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Behold the Puck Daddy 2011 Free Agent Frenzy Drinking Game*!
This is a surefire way to make today's events -- or lack of events -- 74-percent better.
Of course, a drinking game is even better with your input, so please feel free to add your own rules to the game in the comments.
Coming up, what you should look for today to help increase your beverage-to-hand ratio.
Take One Drink When ...
• Anyone on the TSN panel looks down at their Blackberry's.
• The Winnipeg Jets sign a free agent.
• The Phoenix Coyotes lose a free agent.
• TSN interviews a player by phone.
• Pierre McGuire calls a player a "monster."
• Pierre McGuire refers to a player by his full name (i.e. Timothy Connolly, Steven Sullivan).
• Each time the "Philadelphia Flyers" are mentioned on the TSN telecast.
• Each time the name "Brad Richards" is said on the TSN telecast.
• James Duthie says, "We have a signing to announce."
Take Two Drinks When ...
• Someone signs a contract of five years or more.
• A fake Twitter account dupes a member of the MSM.
• You fall victim to a fake Twitter account of a MSM personality.
• Florida Panthers GM Dale Tallon takes on another overpriced contract.
• TSN interviews a player by video.
• A defenseman signs a deal with a cap hit higher than that of Christian Ehrhoff ($4 million)
• Ilya Kovalchuk's contract is mentioned.
• A goaltender is signed as a free agent.
• Glen Sather overpays for for a free agent (better get ready).
Take Three Drinks When ...
• Brad Richards or Tomas Vokoun sign on Day 1.
• A player you've honestly never heard of before signs an NHL free-agent contract.
• The TSN broadcast strays away from talking free agency and discusses other topics like what Canada's 2014 Olympic team might look like.
• A player signs for more millions of dollars than he had goals scored last season.
• A member the TSN panel can't figure out how to use his iPad.
CHUG IF ...
• A restricted free agent signs an offer sheet.
• Hugh Jessiman cashes in on his two NHL games from this past season and signs on Day 1.
• The TSN panel gets so bored with the day's events that they leave the set early to their cottages.
To Leafs: Cody Franson, Matt Lombardi
To Preds: Brett Lebda, some dude
It's rare I will say this: the Leafs appear to have absolutely robbed someone in a trade. I wish the Nucks had Franson, that guy has upside.
Wait, Corey Perry gets cheap-shotted in the groin and HE'S the one with no balls? What a cowardly, classless move by a guy who was generally the exact opposite sort of player. Weak.
Anyway of course you're pumped, your team made a trade... what fan doesn't see the best possible scenario after a trade. I'm already itching for next season to start. Fuck summer. I need NHL 12.