Eminem and What he has done to Music

link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/36670

I'm Going to Stab Eminem in the Ear with a Screwdriver

I would have posted this earlier, but I fell asleep and I was not awakened when I gave orders for awakening. Let's begin.

There is a cancer in the music industry and his name is Marshall Mathers. His rap moniker? Eminem, also known as Slim Shady.

Thanks to this man, the music industry is being destroyed and musical atrocities such as Fifty Cent, G-Unit, and D-12 are being forced upon us like advertisements for the WNBA. Why? Because they're his friends.

It is my belief that just because people happen to be chummy with one another does not mean they should ever be allowed to make music. Fifty Cent, in particluar, is such an abomination that he shouldn't even be allowed to listen to the radio, let alone rap (mumble) on it.

If it were up to me, Mr. Cent would be strapped into a chair and forced to listen to Beethoven's 9th Symphony while Malcolm McDowell read from a dictionary. Then at the end of each day, Malcolm would tell him: 'You're not cured yet boy.'

(In case you're keeping score at home, that's two 'A Clockwork Orange' references already in this article if you include the title. Vegas odds are 3-1 that I can make it to five. Any takers?)

But I've become sidetracked. This article is not about the overwhelming hatred I possess for Fifty Cent or my affinity for Malcolm McDowell and 'A Clockwork Orange.' This is about Eminem and his blatant anal-raping of the music industry.

I won't be surprised if Eminem eventually signs his former-roommate 'Crack-head Charlie' to a multi-million dollar record deal. I can see Crack-head's first single ('I'll Suck a Dick for a Rock') climbing to number one on the TRL countdown while seven-hundred Idiot Teenagers stand outside the New York studio screaming his name and wearing his t-shirt.

The sound you hear is five thousand pissed-off Idiot Teenagers furiously typing a response.

'but dood, eminem rox and those guyz r his friends and he has his pwn reckord label!! that means he kan du what he want so don't mess with him or ill kick ur ass!!! oh and ur gay LOL!!!1'

When typing like an Idiot Teenager, one must not forget to add the 'you're gay' comment. Any self-respecting Idiot Teenager wouldn't be caught dead without some variation of it in their repertoire. It's like a white-trash yokel without a mullet, it's just not right. Let's move on.

Now I'll admit that Eminem can indeed do whatever the hell he wants. That's what happens when you're a multi-millionaire, you can do whatever you want and many of your fans will stand by you.

**cough** Blink182 **cough**

That, however is the point. I don't invite my friends onto my beloved Ubersite simply because I happen to be a card-carrying member. As much as I love my friends, I know they wouldn't do well here. I am aware that while they may be talented at many things, writing is not one of them. They're not bad people, just bad writers.

The same could be said about Eminem's 'prodigies.' The songs these 'rappers' produce are the musical equivalent of a four year old with cerebral palsy putting a sock over his hand and mashing the keys of a piano for five minutes. It's just wrong on entirely too many levels.

Don't misunderstand me, you can easily get a good laugh at their expense. When a thirty year old man mispronounces the word similar, then goes on to call himself a genius two verses later, it's the highest of unintentional comedy; however, after a while, it gets old. Someone eventually needs to make them stop.

It's apparent that Eminem will not be satisfied until every person living in (or around) the city of Detroit has a record contract. This can not be allowed to happen. Someone desperately needs to step in and do something. I am that person.

Today, I was in my friend's garage helping him set up a dart board. As we were finishing up, I noticed there was a screwdriver on the workbench next to the door. It was then that I had an epiphany. The answer to the problem was as clear as an azure sky of deepest summer: ultraviolence.

All it takes is one screwdriver in the ear for Eminem to become a 'victim of the modern age.'

I'm not sure when this will happen, but you can reply on me. For now it's off to the milk bar.

Cheers.