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Life rant

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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
I realize all I am gonna get is "cool story bro" pics and "u mad" memes but I don't give a fuck.



Just this weekend I found out that the lady that used to run the daycare I was a part of had her third stroke and is in the hospital and isn't really responding to any sort of stimuli. Now, this lady had become an extremely close family friend, so close that she is essentially family. While thinking about this last night studying for finals I realized I have had around 10 family members/super close family friends die since I was born (I am 22)..


-When I was 2 my dad's father died. I don't remember him at all but apparently he loved the hell out of me and when he came from Minnesota to visit (I live in Washington) he almost wouldn't let my own mom and dad hold me.

-When I was 8 the family dog, my constant companion and only real friend at the time was put to sleep.

-When I was 11 my aunt passed away from emphysema.

-When I was 12 the husband of a close family friend (who basically became like another grandfather/grandmother for me) died.

-When I was 14 my grandfather on my mom's side died unexpectedly. He was admitted to the hospital feeling light headed and was dead 24 hours later. Yay Japanese medical system.

-When I was 16 my cousin's husband died. He was one of two people that taught me how to shoot a rifle.

-When I was 16 later in the year my grandmother on my dad's side died.

-When I was 18 this lady that ran my daycare had her 2nd stroke and slowed WAY down (like, almost to nursing home I need constant help stage).

-Around this time was when my dad found me shortly after graduation sitting in the shop with his shotgun in my mouth loaded and I was about ready to pull the trigger.

-Off to college I go and met my now ex gf who kinda helped me realize that there was more for me to live for.

-Then, last year when I was 21 the close friend of my mom who considered me as the grandchild she didn't have was admitted to the hospital with a nasty cough and was dead 8 hours later.

-Later that year, another lady that had considered me a grandson died after hitting the age of 98.


And now I have this latest issue that my dad feels this lady won't survive. I honestly feel like shit and am worried my brain/emotional status is about to crack again.
Mar 22 2011 4:38PM
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Jonny.Ski
Posts: 169 - Karma: 11
I thankfully have not experienced any harrowing experiences such as yours so i can only offer my thoughts and vibes. +vibes bro
Mar 22 2011 4:45PM
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*rkp*
Posts: 8198 - Karma: 257
I'm sorry man. mortality and the transience of life can be a hard one.

it is unfortunately one of the things that we all much deal with (or learn to deal with) as time marches onwards.

if you are feeling unstable, speak about it (not only on NS though). console in your family, friends, even counsellors are great in helping people understand and come to terms with things.

that is life (not meant in a condescending way). I hope you're able to derive closure somehow.
Mar 22 2011 4:46PM
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-Mugatu
Posts: 2579 - Karma: 84
Lifes a bitch and you have to learn to push past all the horseshit and keep going. Im in the same boat with you about how many close family members/friends have died, a couple more family related ones too. After all the pain and angst you felt with all these people passing away, Im surprised you even thought about taking your own life, but thats no where near my word to say.

Nevertheless, Ive been your shoes before, and it sucks but you just have to run on the belief that shit will work itself out and be better, someday. Because believe me, shit WILL be better, and this is coming from a guy who's shit still hasn't gotten better, only worse.
Mar 22 2011 4:59PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
Outside of my parents and 2 friend there was no one close to me at the time I felt. And those two friends I figured would just move on and forget about me in a year or two.
Mar 22 2011 5:13PM
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Bubba-Snax
Posts: 541 - Karma: 11
shit sux bro. hope she gets better and good luck finding a way to get through it all.
Mar 22 2011 5:21PM
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CharlieSheen
Posts: 173 - Karma: 10
Everyone you know someday will die, and instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know you realize that life goes fast, it's hard to make the good things last, you realize the sun doesn't go down, it's just an illusion caused by the world spinning 'round.
Mar 22 2011 5:40PM
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Toasty.
Posts: 6195 - Karma: 2,281
shit sucks bro. and i know you think takein your life is gonna end your problems but it wont. my uncle did that on october 27, 2009. and you have no idea how that affects the people around you. but i have also thought about it, my uncle died in 09, my cousin died from a birthing defect in 10, and know my mom is havin cancer problems again. its like im just gettin curve balls thrown at me. and im 16. just gotta keep yo chin up though.
Mar 22 2011 5:44PM
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kootenayklaus
Posts: 3914 - Karma: 2,179
Vibes coming your way. And to be honest, not trying to be funny at all saying this, I would just stay away from watching MMA, whenever I see it, it makes me feel sick and worse after...
Mar 22 2011 5:44PM
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.frenchy
Posts: 18221 - Karma: 12,321

shit man that sucksss.. I've lost a lot recently too, dog a couple years ago and my grandpa a year ago. Losing people close to you do alot to you emotionaly.

ITS OK PANDA!! YOU'LL GET THROUGH THIS!

Mar 22 2011 5:47PM
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Raz.
Posts: 7456 - Karma: 1,611
no joke, join a gym. best anti-depressant out there, and it has great benefits aswell (better body, self confidence, sleep better, etc.)
Mar 22 2011 6:00PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
I am part of a local MMA gym.
Mar 22 2011 6:08PM
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DLAM
Posts: 341 - Karma: 38
Honestly, I haven't dealt with two many deaths but I have had a few. I really think you need to stop being such a pessimist and start thinking about all the good times you had with that person. I know everyone deals with death differently but if you think about it in the right way you have that many people watching over you.

Mar 22 2011 6:14PM
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notadoctor
Posts: 404 - Karma: 640
I know it's a disney cartoon but I always felt that Lion king did a really good job dealing with life and death. Even now, (i'm 20) I still watch the first movie when I'm feeling bummed about stuff like that. Watch these if you get the chance.

Mar 22 2011 6:33PM
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CharlieSheen
Posts: 173 - Karma: 10
Read 'The Death of Ivan Ilych' if you want some interesting perspectives on death. Probably considered to be one of the best short stories/novellas ever written.
Mar 22 2011 6:40PM
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squibble
Posts: 4569 - Karma: 104
doesnt that shit happen to everyone? move on, dead people are dead, its not adaptive to cling to them
Mar 22 2011 6:42PM
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molsongolden
Posts: 1649 - Karma: 162
honestly man I don't want to make you feel worse but it's all part of life and many people out there have it much worse.

barring any outlier circumstances every person you know that is older than you will probably die before you, that's just the way it is.

just be glad you had the time with them that you did and ending your time here is never the solution. think about how shitty you feel when someone you are close to dies for some unfortunate reason then think about all the people who care about you and how torn their lives would be if you killed yourself. if you really care then do something that matters, giving up is the pussy way out.



vibes


Mar 22 2011 6:56PM
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Willie_D
Posts: 127 - Karma: 14
+ vibes. hang in there buddy
Mar 22 2011 7:05PM
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Raz.
Posts: 7456 - Karma: 1,611
how often do you go? i do martial arts three times a week, then added 3 days of just going too a gym ontop of it. It has helped me so much its not even funny, a few months ago i even made a "depression" thread (and too be honest i was a lot more depressed than I admitted), but now I am feeling much better with the added gym!
Mar 22 2011 7:20PM
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SgtSteamy
Posts: 498 - Karma: 202
I'm not going to pretend to even know what you're going through but I hope things get better. I've always had attachment issues and that prevents me from getting close to people. When I finally do let the wall down I have a hard time letting go.

This video always makes me feel a little bit better about life and death. Not super relevant but it's the best I can do :/



Anyways +k +vibes hope things turn around.
Mar 22 2011 7:56PM
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BenWhit
Posts: 4654 - Karma: 3,256
life isn't easy dude, and never will be. when i was 16, a day after getting my license, i watched my best friend die by my side after we got in a car accident on the way home from skiing (no, i was not driving). this kid was like my brother, i would sleep at his house for days. he was in my class in 7th grade, and we just ended up skiing 5 days a week that year. i went on so many trips with him, we would stay at each others house for days. i loved him like a brother. he was my family, and i was his. the shit i saw was horrifying, and no person should never have to see that, ever. i've been in pretty dark places, but there's people out there that care. no 16 year old kid, who cant possibly comprehend what had just happened or that he would never see them again should have to carry his best friend's casket. if you need/want to talk, PM me.
Mar 22 2011 8:03PM
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Flying~Squirrel
Posts: 6494 - Karma: 192
i really dont want to sound like a dick here, but to me it sounds like your crying about some things that really dont need to be cried over. maybe you did almost commit suicide, and maybe you are depressed, and that really sucks, but i dont think those problems you listed are such a big deal.
for example, when i was two, my dad's mom died, before i even got to know her. i watched my first dog get hit by a car when i was 7. my grandfather on my mom's side was diagnosed with 3 different cancers when i was 8 and now cannot live the life he used to, even though he used to be such a lively, upbeat person. my grandfather on my dads side died of cancer last year, and he was someone who i really look up to. two of my sisters friends died in a car accident when they were hit by a drunk driver three years ago. the woman who worked in the mail room at my school died in a car crash last year and she was an awesome woman, and a cancer survivor.
and the list goes on, but non of these really bother me and i dont complain about it. so to put it in the crude tense favored by the internet, quit bitchin.
Mar 22 2011 8:06PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
2 days a week for that about 2 hours a session and 2 days of kendo every week for about 2hours.



And kingcolin... go fuck yourself.
Mar 22 2011 8:43PM
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Flying~Squirrel
Posts: 6494 - Karma: 192
thanks, ill get right on it.
Mar 22 2011 9:02PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
Your sisters two friends and the nice lady in the mail room aren't the same as people that were basically grandparents. Sorry, that is unless you went to bed with them.
Mar 22 2011 9:04PM
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Flying~Squirrel
Posts: 6494 - Karma: 192
im not saying they were grandparents, im saying that they were people who i know very well who died too young, and that sucks and everybody gets sad. everybody also gets over it because half of living is dying.
Mar 22 2011 9:06PM
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geteducated
Posts: 6410 - Karma: 86
live your life as if you know the exact day you're going to die.

and remember, when it is dark enough, you can see the stars..


Mar 22 2011 9:08PM
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EasyEast
Posts: 1983 - Karma: 118
super vibes for you man you gotta stay focussed on the positives though and your pations thats what will keep driving you! you'll pull through man us nser's are here for ya
Mar 22 2011 9:08PM
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PeteyWykes
Posts: 419 - Karma: 67
Heres how i think of it, although many have tried no one has ever beaten death. So make something out of your life, even if its holding the door open for someone or saying thank you. There is always gunna be bad shit around the corner but you just gotta embrace it, take it in and learn. One love.
Mar 22 2011 9:13PM
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FreeBallin
Posts: 1845 - Karma: 17
Life sucks & then you die.
Mar 22 2011 9:14PM
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molsongolden
Posts: 1649 - Karma: 162
Click for larger image
Mar 23 2011 10:44PM
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JamesR
Posts: 3396 - Karma: -12
Your life has been torn apart by death and you want to make a career of killing people? Maybe channel those emotions into a more positive outcome for the world.
Mar 23 2011 10:50PM
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dbstar
Posts: 2038 - Karma: 20
although you say lots of things that make me semi angry... that shit sucks... more than ive had to deal with +vibes... be strong
Mar 23 2011 10:55PM
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tall_pants
Posts: 663 - Karma: 446

where do u live in WA?

+vibes

Mar 23 2011 10:57PM
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Bubba-Snax
Posts: 541 - Karma: 11
Haha!!! +K Molsons.
Mar 24 2011 7:06AM
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daskis
Posts: 1828 - Karma: 356
To start I'd like to share this little piece of my senior bio in the Yearbook with you:
I wish that you may find each day more beautiful, more wonderful than the last. I wish that you may always be met with open arms and open hearts. I wish for you a lifetime of love and happiness.

You have immense strength to be able to cope with this all. You only grow stronger each and every day that you are alive. I too have suffered many losses and setbacks. You must keep on. Those people are all alive in your heart... and let me tell you, maybe they are the happiest there. Everyday is a new mystery, without those mysteries life would be a bore. Often times we dislike, and even hate those things that sneak up on us from nowhere, yet sometimes they can bring us pure joy and happiness. We live for those "sometimes" moments. That is what you have to keep living for, no matter how limited they may be. In the end you will count your blessings, and they will outshine your setbacks.

I am sending lots of vibes your way, and like my bio passage says, I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness. Stay strong and know that if you need anything, there is always NS PM :)
Mar 24 2011 7:52AM
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daskis
Posts: 1828 - Karma: 356
I just was reminded today of my favorite poem, called "Desiderata." It is a bit lengthy, but I thought I'd share, because it has helped me in the past.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Mar 24 2011 4:02PM
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monkatizer
Posts: 4704 - Karma: 1,518
man i feel u! it sucks when somone u knew or was close to you dies! i have only been thru this once, with somone i just knew and wasnt all that close to. she died on friday 3/18/11 from bacterial meningitis, she was only a sophmore at pittsford mendon highschool. she was an amazing person, everyone who ever knew her loved her. R.I.P. Molly Thomas
check my sig
Mar 24 2011 4:27PM
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monkatizer
Posts: 4704 - Karma: 1,518
dont let this song relate to you! but listen to it, and if u think about that again just listen to this song, it will help you







sry for dub
Mar 24 2011 4:31PM
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EmperorKuzco
Posts: 6660 - Karma: 254
Ya that's life man, they're going to a better place, I think the mexicans are treating a death the best and that is to celebrate the life they lived
Mar 24 2011 4:48PM
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pelle_munch
Posts: 4110 - Karma: 503
damn dude.. shit sucks. life has its hard times but man just look at the bright side.. skiing, music, friends, NS, we're all here for you bro. just keep on shreddin to some good ass music and you'll pull through
Mar 24 2011 5:07PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
Bellingham.
Mar 27 2011 10:50PM
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plaire
Posts: 161 - Karma: 29
 
Apr 13 2011 5:50PM
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Raz.
Posts: 7456 - Karma: 1,611
am i the only one who doesnt see anything?
Apr 13 2011 6:10PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
No, you are not the only one.
Apr 13 2011 6:12PM
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Anathema
Posts: 21048 - Karma: 5,061
and the only people you have to tell this story to is random kids on the internet? dude, if you're going to make it sound like you're suicidal and seriously need help, i don't think newschoolers is the place to do it. do you? go tell somebody who can truly make a difference in your life. all the internet is good for is random lulz and mouthing off. talk to a shrink and see if you can find the root of your troubles and tackle them. don't just sit at your computer desk and rot away from the inside out.
Apr 13 2011 6:16PM
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Mr.Panda
Posts: 17711 - Karma: 564
I don't have the cash to go to a shrink and don't want to. I have tried it before, it didn't fucking work.

The shrink just pissed me off and I ended up destroying their office.
Apr 13 2011 6:20PM
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Anathema
Posts: 21048 - Karma: 5,061
well i really dont know what to tell you. if you're emotionally unstable and on a hair trigger, beware the internet crowd. but yeah, best of luck to ya. i'd do what i can to empathize with you but i do what i can to keep personal struggles personal. plus, what's the point, we'll never see eye to eye. just realize that there's always something better out there. you just gotta find it. somewhere, there's a girl who will save you, or a trip that'll make you appreciate the simpler things and see things from a new perspective. be optimistic.
Apr 13 2011 6:25PM
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*simba*
Posts: 9125 - Karma: 512
wah
Apr 13 2011 6:30PM
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.travis.
Posts: 1737 - Karma: 46
I know this is going to come across as me being a dickhead, but it's not intended that way...

The thing about grandparents is they die. That's like kinda what they do. They're around for a while and then the die. Taking your own life is NEVER the way out and is honestly, in my opinion, a cowards way out. Life can be a bitch and can deal out a lot of shit, the more shit you learn to deal with will make you a better, stronger person.

Don't dwell on these things man. Be happy they made it for as long as they did and that you got the chance to be around such great people. Live your life in a way that would make them proud. Do fun things. Be a good person. Live your life they way they probably wish they had lived theirs. When I'm feeling down I make it a point go plan something for days I have nothing to do. Wake up excited for the day and go do something!
Good luck to you man. Read this thread for motivation...
https://newschoolers.com/ns/cult/forumthread/thread_id/575370/
Apr 13 2011 6:33PM
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