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Douchebag Roommate

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SterlingArcher
Posts: 2200 - Karma: 2,456

Ok im about to rant.. My bad!!!!

Im renting a sweet big ass house from this lady that is here 2 days per week and the rest of the time shes in Cali working at her business.  Pretty sick right? Wrong..  My "roommate" is her dead beat nephew whos 24. Now im 23.. ive gone to college, i was in military and already completed my term, do decent and school, and pay MY BILLS.  This shitbag sits on his ass ALL DAY/NIGHT (not kidding) from noon to 4am  he sits at his computer and plays this computer game.. nothing else.  I'll go to work and come back 9 hours later and he hadn't got up to eat or take a shit.  He's always saying, can u get me a drink, or hold my cig, or can u answer the door? Does Wayne Brady need to smack a bitch?!  Now heres where my problem starts.. I bring this chick over and he gets all butt hurt like his online girlfriend isnt good enough, take her home come back and say "Where's the bread?".. He goes off on me sayin "You gotta but your own food, the food cindy (my landlord) buys is for me and her not you.. if i was her and u ate our food id be pissed!"  What..the..fuck.. I said "I asked where MY bread was to make a sandwich."  Little baby back bitch need to pop his mouth off her titty and grow the fuck up if u ask me. Dude doesnt pay for anything or have a job and mooches off this nice lady who took him in when his parents booted him.  I pay my bills thanks, i plan on gettin outta here away from this clown and his douchebaggery, but plan on calling this shit stain on a truckstop toliet rim out before i do. 

What are your thoughts?  Have any douchebag roommate stories of your own? 

You can say cool story bro, but when u bust ur ass and little shits like this start stuff, ull know the feeling ...   P.S.  anyone in SLC/PC/HEBER ppl lookin for a roommate? 

/rant

Oct 7 2011 1:58AM
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CluckaChuck
Posts: 1541 - Karma: 734
I hate leeches
Oct 7 2011 2:01AM
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Big_Spence
Posts: 16177 - Karma: 4,352
write you name on your food?
Oct 7 2011 2:01AM
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.AR6rider.
Posts: 15976 - Karma: 8,799
It sounds like a shitty situation, especially since your landlady is his aunt, but you have to try to reason with him, and if that doesn't work, try to talk to the landlady and explain your situation. Also, do you smoke? If my roommate was smoking in the house that would be a major dealbreaker and would greatly upset me. Try to be reasonable, but do what you have to do to make sure your living arrangements are how you want them.
Oct 7 2011 2:02AM
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SterlingArcher
Posts: 2200 - Karma: 2,456
naw he smokes outside, I have all my food in my own section, my bread was gone, so I asked where it was..  happens with my beer all the time too, but "Nope... Didnt see any"  Fuckin buttlicker
Oct 7 2011 2:06AM
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las.
Posts: 1959 - Karma: 1,455
steal his shit back, fight fire with fire
Oct 7 2011 2:09AM
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Big_Spence
Posts: 16177 - Karma: 4,352
karma is a bitch....
plus if his aunt is the landlady that probably wouldn't end up too great.
Oct 7 2011 2:10AM
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las.
Posts: 1959 - Karma: 1,455
good point. plan b - set up a full house surveillance system, get some dirt on the fucker then show the landlord. or use the footage to blackmail him.
Oct 7 2011 2:17AM
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Fucktown
Posts: 474 - Karma: 22

Pee in beer bottle.

Write name on beer bottle.

Strategically place beer bottle in fridge when he won't be home for a few hours.

And from there my friend... it's the waiting game.

Oct 7 2011 4:17AM
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hot.pocket
Posts: 4225 - Karma: 10,625
winwinwinwinwin
Oct 7 2011 4:20AM
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seanahue.
Posts: 2142 - Karma: 3,375
i like the peeing in beer bottle idea, the only problem though is that he'll definitely know it was you, and will probably narc or try and get you back... you want to fight a covert war here, so subtlety is key; do little things that he will never know about but will nonetheless make you feel good inside. here's some raw, down-low, and dirty shit i did to a deadbeat roommate in college (fucker deserved it):

1. wipe your ass with his pillowcase but try not to leave any visible shit-residue; best if done after a sweaty, intense work-out

2. scrub skidmarks in the toilet bowl with his toothbrush

3. piss behind dressers and other hard to reach corners in his room

4. unscrew his shower head and put a chicken bouillon cube inside it

5. get a hypodermic needle and fill it with habanero extract; go crazy and inject any/all of his food items

this one could get you caught easier than the others, but it would be a great one to pull just before you move because it takes a couple days to reach full-effect:
6. cut a small slit in the underside of his mattress/boxspring (make sure its kind of close to the center so he won't notice when changing sheets) and go to the store and buy a whole fish with the scales, eyes, and everything; put the fish in a ziplock, poke a few holes in the fish and the bag, and stuff it inside the mattress/boxspring

...and if all else fails there's always www.shitsenders.com/order/ for when you finally do move out, classic

on another note, i live in PC and need a roommate, probably in the old town/prospector/kimballjunction area; shoot me a PM if you're interested, i promise i wont pull any of the above on you either ;)
Oct 7 2011 4:56AM
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Boooshank
Posts: 1650 - Karma: 160
Ahahha to #1 thru #6

Hows about...

#7 Crinkle up one of his pillows, Put pillow under ass. Brew up a fat one and as you release the air biscuit pull apart the pillow. Pillow sucks up fart like bellows. Carefully rest on his bed, soon as his head hits the pillow he'll chunder. He'll never know.
Oct 7 2011 6:41AM
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ORDEAL
Posts: 6386 - Karma: 75
.
Oct 7 2011 7:12AM
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no_steeze
Posts: 23992 - Karma: 4,272
jizz in his mayonnaise
Oct 7 2011 7:17AM
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theabortionator
Posts: 51626 - Karma: 162,071
deal with it or move out.


Buy your own food?
Oct 7 2011 7:55AM
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SKIAtomics
Posts: 5 - Karma: 10
cool story babe...now go make me a sandwhich
Oct 7 2011 8:01AM
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Newschool_Pope
Posts: 2473 - Karma: 267
that was gold. wish you had posted that earlier. i had a bitch of a roommate once. did the pissing part. also put an open tunacan behind his cupboard. poured a bottle of milk behind his drawer.
Oct 7 2011 8:13AM
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84891jnf92048
Posts: 11552 - Karma: 2,550
literal fire, burn the place down with him in it.
Oct 7 2011 9:07AM
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.spaghetticat.
Posts: 4283 - Karma: 890
delete his world or warcraft account

Oct 7 2011 9:13AM
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Petey.
Posts: 5736 - Karma: 4,885
Change the password

Oct 7 2011 10:10AM
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I_Am_Mod
Posts: 13214 - Karma: 3,753
^^exactly this !!

or acquire any other sort of compromising footage of the guy and throw it on the web ! :)
Oct 7 2011 10:13AM
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moonofendor
Posts: 1484 - Karma: 14
- put dehydrated milk in his bed.
-bang his aunt
-^
-yeah i said to bang his aunt twice.
Oct 7 2011 10:33AM
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SterlingArcher
Posts: 2200 - Karma: 2,456

i guess u didnt see where i said i buy all my own shit

Oct 7 2011 11:25AM
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-Mugatu
Posts: 2579 - Karma: 84
yu don nuttie boii, muuurda dis patti bloodclot, paste him up da wall to show his modda's sista yu don murda dem one time, dats how yu show da mon yu king of babylon, and NOOOO-brudda come bangin in you dwellin no mo. worrrrrd brudda.
Oct 7 2011 11:27AM
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-Mugatu
Posts: 2579 - Karma: 84
or this, embedded disabled... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9UqEU1C4fA&feature=related


Oct 7 2011 11:32AM
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why
Posts: 2064 - Karma: 65
butter the floor
Oct 7 2011 11:53AM
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Saac
Posts: 767 - Karma: 333
cap his ass
Oct 7 2011 11:54AM
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DUKES
Posts: 5150 - Karma: 691
hook up with his internet girlfriend
Oct 7 2011 11:57AM
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.RYAN66
Posts: 5381 - Karma: 235
Put a virus on his computer would probably piss him off but not nearly as good as some of the other shit in this thread
Oct 7 2011 12:07PM
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I.B
Posts: 8137 - Karma: 24,351
Yeah do this.
Oct 7 2011 12:08PM
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the.cheat
Posts: 2859 - Karma: 171
dont fuckin fuck with a fuckin WOW player motherfucker
Oct 7 2011 12:25PM
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SterlingArcher
Posts: 2200 - Karma: 2,456
LOL at how hes gasping out of breath while talking!!!
Oct 7 2011 12:28PM
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tjlproductions
Posts: 114 - Karma: 145
Heres what you do:

1.Take one standard dinner plate, must have a little curve on edge.
2. Pee on it to fill it up to the edge.
3. Put it in freezer until frozen.
4. Slide the frozen piss off the plate.
5. Then slide your frozen piss underneath his door at night and the piss will melt and then you would have successfully completed the infamous piss puck.
Oct 7 2011 12:33PM
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the.cheat
Posts: 2859 - Karma: 171
its weird i know but *she*
Oct 7 2011 12:33PM
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SterlingArcher
Posts: 2200 - Karma: 2,456

O_o

Oct 7 2011 12:35PM
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Fucktown
Posts: 474 - Karma: 22
I feel like those are much more asshole moves than the beer bottle. And I feel the beer bottle is much more justifiable, the reason for both being that he has to steal something from you to make it work. When he says something about it you can always say "Why were you drinking my beer?!?"
Oct 7 2011 12:40PM
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theabortionator
Posts: 51626 - Karma: 162,071
Then tell him to fuck off or move out?
Oct 7 2011 12:41PM
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SterlingArcher
Posts: 2200 - Karma: 2,456

babe? i guess this indicates u take it up your chili ring?

nice fail asshat

Oct 7 2011 1:24PM
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J.M
Posts: 2854 - Karma: 254
you should do all of this and mess with the WoW account.  IF you do, make sure you setup hidden camera or take pics
Oct 7 2011 2:46PM
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.R-Lohin
Posts: 1686 - Karma: 117
Holy dooley
Oct 7 2011 3:37PM
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Mr.Gaga
Posts: 2021 - Karma: 542

Shit in his bed.

Oct 7 2011 3:49PM
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Cufe.
Posts: 1950 - Karma: 262
that was a girl?
Oct 7 2011 3:50PM
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Caucasian_Asian
Posts: 2447 - Karma: 1,665
Or better yet, slip it into his bed while he's sleeping.


Then wake him up in the morning, and watch him squirm as he thinks he's wet the bed.
Oct 7 2011 4:57PM
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the.cheat
Posts: 2859 - Karma: 171
unfortunately, yes.
Oct 7 2011 8:48PM
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forrest1
Posts: 88 - Karma: 18

Roomates are for poor people.

Oct 7 2011 8:50PM
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howlongcanausern
Posts: 4982 - Karma: 1,737
lulz
Oct 7 2011 9:48PM
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crab_pretzel
Posts: 3919 - Karma: 622
that is so terrible. but im sure they deserved it
Oct 7 2011 9:58PM
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RubberSoul
Posts: 11249 - Karma: 14,642
honestly i dont really see what's so important about this.. so you have a roommate that doesnt do shit.. and mooches off someone that isnt you. i think you need a hobby or something if this is the biggest of your concerns. if he was actually affecting your life i'd understand but he's really not, unless i missed something while skimming your rant
Oct 7 2011 10:54PM
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Boooshank
Posts: 1650 - Karma: 160
I'd say living with someone and having to deal with their selfishness is enough to affect your life. Your home should be the mellowest spot you spend time.
Oct 7 2011 11:55PM
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rudager
Posts: 11335 - Karma: 4,624
I really want to fight it.
If it wins, it can eat me, I wouldn't want to live any more any ways.







As for your room mate situation. Be passive aggressive towards everything. Maybe he'll get the picture. If that's not your style. Make him snap out of his lifestyle. It's clearly not working for either of you. Just lay down the guidelines, and set up harsh consequences if those aren't met.

Oct 8 2011 12:22AM
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ski-or-die
Posts: 770 - Karma: 17

The toxicity of raw castor beans due to the presence of ricin is well-known. Although the lethal dose in adults is considered to be four to eight seeds, reports of actual poisoning are relatively rare.[14] According to the 2007 edition of the Guinness Book of World Records, this plant is the most poisonous in the world.

If ingested, symptoms may be delayed by up to 36 hours but commonly begin within 2-4 hours. These include a burning sensation in mouth and throat, abdominal pain, purging and bloody diarrhea. Within several days there is severe dehydration, a drop in blood pressure and a decrease in urine. Unless treated, death can be expected to occur within 3–5 days, however in most cases a full recovery can be made.[15][16]

Poisoning occurs when animals ingest broken seeds or break the seed by chewing: intact seeds may pass through the digestive tract without releasing the toxin[15]. Toxicity varies among animal species: four seeds will kill a rabbit, five a sheep, six an ox or horse, seven a pig, and eleven a dog. Ducks have shown incredible resistance to the seeds: it takes an average of 80 to kill them.[17] The toxin provides the castor oil plant with some degree of natural protection from insect pests, such as aphids. In fact, ricin has been investigated for its potential use as an insecticide. The castor oil plant is also the source for undecylenic acid, a natural fungicide.

Oct 8 2011 1:29AM
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