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I like your word chioce of dreadlocked wookie bitch and stench of death coming from her ham wallet
Not really a story about me but this is fucking hilarious and I'm just copying it from my other post. Make it to the end and you deserve a fucking award:
Oh do I have a good one. Picture this: It's an average Wednesday around mid May in my least favorite class Geometry. I go to school where every student has a laptop (this will be important) and the majority of the time when people are bored in class they play games. So being an average day I'm playing a little bit of Jibbin when suddenly the girl next to me named Jessica's all like OMG this is so fucked up Nick. Wondering what the hell she was talking about I proceeded to ask her what was so fucked up. Seeing as we all have school emails she proceeds to write one down with password and hands it to me. Before I have a chance to ask what it is the bell rings and everyone begins to pack up. We have a retarded ass schedule with 2 minute passing periods which means no time to do anything so she gets up and while she is halfway out the door she turns around and only has to time to say one thing: February 23rd. Deeply confused I continued to my next class. On the way I kept wondering what could these emails be and at first I thought maybe there threats our something seeing as last year the scrawny ass asian kid named Mark got expelled for posting pictures on Facebook on himself wielding a toy AK47 digitally altered so that he was appearing in our schools foyer. Enter Church History aka the biggest fuck off class known to man where the teacher doesnt give a shit what you do. Luckily for me this week we were doing presentations of our powerpoint projects so I had even extra fuckoff time. Using this to my advantage I took the time to read the emails. I started at the beginning of the emails to the then unknown Freshman girl who most people knew as the geeky girl who hung out with the nerdy kids and was best friends with Tabby who was the subject of the previous years "School Story" which was of her being eaten out on webcam while her boyfriend that got expelled this year for threats and a fight while Jessica the (girl who gave me the email address) had received texts from which were used as evidence of this all resulting in her getting a discplinary record,suspended and placed on academic probation. * Side not I only included that part to tell some other stories that were less fucked up. Like any good book the first few emails started pretty slow and unmoving but set up the general story about what would soon happen on the fabled February 23rd. Basically its the beginning of a relationship with a senior who well call Loserfagdouchebag or if you must know names Mike. Mike is your typical faggot best described by the funniest kid in school Armani as that one senior whos such a faggot that he feels the need to pick on freshman knowing that they would not know his place in the social hierarchy of the school just to have someone in a sense fear/respect him. Of course Armani did a better job of making this story alot funnier but whatever I'm not a comedian I'm a skier. Heres some background: We affecionately referred to Mike as baconstrips for the incident during gym where while changing my buddy Sean noticed that his white briefs were covered in streak marks that resembled bacon strips. He also was probably the most religious student with pans of joining the seminary which makes this story fucked on so many levels. He did the morning prayer was president of bowling club (queer) and also was president of Key club which is my schools religous club. He also likes em young and even dated a 6th grader as a Junior. So all in all hes your typical priest. Back to the story. After about 20 minutes of reading the emails I was at about mid January and so far nothing to fucked up. I got bored and gave my laptop to Shane who is like Jessica's best friend and said hey read what Jessica showed me she especially sad to check out February 23rd. He went straight for the kill and read the coveted February 23rd. The expressions on his face changed to images of horror disgust and all over hate. At this I wanted to see what was so horrible but as usual I got fucked over by the bell system. Last thing Shane said = I'm gonna fucking kill Mike. 3 more periods without reading: first was lunch so why the fuck would I open my laptop then, next was World history which could have worked if it werent for the fact I was doing a presentation that day, and last was Spanish where my teacher is a bitch and doesnt allow laptops. Finally the moment of truth arrived 9th period study hall. Here I was reunited with my best friend Mikey Ujda aka snowboarding buddy and Jessica. When I arrived Jessica had a crowd around her and as I arrived to see what they were looking at to no surprise it was the emails. And it was February 23rd as I skimmed the first few lines I couldnt see what was so wrong about it and then I reached the one that sparked the 3 days of email conspiracy at my school.....well after we go dress shopping we can bang multiple times and in your ass too. At first glance this might seem fairly tame but keep in mind this is an 18 year old talking about sex with a 14 year old. Still to tame shure I woulkd say whoa I spent an hour righting this for that? really? well sorry no there is much much more. This is probably the one line I care to remember but this emaiil is looooooooooooooooooooong and not only that every email after this one IS THE SAME FUCKING SHIT!!!!btw thats double antandra because I know gay people that would be disturbed by the amount of anal these two were having. in all there were roughly 37 emails each getting progressively more graphic. Before study hall I had NO IDEA whatsoever this shit was in them but half the shit was quoteable as fuck and I spent the 45 minute study hall BARELY finishing 2 half because of the sheer length and half because I was laughing so hard I felt the urge to inform half of the kids in study hall to read this depraved ass shit. Some line of these email come to mind as I'm reading this like discussion of when Mike would receive head which was every Monday. Another instance of pure faggyness and people shouting with laughter over this fag was the when the convo went like this:
Lizzy Cavanaugh aka the Victim: Hey
Mike: poopsies
Mike: Did my jizz taste sweet to you last night?
Victim: Yeah why?
Mike: Because I had alot of fruit.
Me: WTF is wrong with these people. these emails are so quotable that they could be fucking printed on tshirts. Anyways.....I digress. I have one chill ass family and the second I got home I had to read more but first i needed to show them to my brother and mom. Needless to say laughter and good times ensued because yeah my mom is the fuckest chillest woman ever. By the end of the day every Freshman and Sophmore knew about this.
Enter Day 2:
Continuing in the form of yesterday I got to school extra early and proceeded to show every kid in sight these fucking disturbing emails. Many more laughs were shared and in the same fashion the day continued as so. Except this time with the added hilarity of whenever people saw them they would say shit like soooo Mike here you give good anal and Lizzie wanna go camping (in reference to one particular exchange of her saying we should fuck in a tent) and the like. Oh what a fun glorious day this was. Still it was a pretty sad image of seeing Lizzie running down the hall crying and I actuallly feel bad for her but Mike is a true blue fucking scumbag thats gonna diddle with little boys privates when he becomes a priest. At the end of the day the whole school knew.
Day 3: Same as day 2 except today is when the shit hit the fan and the Administration started cracking down on people like me. They took are laptops and questioned us like fugitives. Knowing this would happen from day one I enlisted the help of yet another Michael( yeah theres alot of em at my school) to transfer all of the emails onto his flash drive. I eventually got my computer back and was not punished at all. Mike and Lizzy however were expelled....JK WTF?!?!?! NOTHING AND I MEAN ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENED TO THEM!?!?!?!??! Ok Lizzie being left alone I can see but the last time I checked fucking a 14 year old at 18 is against the law in every place except mexice (yeah Mexico sucks we know). Well that pretty much wraps up my story and I am presently trying to reaqire the email from Michael to post em here but I doubt this will happen anytime soon. theres my long fucked up story.
