating every Sunday night if Japan had won the war.  Serves 4.

Ingredients

Beef fillet – 1kg.  The good stuff.  None of that cheap shit from woolies.  Hopkins River if you can.  Somewhere that gives a shit about the environment.
Wasabi – to taste.  I would recommend 4 to 5 of those sachets you can swipe from sushi joints.  Use the money you save to buy better beef. (If you have the palette of an 8 year old girl you can use a wasabi based mayonaisse or mustard or some shit like that but nothing says I’m the fucking man quite like a big fuck off spicy beef dish.)
Puff Pastry – 500g.  If you’re not a lazy cunt like me make your own.  Otherwise, store bought is fine.
 
Duxelle:
Assorted Mushrooms – 500g.  Shiitake, Maitake, Matsutake… they’re all good.  Get fresh if you can, otherwise rehydrate the bastards.  If you’re feeling bat shit crazy, chuck in some psilocybins.  If you make it to the other side without seeing the devil, you’re not trying hard enough.
Thyme – one bunch, about as big as your cock.  If you don’t have a cock, about as big as you’d like one to be.
Butter – 50g
 
Crepe:
Plain Flour – 2 cups.
Milk – 2 cups.  Cows milk if you’re boring.
Eggs – 3. Decent sized, free range, cage free etc.  This is fucking important.
Butter – 1 tablespoon, melted.
Whisky – 1 tablespoon (you will probably need the rest of the bottle though). I strongly recommend Suntory.  If it’s good enough for Bill Fucking Murray it’s good enough for you.

 
Method

Duxelle:
Finely chop the mushrooms and thyme and place in a pan with a knob of butter.  Let them sweat like a blind lesbian at a fish market until they’re as dry as a Nun’s nasty.  Season to taste and allow to cool.

Crepe:
Combine ingredients in a large bowl until smooth like a 10 year old, adding the butter and whisky last.
Allow the batter to rest for an hour.  I’m sure you can think of something to do for an hour.
Cook batter over medium heat in a well lubed pan (I use butter, but I’m not here to judge) ensuring the crepe is impossibly thin and evenly cooked.
Repeat step 3 until you have enough crepe to cover your beef.  Then make some more because I guarantee your piece of beef fillet is bigger than whatever you’re packing.
 
Beef Yamamoto:
Seal your beef in a hot pan until golden brown.  Season and allow to cool.
Smear the wasabi all over your beef.  Don’t be shy.  Get it all up in there.  Really smother that bitch.
Wrap your wasabi soaked beef in crepe.  Make sure it’s nice and tight. Like a fucking tiger.
Roll out your pastry and trim to size.
Spread your magical duxelle over your pastry and place your beef on top.
Wrap tightly, ensuring an even layer of duxelle exists between your crepe and your pastry all the way round.
Place on a baking tray making sure any pastry joins are on the underside.
Egg wash the pastry and cut some nice gashes into the top of the pastry.
Bake at 180 Celsius for about forty fucking minutes or until pastry is golden.