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How important is eye contact when establishing people skills

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the604
Posts: 1067 - Karma: 10
I'm done trolling everyone, this is a serious thread.
Trolling days are over for me.

On topic.

I have a problem of not giving much eye contact to people I'm around or meet, and it has hindered my people skills and disabled me from having as many friends as I could have.
(Atleast this is my philosophy)

I think when eye contact is given, a subliminal message is sent to the other person, telling them you approve of them and respect them. Without the right amount of held eye contact, people may think you don't respect them, are too nervous, or other reasons, and choose not to be friends with you.
These are just my findings, and lately I had an epiphany to why people didn't really like me that much (in real life).

My goal in my life right now is to improve my people skills, learn how to hold eye contact without feeling anxiety or like looking someone in the eyes is a bad thing, and is a threat, which for some reason I've come to associate it as.

It's going to be a long and hard process for me to overcome these habits but I want to become a better, more well-liked, and enjoyable person to be around. These are my first steps, in a long learning process.

no_steeze, big_spence, mrstskier, anyone else i was retarded and trolling and being stupid to, i apologize.

Some of you may not think this is thread worthy, but I would like to see this as a reminder so that everytime I log onto NS, it will be in my threads and I can remember what I need to be working on, and doing in my life.



Now is your turn.. discuss the topic
Aug 19 2010 12:43AM
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0ptions
Posts: 2198 - Karma: 60
Is it really a question? If you're not making eye contact with me im not having a conversation with you.
Aug 19 2010 12:44AM
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.AR6rider.
Posts: 15976 - Karma: 8,799
You should always keep eye contact with someone you're talking to.  However, not sure if it's true, but I read somewhere that if you're talking to someone who is your superior you're supposed to avert your eyes every once in a while to show that you know they are your superior.  Anyways, eye contact is always a good thing.
Aug 19 2010 12:45AM
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thugaim
Posts: 2181 - Karma: 33
Ladies Men is the place to go for this sort of stuff... Or the Non-Ladies Men Related cult...


Aug 19 2010 12:47AM
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Bob_Loblaw
Posts: 8384 - Karma: 38
Think about it this way. What would you think of someone who when talking is constantly looking at their feet, nervously averting their eyes? They just come off as a socially awkward pussy. Eye contact is just self-confidence. Don't have it? Then fake it. It'll grow.
Aug 19 2010 12:51AM
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HIT
Posts: 3524 - Karma: 4,996

This has nothing to do with women, he means with people in general, even guys in his class.



He's my brother, and he's seriously got like 1 friend.

Atleast he realized what he needed to fix in his life.
I'm proud of you bro, I'm bringing a beer to your room
Aug 19 2010 12:53AM
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Schlop
Posts: 3640 - Karma: 24
THIS. it helps.


also, when flirting with a girl / checking each out / a little bit of mutual eye-fucking, keep eye contact until THEY look away. Same reason as quoted
Aug 19 2010 12:55AM
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thugaim
Posts: 2181 - Karma: 33
Ladies Men is just an all-around good place to go for issues like this.
Aug 19 2010 12:56AM
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Schlop
Posts: 3640 - Karma: 24
It's like what the mods want NSG to be, with extra support with stuff like this
Aug 19 2010 12:58AM
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Benson23
Posts: 1713 - Karma: 15
eye contact and a good handshake are so key on first meetings. There not too hard to do, just work on it.
Aug 19 2010 12:59AM
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soulskier
Posts: 17806 - Karma: 3,841
i dont know, i've been raised to look someone in the eyes while talking and listening to them when someone doest make eye contact me i dont necessarilly feel disrespected i just assume they are shy
Aug 19 2010 1:00AM
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fdsa
Posts: 686 - Karma: 19
Having a lack of eye contact in conversation can send a number of messages, but none of them are good.

You are uncomfortable
You are lying
You are socially awkward
You find the other person ugly
You don't really want to talk to them

The list goes on. On the other hand, staring at people totally laser-focused can be weird too.

Just try to find a good balance. If it's really that hard at first, make a triangle of things, one above their head, one to the left of their eyes, and one to the right, and just make your eyes move around the triangle every 30 seconds or so. This is actually a fairly common public speaking tactic. Usually used on the context of crowds, but works with individuals too.
Aug 19 2010 1:01AM
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Shadows
Posts: 8068 - Karma: 43
socialized public speaking. read some books on it. i just got done reading larry king's book: how to talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

eye contact is important and i will somewhat agree with whoever said you need to show that your superior is in fact your superior but you can do this more effectively by conversing better and asking better questions than by averting your eyes somewhere else momentarily. losing eye contact no matter how you look at it with superiors mean youre not interested, youre submissive to the point of insecurity, or many other negative things. eye contact is only part of the equation. like i said its also the conversation. what questions you ask, how you ask them, what your tone is, what your environment is - many many things go into the act of a good conversation.
just keep eye contact. pay attention to what the other person is doing with eye contact. it can tell you the formality/informality of the conversation. body language as well. a lot of this stuff you have to play by ear which is why i say read up on it to get a good knowledge base. conversation is an art and if youre good at it you can do anything. literally.
Aug 19 2010 1:02AM
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Dainsey
Posts: 2263 - Karma: 378
bring one to my room too


and yes, i agree. it's EXTREMELY polite to make eye contact IMO. if people don't i feel like their insecure around me. and i dont like that
Aug 19 2010 1:03AM
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DrStrangelove
Posts: 1948 - Karma: 3
everyone will think youre gay or a serial killer...so just cut it out and start looking people in the eye already
Aug 19 2010 1:05AM
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freestyler540
Posts: 13106 - Karma: 18,906
 Eye contact is a good  start to your path to enlightenment. But, a great way to start relationships is by simply saying "hi". You can even do it on the streets, when you see people walk by, try greeting them. If both of you have time, ask them how they are doing. Greeting someone, even a perfect stranger, gives you a smile hence, making yourself look less self centered. Even more, greeting people increases your life span, it relieves stress and gives you more self confidence!

A second thing to remember is this quote: "A wise man listens, while a fool speaks" It means people love opening up. But, people dont like to listen...it takes effort and a lot of self control! Listening makes you intriguing and interesting. People subconsciously like a mysterious person, but not to extremes.

I found smiling helps a lot, "when you smile, the world smiles back". Smiling is a part of your charisma, and trust me people love charismatic people, when if you have nothing in common with the person. Smiling also disarms a person barrier, it shows trust and general radiance!

So start from there and see where it goes!
Aug 19 2010 1:07AM
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Schlop
Posts: 3640 - Karma: 24
word I'm gonna do this more, just for fun. Mostly just girls though.

I find when someone's talking to me that I don't respect, I purposely don't make eye contact with them, and even set up my body to not be facing them. I find I only do it if they're older than me, like say someone my parents' age.
Aug 19 2010 1:17AM
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DJohnson
Posts: 444 - Karma: 11
i do the same thing, i only pay close attention to stuff like making eye contact and a firm hand shake when ur meeting like parents friends or girlfriends parents
Aug 19 2010 1:40AM
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charmander
Posts: 10636 - Karma: 373
this haha

kinda

when you meet a girls parents, you'd best make a good impression, you're taking their daughter out, and you need to make it clear that you're a responsible young man that's gonna bring their girl home safe and sound.
Aug 19 2010 1:42AM
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soulskier
Posts: 17806 - Karma: 3,841
you need to at least create that illusion ^
Aug 19 2010 2:10AM
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DJohnson
Posts: 444 - Karma: 11
exactlyy
Aug 19 2010 2:12AM
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Uncle.Badness
Posts: 2545 - Karma: 55
Ladies men, but really I think eye contact is asserting control over the situation and making sure the other person truley acknowledges you.
Aug 19 2010 2:22AM
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Oreos
Posts: 1207 - Karma: 38
it's very important, simple as that. especially if you're in a formal meeting.

do it. they'll look away first, you then have control of the interaction, simples.
Aug 19 2010 5:06AM
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NS=NeverSucks
Posts: 256 - Karma: 17
Very important and hope you learn from your problem not giving people eye contact when you talk to them.
Aug 19 2010 5:10AM
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I_Am_Mod
Posts: 13214 - Karma: 3,753
i make a sport of it; i make so much eyecontact the other person eventually has to look somewhere else for a moment, you can get the upper hand in a conversation so easily, just by making a lot of eye contact, it's actually quite intimidating if someone stares directly into your eyes during a conversation....
Aug 19 2010 5:15AM
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feihlination
Posts: 8356 - Karma: 1,084
idk if that has been posted already, but looking at the base of the nose, right between the eyes helps a lot. its normally impossible for other persons to realize youre not looking at their eyes.

i had that same thing going on in hs, but since a few years i work in the outdoor-industry thingy, and noone wants a guide that cannot hold eye contact for two seconds.
Aug 19 2010 6:55AM
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