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Sex Lolz... Whatcha got?

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Huck_Norris
Posts: 11487 - Karma: 18,627

First off, if you post in this thread IT MUST BE A TRUE STORY ABOUT YOU.  No reposts from some random person you know's trip to Cancun from last spring break, etc.  If you do this, you will be zipped naked into a sleeping bag with ECB and his cousin.  The fat one. 

I'll start with one I posted up on TGR a while back and seeing some of the sex ROTFLcopters around here, I figured you NSers are ready for a tiny glimpse inside my life.  If the masses like it, I've got more.   

So a couple weeks ago I'm at a really good friend's bachelor party. Absolute mayhem, went from gun range>bars>strip club>hotel rooms to meet up with the girls in the wedding party and got ABSOLUTELY SHITFACED. At some point, I passed out while partying in the hotel and was apparently helped to a bed. Well next thing I know, I wake up to getting a fkn tug job! I opened my eyes and realized I had no idea where I was and it was really total darkness, so I couldn't even see who had their hand down my pants shakeweightin' my johnson. "Huh? Who...  Who is that?" I ask, confused yet obviously not wanting to interrupt the rhythm. "It's Jill- hope you don't mind, I kinda just helped myself since you're in my bed" (jill is a cute friend of mine I used to hook up with from waaaaay back) I reply with a chuckle, reach over to my pantalons and grab a rubber, get it put on and start taking that meatwallet's lunch money... I mean shit talking, ass-smacking, hair pulling, really hard & loud "clapper" fucking etc... Really pretty awesome. When I finish I pull the fucker off and being in a hotel room, I tied the bitch off and tossed it wherever.

"AW WHAT THE FUCK!?!???" I hear from the darkness...

I click on the light next to the bed and wouldn't ya know it- unbeknownst to me there were about eight people passed out everywhere in the room- floor, chairs, bed, etc... and I just hit one that was passed out on the floor RIGHT IN THE FACE and he was all "pbbbbbthpbppbpbbpbthhh...". So six of my friends probably listened to us loudly try to break each other's genitals, then saw the lulz unfurl when somebody caught a jizz balloon in the face. Classic.

GO!


Oct 27 2010 3:44PM
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SlimDunkin.
Posts: 2065 - Karma: 361
i saw the title and knew it was a repost, im not generally a searchbar nazi but for real? jesus christ your stupidity make me giggle...
Oct 27 2010 3:46PM
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Travapple.
Posts: 6787 - Karma: 88
hahahaha. thats hilarious!
Oct 27 2010 3:47PM
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Oh_So_Hyphy
Posts: 870 - Karma: 15
.
Oct 27 2010 3:48PM
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.josh.
Posts: 600 - Karma: 18
inb4 story about guy shitting on his girlfriend in bed.
Oct 27 2010 3:50PM
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.frenchy
Posts: 18221 - Karma: 12,319
Hahaha, that's awsome, sucks for the guy with another mans jizz on his face though!
Oct 27 2010 3:51PM
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dex.
Posts: 2973 - Karma: 62
well he said he tied it off, so technically the guy just got random vagina juice on him. still gross though
Oct 27 2010 3:53PM
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ECB
Posts: 6991 - Karma: 622
Who the fuck are you?
Did I give you permission to talk about me?
And she's not fat......
Oct 27 2010 3:53PM
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reverendwrong
Posts: 3145 - Karma: 142
first stage is denial
Oct 27 2010 3:58PM
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Huck_Norris
Posts: 11487 - Karma: 18,627

I am DoWorkSon

No, I just though of the most horrible thing NS-related I could imagine, and just typed that.  You're welcome. 

Yes she is. 

Oct 27 2010 3:58PM
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1337
Posts: 31053 - Karma: 29,231
you sir, did work.
Oct 27 2010 4:01PM
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Huck_Norris
Posts: 11487 - Karma: 18,627

Sorry Hitler, all the sex lol threads I could find were littered with regurgitated and old-as-fuck Tucker Max stories or shit-harpoon BJ retellings, the latter of which are clearly horseshit as everyone knows no girl is gonna go for the finger in the butt the first time she sucks a dick.  This is slightly different- only firsthand accounts of funny shit, not stupid asinine virals you saw last week on FB. 

So if YOU have anything hilarious that has happened to YOU, post away.  If you read something from elsewhere, DON'T FUCKING POST IT HERE! 

Oct 27 2010 4:05PM
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J-Evs
Posts: 6387 - Karma: 1,615
hahahahahah
Oct 27 2010 4:05PM
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I_Am_Mod
Posts: 13214 - Karma: 3,753
epic story son!
i bet your dad is proud of you!

here's mine, it's a long one and i already posted it on here in some other threads, so i copy pasted it...

it's not about me, but a friend of mine and i can vouch that it's a true story....

okey, this story happened to a friend of mine, max

max is 3y older than me, he was in his 2nd year of college when this sory happened.

So, Max is a really chill guy, always in for a party, sometimes a bit too wasted but never over the top, until this happened...

Max was hitting on this girl for some time now (don't remember her real name) , they both were at a party and got fairly wasted.
So wasted that the girl had to take max to her place and put him to sleep in her bed. While max was sleeping in bed with this girl he had a dream,( i am not kidding!), about a toilet.
Max dreamed about having a shit on a toilet!
-So you can already feel what is coming dont ya?
Max woke up and yes, it had happened, he had crapped all over the bed!
the sheets, the pillow, even on the girl! Luckily for max the girl was still sleeping.

Now the amazing part comes; Max, still half drunk comes up with the most amazing and daring plan i've ever heard in my whole life! Max takes some of his poo and rubs it very carefully in the girl's buttcrack, then he takes his cloths and freshens himself up in the bathroom (girl is still asleep)
when he comes back into the bedroom he writes a post-it note saying;
"WTF is wrong with you!? you're a sick bitch, i never want to see you again!"

and leaves...



You can imagine how the story continues....

for 3 years this girl was called "kak wijf" (roughly translated "the poo-bitch")!
and everyone, even max's closest friends believed every word of this story, until one day max got drunk and started talking to his friends...

long story short, eventually the girl heard what really had happened and punched my friend max a black eye at his birthday party!

until today what max did is the most badass thing i've ever heard a man do!
Oct 27 2010 4:10PM
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Huck_Norris
Posts: 11487 - Karma: 18,627

Obvious troll is obvious...   

Oct 27 2010 4:13PM
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I_Am_Mod
Posts: 13214 - Karma: 3,753
nope, it's actually true :D
Oct 27 2010 4:19PM
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SlimDunkin.
Posts: 2065 - Karma: 361
awww, someone seems a little butthurt, did i touch a nerve, i did you the common decency of pointing out your stupidity and the fact you have reposted before a bunch of worthless prepubescent 12 year olds did, so in reality you hsould be thanking me
Oct 27 2010 4:26PM
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SlimDunkin.
Posts: 2065 - Karma: 361
awww, someone seems a little butthurt, did i touch a nerve, i did you the common decency of pointing out your stupidity and the fact you have reposted before a bunch of worthless prepubescent 12 year olds did, so in reality you hsould be thanking me
Oct 27 2010 4:26PM
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JustDidIt
Posts: 2194 - Karma: 160
fuck you

Click for larger image

Click for larger image

you're so much older than those "prepubescent 12 year olds"
stop trying to be an internet tough guy
Oct 27 2010 4:55PM
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ORDEAL
Posts: 6386 - Karma: 75
well thats embarrassing.
Oct 27 2010 5:01PM
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snowking249
Posts: 1452 - Karma: 34
Both of those stories just made me laugh for a good minute each
Oct 27 2010 5:05PM
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SlimDunkin.
Posts: 2065 - Karma: 361
no internet tough guy here, stop trying to be the "mature" one and act like your so much better then everyone else, im sure your just a little 14 year old sitting behind your computer acting like an arrogant asswhipe
Oct 27 2010 5:31PM
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maximiliaan
Posts: 7711 - Karma: 2,857
ok i really never pooped in bed....
Oct 27 2010 5:56PM
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JustDidIt
Posts: 2194 - Karma: 160
what is it with the age insults? jesus. you're like 15 and are acting like a big shot causing meaningless trouble on this guys thread. you're obviously a virgin so maybe you're just a little upset about this thread
Oct 27 2010 6:28PM
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SlimDunkin.
Posts: 2065 - Karma: 361
if 17 is the new 15, then ya im 15 and why so defensive over me being a virgin, your probably the virgin, anyone ive decided to no longer waste my time arguing with you
kthxbai
Oct 27 2010 6:34PM
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theWIZARD
Posts: 935 - Karma: 76
hahahaha legit
Oct 27 2010 6:39PM
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Huck_Norris
Posts: 11487 - Karma: 18,627
Aw, man... Now I feel bad for almost arguing with a poor retarded kid.

+++vibes little dude! Stay strong!
Oct 27 2010 6:39PM
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Mr.Luke
Posts: 2441 - Karma: 166
well with the amount of alcohal that had been induced by that guy hit in the face with the jizz balloon, I'm sure he will not remember that. Unless he's an alcohal superhero who sobers up within 4 hours. Oooooh, we might never know
Oct 27 2010 6:41PM
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Rob~
Posts: 143 - Karma: 16

This is not my story, but it is epic.

A mate, on 99 birds shagged, takes back a girl he'd been for drinks with. We (his housemates) all hide behind furniture in the living room when he came back. He starts his foreplay and asks her if she'd mind if he wore cricket gloves whilst they had sex, since it was a bit of a fetish thing for him. She looked confused but said fine, he goes into bag and puts them on. Then asks if he can wear pads, then finally a helmet. Fully padded up, proceeds to enter her and after about 3 minutes (LAD) comes, flicks on the main light switch. We all pop up from behind the sofa with rousing applause and cries of 'THATS THE CENTURY!!', he grabs his cricket bat, removes his helmet and acknowledges the crowd. She bursts into tears, dresses quickly and runs out of the front door. She left her pants. LAD

For more banterful stories go to http://www.truelad.com/donlad.php

Oct 27 2010 6:52PM
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ORDEAL
Posts: 6386 - Karma: 75
where did he go?
Oct 27 2010 7:03PM
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dmc12380
Posts: 3545 - Karma: 792
"tug job"
"shake weightin' my johnson"
"I started taking that meat wallets lunch money."

Hahahahahaahaah
Oct 27 2010 8:05PM
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Huck_Norris
Posts: 11487 - Karma: 18,627
I definitely should use "whilst" more often.

Does "99 birds shagged" mean drunk as fuck or is that a booze I have yet to try?

Oct 27 2010 10:45PM
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