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KilaTsunami
October, 2024

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HELP!!! I think there are chemickals up my butt....

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The.Man
Posts: 212 - Karma: 249
Okay, a little background.

So we have this upstairs toilet. And for some reason, it gets this weird crackling in the paint, I don't even know what it is. It looks bad, like the paint is cracked, so we use this really intense toilet bowl cleaner to get it out.

So while I was sleeping this morning, my mom cleaned it with the chemickals. This shit has to sit for an hour to get them out, then you have to flush it before use. Really is some heavy stuff.

Anyway.

I woke up, still half asleep and went to take my morning poo. After the first release, I guess the bay doors were still open, and a lot, and I mean a LOT of water shot up the opening. Natural instinct is to close up, right? yeah.

Then the pain set in.

FIrst my asshole, then my rectum began burning with the intensity of a thousand suns. Feels like a fucking dragon is giving me a rimjob right now, I can't sit down on it. I'm lying on my side and typing this and IT FUCKING KILLS.

This was an hour or two ago, and the pain keeps getting worse. I had to use my cellphone to see if it was swollen, so I took a picture of me butthoal and it's really red and irritated.

I tried shooting more water up it with an ear cleaner thing but that didn't help at all. I'm afraid cause I think I have to shit again soon....

HELP
Oct 16 2011 11:04AM
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PopsicleStand
Posts: 6890 - Karma: 147
haha moms are the worst no mercy
Oct 17 2011 4:40PM
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Mr.Huck
Posts: 6096 - Karma: 14,896
Get well soon!

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Oct 17 2011 4:51PM
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84891jnf92048
Posts: 11552 - Karma: 2,550
you are going to ruin your children's lives.
Oct 17 2011 4:57PM
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feihlination
Posts: 8356 - Karma: 1,084
Oct 17 2011 5:11PM
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The.Man
Posts: 212 - Karma: 249
So mom just came back with the laxative, it's called Hyrdocil Instant Laxative, we were going to use a docusate sodium type laxative, but those can take anywhere from 1-5 days to work, not the best for this situation....

I will be taking it within an hour or two. Been hydrating and everything, D-Day (or should I say P-Day) is about to go down on the porcelain beaches of my bathroom.

Fuck these updates. My ass hurts.
Oct 17 2011 6:20PM
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yuck
Posts: 8384 - Karma: 2,090
i have the weirdest boner right now

















































sorry that was out of line.
Oct 17 2011 6:23PM
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bgould
Posts: 1306 - Karma: 23
HAHAHA GOOD LUCK YOUNG SOLDIER. DO YOUR COUNTRY PROUD AND MAKE SURE TO LEAVE IT ALL OUT ON THE BATTLEFIELD
Oct 17 2011 6:36PM
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Zimmerman
Posts: 6992 - Karma: 1,021
exactly my thoughts
Oct 17 2011 6:42PM
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JIBpsy^^
Posts: 2851 - Karma: 36
cork your ass then when it goes off you can maybe knock someone out.
Oct 17 2011 6:49PM
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Deluge
Posts: 4401 - Karma: 805
Good post
Oct 17 2011 6:50PM
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PeterWojnar
Posts: 3937 - Karma: 678
This is how I envision your pooping after you take the laxatives:



Have fun!
Oct 17 2011 7:06PM
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sirschralpalot.
Posts: 453 - Karma: 18
o rly? because i thought that was a daliy habit for us all
Oct 17 2011 7:24PM
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skiingblowsme
Posts: 664 - Karma: 100
Can't wait for him to shit rockets like we did on afghan.....
Oct 17 2011 7:43PM
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Mr.Huck
Posts: 6096 - Karma: 14,896
Agreed. Might look like this:

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Oct 17 2011 7:57PM
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rareison
Posts: 10263 - Karma: 219
Click for larger image
Oct 17 2011 8:14PM
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Shza.
Posts: 425 - Karma: 92
I'm not trying to be? I ride Surface, and love their stuff, so I want to rep it... I don't see the problem here?
Oct 17 2011 8:47PM
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POW-WOW
Posts: 1464 - Karma: 46
Newbschooler
Oct 17 2011 9:06PM
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theBearJew
Posts: 10951 - Karma: 15,633
lost it.
Oct 17 2011 9:59PM
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The.Man
Posts: 212 - Karma: 249
That was the most agononizing period of time of my entire life. I kid you not. Story has a moral, but i'm in entirely too much pain to type it up atm. lying onmy stomach since, havent moved
Oct 17 2011 10:14PM
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rtav
Posts: 227 - Karma: 90
Please give my condolences to your butt. You made my night last night with this story as well!
Oct 17 2011 10:23PM
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wait.what
Posts: 1694 - Karma: 529
"are you butt hurt, bro?" jkilu
Oct 17 2011 10:35PM
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84891jnf92048
Posts: 11552 - Karma: 2,550
flush BEFORE every shit? shit from a splash safe height?
Oct 17 2011 10:36PM
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Darth.Maul
Posts: 2472 - Karma: 652
Take pics of the nuclear chocolate chip shotgun and post them. Man this threads really goin down the shitter...
Oct 17 2011 10:39PM
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wait.what
Posts: 1694 - Karma: 529
Www.ratemypoo.com do it
Oct 17 2011 10:41PM
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WorthDaMoney
Posts: 1140 - Karma: 741
member since may 2011. you are in no position.

dont hate, he just wants to rep surface

back to the thread.. your shit? :

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Oct 17 2011 10:46PM
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funkmaster
Posts: 617 - Karma: 1,876
[IMG]http://www.blogcdn.com/www.aoltv.com/media/2011/05/tosh.0110524.jpg[/IMG]

do not know why this wont embed but

http://www.blogcdn.com/www.aoltv.com/media/2011/05/tosh.0110524.jpg
Oct 17 2011 10:51PM
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Mr.Huck
Posts: 6096 - Karma: 14,896
IDK. The higher the drop, the bigger the plop. Could backfire on you. Literally!
Oct 17 2011 10:59PM
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The.Man
Posts: 212 - Karma: 249
Yeah, cause I would have definitely fucking left it in the toilet and let the smell sink into the wallpaper. The top floor of my house was uninhabitable for the next 30 minutes, it was fucking horrid. The thought of doing that never once crossed my mind, the only thing I could think of was how it felt like I was shitting out a naval sub.

Storytime since I feel rather clean and empty and the stinging has slightly subsided....

So. I didn't eat too much yesterday. Naturally, I was starving today. So I ate a good bit of food. Breakfast and lunch were a bit bigger than normal and I had an after school snack of equal proportions. I'm a growing boy, what can I say

So late late this afternoon before dinner my mom comes up to my room and tells me I should take the laxatives soon, yeah.

So I mixed them into a glass of orange juice. There is a measuring spoon, 1 spoonful is the dosage. Since it read "stool softener", and I couldn't walk straight, I put a little bit more than that in. Like 1.5 .

uhm


So within minutes I can feel P-Day preparations beginning. My stomach was churning like washing machine, and I swear, I could feel shit moving around down there. It was weird.

I go upstairs to the bathroom where the original incident happened, sat down (after I checked for chemicals), and waited.

As soon as I pulled my phone out, I felt the urge to fart. From what I have read, this is where it all starts. So I give it a little push, and WHOOSH the fucking floodgates of hell's sewers break open. Imagine that basement faucet the width of a quarter that has endless pressure being turned on at full blast.

Shit was splashing everywhere. My ass, the toilet, the floor around it, even on the wall a foot away. Only because I leaned forwards to try to stay dry.

Did I mention the pain? Oh god, it was mindblowing. I cannot think of a metaphor to describe it, which is a first for me. Normally can pull that one pretty easily, yeah no. My corroded asshole was begging for mercy, but the floods kept coming

and coming

and coming

I had to flush at least 3 times because I was afraid of the toilet overflowing. I guess I was a little too hydrated.

My mom came up to check on me, since I was kicking the walls and thumping around, she almost threw up and ran back downstairs.

Eventually, the rush turned to a stream, the stream to an intermittant flow, and the flow to a trickle. Wiping was unheard of, I just got in the shower....


...which wasn't smart because the heated, humid air made the smell unbearable. Especially since my bathroom is like ten feet long by 7 feet wide.

I'll cut the rest out and leave you with this little tidbit:
Don't exceed the recommended dose.

I cant believe i typed all of this up for you guys, i'm still on my stomach watching tv.
Oct 17 2011 11:03PM
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the.cheat
Posts: 2859 - Karma: 171
i have no words other then ew... i love this story.
Oct 17 2011 11:07PM
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Mr.Turtle
Posts: 3690 - Karma: 96
this is ridiculous
Oct 17 2011 11:16PM
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.seb.
Posts: 1291 - Karma: 597
this is amazing.
Oct 17 2011 11:25PM
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Zimmerman
Posts: 6992 - Karma: 1,021
holy shit that blows


i lol'd
Oct 17 2011 11:26PM
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insaneisaak7
Posts: 21 - Karma: 10
can i see <3 plzzzzzzzz
Oct 17 2011 11:28PM
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daskis
Posts: 1828 - Karma: 356
1. wow
2. ew
3. I'm so sorry.
4. hahahaaaaha
Oct 17 2011 11:31PM
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LAME.
Posts: 5795 - Karma: 2,449
Can you say pink eye?
Oct 17 2011 11:32PM
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insaneisaak7
Posts: 21 - Karma: 10
jhghjg
Oct 17 2011 11:32PM
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CliffyByro
Posts: 5678 - Karma: 3,903
funniest troll thread ever

but really guys, OP is papa_lanks
Oct 17 2011 11:32PM
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84891jnf92048
Posts: 11552 - Karma: 2,550
get pink eye from his pink sock.
Oct 17 2011 11:33PM
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insaneisaak7
Posts: 21 - Karma: 10
http://gut.bmj.com/content/56/6/762/F1.large.jpg

Oct 17 2011 11:34PM
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Mr.Turtle
Posts: 3690 - Karma: 96
its still pretty entertaining
Oct 17 2011 11:35PM
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bgould
Posts: 1306 - Karma: 23
I JUST THREW UP...OUT OF MY DICK
Oct 17 2011 11:37PM
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CliffyByro
Posts: 5678 - Karma: 3,903
yeah don't get me wrong, i love this thread, funniest/ most original thing in a long time.

i'm just sayin'
Oct 17 2011 11:38PM
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Lucas
Posts: 4881 - Karma: 1,575
this thread is going in my sigs i was laughing so hard i couldnt breathe wow….
Oct 17 2011 11:40PM
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WorthDaMoney
Posts: 1140 - Karma: 741
YUMMY..
Oct 17 2011 11:40PM
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TOAST.
Posts: 7484 - Karma: 36,072
I feel like i couldnt take a shower with a poopy b-hole. I would need to wipe
Oct 17 2011 11:42PM
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Lucas
Posts: 4881 - Karma: 1,575
put that away jesus

Oct 17 2011 11:43PM
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alexg1687
Posts: 1505 - Karma: 1,581
"chemicals up my butt".......4 words that should be added to the NS hall of fame, right next to "she is a solid 7" and "pee in her butt"
Oct 17 2011 11:49PM
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theline
Posts: 1507 - Karma: 92
shit just got real...
Oct 18 2011 12:02AM
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Lucas
Posts: 4881 - Karma: 1,575
chemikals*
Oct 18 2011 12:40AM
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.Hugo.
Posts: 17360 - Karma: 28,485
chemickals**
Oct 18 2011 12:51AM
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