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a poem

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linemaverick540
Posts: 4017 - Karma: 8
i wrote this poem and thought it was decent. Constructive criticism is welcome, all else will be ignored so save your time and look into another thread

Wake up
Look at the clock
The red lights read 12
Roll out of bed
Look out the window
People are in a hurry down below
Little worker ants serving the world
But what good is it?
Their insignificant being will end shortly
A rap on the door brings me back
It’s the landlord
The rents do but I don’t have it
Third time in a row and Im out
Grab a blanket and my prized possession
My guitar
I take to the streets and find a nice alley
Leave the blanket take the guitar
On the streets I sing
I sing a song of love
I sing a song of life
People cry and people listen
My words touch their souls
As night approaches, I retreat to my so called home
There I sleep wearing only the clothes on my back
A blanket and a smile
People think im lonely
People think im sad
What they don’t know is that im living my dream
I am able to touch them with my words
With these thoughts in my head I fall asleep



member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
Apr 27 2004 8:40PM
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CameIToeJam
Posts: 1468 - Karma: 11
the idea is good but it really seems to jagged for a story poem



-Craig

the challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else
Apr 27 2004 8:42PM
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Sinister
Posts: 1456 - Karma: 10
Is that how you live?I guess not,but anyways,it was damn good(my opinion.)I really liked it.I've seen waaay worse shit.
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Proudly defending the right of being a Spaniard.Hell yeah!
Apr 27 2004 8:42PM
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linemaverick540
Posts: 4017 - Karma: 8
yea when i write, i have A.D.D. and just conpletly change topics. i think its unique but i can see where a lot of people wouldnt like it and im not even sure if i like it. ill try and smooth it out.

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
Apr 27 2004 8:44PM
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freeride1260
Posts: 1337 - Karma: 11
hell yea dude thas pretty sweet, thats the one you started to write as a song for me kinda, all I gotta do is fix it up a little to fit the music and make it smoother and it will make a pretty sweet song im thinkin... its a good poem i like it


Anti-Flag

-Whats so fucking wrong, and whats so anti-establishment about the idea of peace? Why is wanting to know the truth so anti establishment?

These aren't anti-establishment ideas, these are Pro fucking peace ideas-




all girls should swallow and enjoy anal sex - Lateralis


Apr 27 2004 8:45PM
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linemaverick540
Posts: 4017 - Karma: 8
thanks, just getting other opinions. i used to hate writing but then i tried doing it for me and not for school. its fun trying to put thoughts onto paper.

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
Apr 27 2004 8:46PM
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IrishDrink87
Posts: 1568 - Karma: 17
thats wonderful. 'rap' is spelled 'rape' and i was thinking you could say the 'raping on the door' or something. some words i thought could be changed to more thought provoking words that could keep the reader more interested. but i love it



I dont want a large Farva!
Apr 27 2004 8:48PM
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hoodratz47
Posts: 12020 - Karma: 9,475
'you must seek therapy? that's what i would go wiht.'!


''''''''''''''''''''
give american girls alcohol and theyll do anything, they turn into raging sluts who freak out when they see a cock and just have to gobble it down.............and thats the way girls should be. Lateralis
Apr 27 2004 8:50PM
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*ELLA*
Posts: 1628 - Karma: 11
i thought it was really good.... except you spelled 'due' wrong... in the part about the rent
~Ella

Messed knees for life

*skiing isn't a sport, it's a lifestyle*

Ella and Lauren: changing teenaged boys lives since 2001.
Apr 27 2004 8:50PM
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P-JO
Posts: 6853 - Karma: 75
Your peom just sort of stated the facts and did not flow at all. I like a poem with a hidden meaning, symbol, metaphor, connotation, or some message that really makes me think or effects thier life. Good try though, at least you didn't feel the need to rhyme.




1080 boots for sale!

-Pat
Apr 27 2004 8:59PM
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alpinecowboy84
Posts: 3120 - Karma: 25
honestly this isn't meant to be hurtful, but i thought it was pretty cheesy. worker ants? that analogy is not the slightest bit original. if you're going to write a poem that sticks it to the bump and grind of capitalism, then i suggest you do it in a less obvious form. you have to realize that a million billion people have written poems like this, sit down and reconstruct what you want to say in a different set of words and stanzas. i also suggest that you modify your selection of lines with few words - those should be utilized to make a dramatic point.

we got it nice nice nice
Apr 27 2004 9:00PM
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ScratchCobra66
Posts: 3688 - Karma: 11
ADD blows asshole, after awhile peopel start to think your crazy.



Farp for Life.


'Id like to please ask our contestants to refrain from using ethnic slurrs, ok so on with the show, here we have Mr. Connery wi...'
'You think your so smart Alex Trebek with your Greasy hair and your Dego mustache.'
'what did i just say about ethnic slurrs!?'
Apr 27 2004 9:03PM
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P-JO
Posts: 6853 - Karma: 75
Here is a quality poem my friend. Cherish it. Learn from it. Thank Shakespeiere for it.


Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle.
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
(V.v.18–27)




1080 boots for sale!

-Pat
Apr 27 2004 9:12PM
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freeride1260
Posts: 1337 - Karma: 11
most of the above is good constructive criticism... try to learn from it, come to think of it I agree with most of it... and also I think the ending leaves much to be desired


Anti-Flag

-Whats so fucking wrong, and whats so anti-establishment about the idea of peace? Why is wanting to know the truth so anti establishment?

These aren't anti-establishment ideas, these are Pro fucking peace ideas-




all girls should swallow and enjoy anal sex - Lateralis


Apr 27 2004 9:17PM
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P-JO
Posts: 6853 - Karma: 75
I just made this peom in my head, learn from it.

Endeavor brings me on the go
Endeavor makes me snort some blow
Endeavor leaves me in the dark
Endeavor gets me robbed in the park
Endeavor never leaves me alone
Endeavor is my illegitmate clone
Endeavor is always over my shoulder
Endeavor just got smashed by a boulder
Endeavor was my only dog
Endeavor now looks like a pog


Bahaha.. Its MEANINGFULL.. learn from it!!!




1080 boots for sale!

-Pat
Apr 27 2004 9:24PM
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kjfreerider
Posts: 2495 - Karma: 14
to bad about your dog dude



Member Since 2003-01-15
Member Number 13501
dont get it twisted
Apr 27 2004 9:34PM
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mattster
Posts: 4120 - Karma: 41
deep
************************************************************
-Matt

my one friend was pushed into a pole and he riped his sack open on impact now we call him stitchie

What our sport needs is love, not everyone trying to be cooler than each other.-skimack
Apr 27 2004 9:54PM
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KootenayGuy
Posts: 1075 - Karma: 10
'ATTENTION ALL PLANETS OF THE SOLAR FEDERATION, WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL.'
A Jam a day keeps the doctor away.
Apr 27 2004 11:26PM
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mg.
Posts: 752 - Karma: 74
cool
........HAK........




Apr 27 2004 11:27PM
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joei
Posts: 2141 - Karma: 20
i like the ending

and are you really homeless?


-----------------------------
-Joei

[free us from this]
Apr 27 2004 11:39PM
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freeskiBC
Posts: 807 - Karma: 10
i liked it
______________________________________
^^ Lumpy ^^

You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now.

We're just two lost souls swimmin in a fish bowl, year after year. Runnin' over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.
Apr 27 2004 11:59PM
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linemaverick540
Posts: 4017 - Karma: 8
agreed there was no hidden mesage and i made a few typos but i was just going with it, no making it al grammatical. also, it was meant to be a poem about capitolism. just a poor guy with no job who is still happy. i guess the deepest thing i can come up with is that money isnt everything. thanks for the comments though.. it may seem like im disagreeing but i appreciate it.

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
Apr 28 2004 2:39PM
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linemaverick540
Posts: 4017 - Karma: 8
if you were serious P-JO, about that last poem.. i dont like it at all. sorry man

member5054

VIVA LA RESISTANCE
Apr 28 2004 5:50PM
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P-JO
Posts: 6853 - Karma: 75
if you noticed my last line was endeavor looks like a pog. A POG!!!!

no i just thought of it while reading your peom.




1080 boots for sale!

-Pat
Apr 28 2004 8:04PM
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razzy53717
Posts: 163 - Karma: 10
liked it

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-(. | .)
---).(
--( v )
Apr 28 2004 10:31PM
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