Replying to Bi-polar I

it sucks, im not normal, i have been suicidal all day, yesterday i felt great and today i have loaded and cocked my .22 about 10 different times, but never did it. last time i drove my car into a tree at 95mph and walked away, the next time the lawnmower ran out of gas before i could inhale enough fumes to asphyxiate. im sick of all this world bullshit and loans debts manic mood swings, people calling me lazy because i get so fucking depressed i dont do shit for days, nobody in my family or friends feels my pain  and i just want it to end peacefully, ASAP