Part 1: Pre-Game
Getting started: If you are making the game, under no circumstance should you make it a non-"Hunters" map. Doing otherwise will result in shattered dreams of "what could have been but will never be." Since 99% of all Starcraft gamers are either Korean or mentally retarded (or both), "Hunters" is the only map which their puerile minds can comprehend. "Hunters" is the best map, after all, since everyone plays it. If you fail at making a "Hunters" map, try the next overly played one there is, such as "Lost Temple" or "Dire Straights", because picking an original map means you don't understand the intricacies of the game, no one will want to be your partner, and you will most likely die of brain cancer within a month.
In the pre-game chat room, make sure to use the "caps lock" key and speak in fragmented sentences. Talking in complete sentences will scare your opponents into thinking you are a military strategic genius and they will immediately leave. Also, make sure to type the words "gl" and "hf" as the timer is counting down. They stand for "good lubricant" and "helpless frogs," which are references to teenage sexual experimentation. This makes you look "cool" and "down with it."
BONUS TIP: To really fit in to the Starcraft crowd, before sending a message, take all the words and rearrange them in new and exciting locations. For example, the boring old:
"Hello, would you like to play a game of Starcraft?"
can easily become:
"GAME TO OF HELLO STARCRAFT YOU LIKE WOULD TO PLAY? GROUTY!"
(note: the nonsensical word "GROUTY" was thrown in to add a touch of "realism" to the sentence)
Part 2: During-Game
At the start of the game, immediately tell your ally to rush. As we all know, rushing means you have "L33t haxor skillz" and your penis is larger than most other males. If you realize your ally is a newbie or someone of lesser skill, feel free to chastise him for it; he won't get better at Starcraft unless someone tells him how much he sucks. On the other hand, if your opponents are newbies, feel free to make fun of them as well. Since you are a better player, God loves you more and you will take the throne as the next king of the world.
Since you are most likely playing "Big Game Hunters" (which by the way, is much better than regular "Hunters" because the fact that it has only has one choke and unlimited money makes it a military strategists dream come true), it might be best to seal yourself in and go straight for Carriers or Battle Cruisers, depending on your race. Completely ignore worthless units like the Templar, Ghosts, and Defilers (since no one uses them, they're obviously the worst unit in the game). They have no function other than taking up valuable Vespene Gas that should be spent on the more effective Carriers and Cruisers.
Make mass units of one type, like Hydras, Dragoons, or Marines. Making more than one type of attack unit causes your computer to take longer processing what's going on, allow you to die easier.
Never expand. This is the best strategy for the top players. Maps like BGH take advantage of this well-known recipe for success by giving you unlimited resources. If your partner wants to expand, try to dissuade him from doing so. If he insists, un-ally him and kill him since he is ruining one of the foundations of Starcraft.
Part 3: Post-Game After you win, make sure your opponent knows you were victorious, since sometimes players don't realize who won or lost. Telling him how badly you won or how crappy he is will make you a better person too. After all, if a game like Starcraft can't predict how great a person you are, what in the world possibly can? Make sure to use obscenities and references to the other player's mothers when you are telling them how perfect you are as well. These are the calling cards of winners, my friends. By the time you are done thoroughly humiliating your opponent(s), the whole Starcraft community and Blizzard themselves will reward you with monetary prizes and porn of Kerrigan (before AND after she turned into a Zerg).
There are certain race imbalances in Starcraft, use these to your advantage. For example, Terrans can use the combo of Marines and Tanks especially well against a Zerg, a Zerg can use Zerglings against another Zergs' Hydras, and a Protoss will kill anyone regardless of race or strategy.
If you join a 2v2 game and you see your partner's record is something like 1-1-0, he sucks and you should immediately leave. Don't even consider the possibility that he has a new account. The record is the best way to determine how good a player is, and that guy must be a newbie. The best way to build up your record is to play "7V1 COMP BGH RUSH RUSH RUSH!!!" That way, everyone will think you're good and will want to be your partner. Also, if the leader of the game strays from the standard "tvb" rule, he must be cheating or have some shred of intelligence, so it's best to leave.
When deciding on an account name, make sure to make it sound intimidating. Good examples are "Cloud4357," "Sephiroth8912," "DeathAngelofDeath," "AngelDeathDeathof," and "KathyLeeGifford." Bad examples are "MyMomWipesMyAss4Me," "EatABagofHell," and "Hakan."
If you are currently in a game and everything is not going EXACTLY how you want it, feel free to leave, especially if you have a partner. If one attack fails, that's a good indicator that everything will come crashing down, you don't stand any chance of winning, and the other players will come to your house and rape your mother.
If you decide to try a use map settings map, only join those titled "TEMPLAR MADNESS V.4234!!!!" or something similar. Any map that took comprehension above the level of a partially aborted fetus to make must be too complicated and intense to understand, so don't even try to play it. Madness maps are the best because sending large waves of units, that takes no skill in making, to attack even more large waves of enemies really show who the better player is.
If you challenge someone to a 1v1 game in a channel and they decline, they must have a really small penis or man-breasts. Try to make fun of them and get other people in the other channel on your side. If you can convince the other people in the channel how cool you are and how wussy the other guy is, your life will have meaning and everyone from there-forth will want to be your friend. Here is an example of what I mean:
Annihilator: Esthar! 1v1 me!
Esthar: You go ahead, I'm masturbating to the ad banners right now.
Annihilator: WTF?!?! YOU MUST SUCK< ONLY SUCKY PLAYERS DONT 1v1!!!1
Esthar: You're distracting my concentration! They just asked, "What is the capitol of Tristram?" and I missed it!
Annihilator: HEY KOJAK< ISNT THIS GUY A LOOSER?!?!11
Kojak: hahaha yes he is you are so k3wl annihilator :o
Esthar: Stoppit! You're making me cry, I usually don't cry until AFTER I masturbate!
Annihilator: HAHAHA< YOURE RECORD SUCKS< MY RECORD OF 789-2-145 MAKES ME COOL
Kojak: oh annihilator your the greatest :o
Here are some new vocabulary, all of which are heavy sexual inuendo:
Chobo: The person who said this is currently having sex with a Chocobo, best known for its role in the Final Fantasy series.
Turbo Newbie: The person who said this is currently having sex with a newbie (and really fast too!)
Gosu: This stands for "Got Object Stuck in anUs."
I hope this guide has helped all you fledgling wannabe's out there. It was exhaustively researched and cost the lives of millions of Koreans. Keep your head up and reach for the stars!
