It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, LILBLASTER, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly stunned, LILBLASTER stroked a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved PENIS was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, LLCOOLJAY. LILBLASTER had known LLCOOLJAY for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. LLCOOLJAY was unique. He was easygoing though sometimes a little... abrasive. LILBLASTER called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
LLCOOLJAY picked up to a very ecstatic LILBLASTER. LLCOOLJAY calmly assured him that most albino cats cringe before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually exotically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting LILBLASTER. Why was LLCOOLJAY trying to distract LILBLASTER? Because he had snuck out from LILBLASTER's with the PENIS only three days prior. It was a enticing little PENIS... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before LILBLASTER got back to the subject at hand: his PENIS. LLCOOLJAY sighed. Relunctantly, LLCOOLJAY invited him over, assuring him they'd find the PENIS. LILBLASTER grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, LLCOOLJAY realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the PENIS and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if LILBLASTER took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least six minutes before LILBLASTER would get there. But if he took the PIMP MOBILE? Then LLCOOLJAY would be exceedingly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, LLCOOLJAY was interrupted by three abrasive ROOSTERs that were lured by his PENIS. LLCOOLJAY sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling relieved, he aimlessly reached for his gerbil and randomly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the PIMP MOBILE rolling up. It was LILBLASTER.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a skillful leap, LILBLASTER was out of the PIMP MOBILE and went surreptitiously jaunting toward LLCOOLJAY's front door. Meanwhile inside, LLCOOLJAY was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the PENIS into a box of bananas and then slid the box behind his time machine. LLCOOLJAY was stunned but at least the PENIS was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' LLCOOLJAY surreptitiously purred. With a hasty push, LILBLASTER opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some funny-smelling noble genius in a neighborhood-terrorizing crotch rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' LLCOOLJAY assured him. LILBLASTER took a seat hilariously close to where LLCOOLJAY had hidden the PENIS. LLCOOLJAY panicked trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But LILBLASTER was distracted. Giggling like schoolgirl, LLCOOLJAY noticed a clueless look on LILBLASTER's face. LILBLASTER slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
LLCOOLJAY felt a stabbing pain in his taint when LILBLASTER asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the PENIS right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on LILBLASTER's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's gerbils from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. LILBLASTER nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before LLCOOLJAY could react, LILBLASTER skillfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The PENIS was plainly in view.
LILBLASTER stared at LLCOOLJAY for what what must've been two minutes. Ever so extemperaneously, LLCOOLJAY groped exotically in LILBLASTER's direction, clearly desperate. LILBLASTER grabbed the PENIS and bolted for the door. It was locked. LLCOOLJAY let out a striking chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, LILBLASTER,' he rebuked. LLCOOLJAY always had been a little dimwitted, so LILBLASTER knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before LLCOOLJAY did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at him or something. A few freaknasty minutes later, he gripped his PENIS tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
LLCOOLJAY looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from LILBLASTER. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for LILBLASTER. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. LLCOOLJAY walked over to the window and looked down. LILBLASTER was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, LILBLASTER was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind LLCOOLJAY's place. LILBLASTER had severely hurt his prostate during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral ROOSTERs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the PENIS. One by one they latched on to LILBLASTER. Already weakened from his injury, LILBLASTER yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of ROOSTERs running off with his PENIS.
About seven hours later, LILBLASTER awoke, his kidney throbbing. It was dark and LILBLASTER did not know where he was. Deep in the arid swamp, LILBLASTER was exceedingly lost. Giggling like schoolgirl, he remembered that his PENIS was taken by the ROOSTERs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big ROOSTER emerged from the imaginery desert. It was the alpha ROOSTER. LILBLASTER opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the ROOSTER sunk its teeth into LILBLASTER's armpit. With a faint groan, the life escaped from LILBLASTER's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than seven miles away, LLCOOLJAY was entombed by anguish over the loss of the PENIS. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a skillful thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about LILBLASTER... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the PENIS that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant ROOSTERs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
