Of God and Schlongs

How to Talk to Your Kids about Anthony Weiner’s Penis
Advice from Davis Logsdon, Child Psychologist

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – As a prominent child
psychologist, I know the struggles that parents go through trying to answer their children’s most difficult questions. “What will happen to me when I die?” “Why do people I love have to go away?” “If there is a God, why does He allow so much pain and suffering in the world?” “Could someone hack my Twitter account and send pictures of my erect penis to everyone in the world?”

Anecdotally, it’s this last question that parents have been wrestling with the most over the past few days. As much as we try to shelter our children, they’re not immune to the pervasive influence of the Internet as well as the cable news channels, all of which have been broadcasting titillating details of the Anthony Weiner bulging underwear scandal on a 24-hour basis. Understandably, this has a negative effect on our children’s sense of security and wellbeing. Kids today live in a world that is confusing and scary enough without throwing into the mix the fear of having one’s erect penis secretly photographed and tweeted to the four corners of the world.

Because I’ve dealt with this nettlesome issue so much over the past few days, I thought it might be helpful to publish the following tips to help concerned parents talk to their kids about Anthony Weiner’s penis:

-Could what happened to Anthony Weiner’s penis happen to my penis?

No. Anthony Weiner’s penis has many followers on Twitter. Your penis isn’t even on Twitter. Someday, when your penis gets much older, it may be on Twitter. But that’s nothing to worry about, because many people believe the world will end before then.

-If someday my penis is on Twitter and someone sends pictures of it to everyone in the world, what should I do?

Most people go through life without ever having their penis sent to everyone in the world. But if it does happen, just say that the whole thing is a “distraction.” That’s a long word which means it’s your penis but you don’t want to talk about it.

-Could Anthony Weiner’s penis hack my penis’s Twitter account and send pictures of my penis to people?

No. Anthony Weiner’s penis is too busy to do something like that.

-If there is a God, why does he let so much pain and suffering happen to Anthony Weiner’s penis?

God does many wonderful things. He made you, and Mommy and Daddy, and the sun and the moon and all of the food that we eat. But sometimes God gets bored, and that’s why He made the people who invented Twitter.