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JOKES

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freeride1260
Posts: 1337 - Karma: 11
- this is the thread where you can let everybody else hear (or read) your best or favorite jokes... so lets hear 'em


Anti-Flag

-Whats so fucking wrong, and whats so anti-establishment about the idea of peace? Why is wanting to know the truth so anti establishment?

These aren't anti-establishment ideas, these are Pro fucking peace ideas-




all girls should swallow and enjoy anal sex - Lateralis


Apr 22 2004 8:05PM
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hoodratz47
Posts: 12020 - Karma: 9,475
ummm... whatay call an ethiopian with a vaginal desises.... quater pounder with cheese..

where do you find a dog with no legs.... where you left it.


''''''''''''''''''''
give american girls alcohol and theyll do anything, they turn into raging sluts who freak out when they see a cock and just have to gobble it down.............and thats the way girls should be. Lateralis
Apr 22 2004 8:08PM
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freeride1260
Posts: 1337 - Karma: 11
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.'

She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?'

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, 'Here, iron this!'.



Anti-Flag

-Whats so fucking wrong, and whats so anti-establishment about the idea of peace? Why is wanting to know the truth so anti establishment?

These aren't anti-establishment ideas, these are Pro fucking peace ideas-




all girls should swallow and enjoy anal sex - Lateralis


Apr 22 2004 8:22PM
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mattwalker
Posts: 5063 - Karma: 2,478
how do you turn a dishwaser into a snow shovel?

give the bitch a shovel....


4FRNT.

Sidewinder Sports
Apr 22 2004 8:24PM
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ScratchCobra66
Posts: 3688 - Karma: 11
Whats the worst thing you can do to helen keller?






















leave a plunger in the toilet.



Farp for Life.


'Id like to please ask our contestants to refrain from using ethnic slurrs, ok so on with the show, here we have Mr. Connery wi...'
'You think your so smart Alex Trebek with your Greasy hair and your Dego mustache.'
'what did i just say about ethnic slurrs!?'
Apr 22 2004 9:16PM
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marlin_102
Posts: 2430 - Karma: 11
why did helen keller crash her car.....cause shes a woman.

i really hope no women took offense to that. i was on the lift with a ski patroller who told me that.


'GhostDragon is like milk. sometimes when it sits too long in thr fridge it gets crusty things around the cap that sometimes fall into your glass when your not careful.' - cj

- Michael Jackson loves me.
Apr 22 2004 9:20PM
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marlin_102
Posts: 2430 - Karma: 11
whats faster than the speed of light...................a jew with a coupon.


'GhostDragon is like milk. sometimes when it sits too long in thr fridge it gets crusty things around the cap that sometimes fall into your glass when your not careful.' - cj

- Michael Jackson loves me.
Apr 22 2004 9:22PM
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skiierman
Posts: 28699 - Karma: -5,563
how do you start a parade in Ethiopia?
roll a cheerio down a hill.
how do you find the happiest man in Ethiopia?
find the guy who got the cheerio.


Why don't you take a long walk on a short peir.
Apr 22 2004 9:36PM
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Jaskittin
Posts: 5606 - Karma: 195
This is long, but worth it at the end:


One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. 'Reverend,' she said, 'I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?'

'I have an idea,' said the minister. 'Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg.'

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. 'And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?' he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

'Jesus!', Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

'Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,' said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. 'Who is
your redeemer?' he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

'God!' Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

'Right again,' said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, 'And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?'

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, 'You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!'

'Amen,' replied the congregation.








Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.


-Not enough money for a summer camp this year-session 4
Apr 22 2004 10:22PM
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Vtsnowski
Posts: 3536 - Karma: 1,199
why dont black people take assprin(i cant spell i know)

cause they have to pick though cotton to get it





some christian kid today: 'Get drunk off jesus'
Apr 22 2004 10:26PM
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Meh42
Posts: 2431 - Karma: 14
www.newjoke.com

So two muffins were in a oven, and one looked to the other one and said 'man were about to be cooked, this sucks' the other looked and him funny then yelled 'OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN'
______________________________________
'michael moore called...said he is ready to fuck you again' - SUpilot

'Yeah, most pros are strict Mormons. I read an interview with Tanner where he talked about his experience with a caffinated beverage. He said that it screwed up his style because he was poisoning the temple that is his body. Then some of his wives left him.' - Mistaskier
Apr 22 2004 10:32PM
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snowforblood
Posts: 1861 - Karma: 16
Why don't women live on the moon yet?

Because there is nothing to clean up.



--------------------------------------
.:|The real iMOTION PRODUCTIONS|:.
Big things comin...

Dash Longe
Rory Silva
Shoya Okazaki
Sean Pettit
Kye Peterson
Pep Fujas
CR Johnson
Mickael Deschenaux
Eric Pollard
Tanner Hall

WSKI106
Apr 22 2004 10:34PM
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Jaskittin
Posts: 5606 - Karma: 195
One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very
crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very
attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.
After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun 'Will
you have sex with me?' The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver
to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed
and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop.
Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided
to help him out. He said to the young man, 'I know that nun.
Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the
grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are
Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just
tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you.'
This gave the hippie great hope.

That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was
the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He
walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said
to the nun 'I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?' Now,
of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she
agreed. 'I just have one request,' said the nun, 'it has to be
anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my
sisterhood.' The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to
reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing
a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces. 'HA HA!! I'm
not Jesus, I'm the hippie!' He exclaimed.

Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit,
revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled 'HA
HA! I'm not the nun, I'm the bus driver!'








Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.


-Not enough money for a summer camp this year-session 4
Apr 22 2004 11:27PM
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J.D.
Posts: 21362 - Karma: 5,142
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: 'You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building - by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.'

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: 'What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.'

1st Man: 'No it's true let me prove it to you.' So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: 'You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.'

1st Man: 'No, I'll prove it again' and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: 'Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it.' So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker: 'You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk.'



J.D.'s Hall of Fame for Stupid Posts:

''mad trix is a gay name. go with the k2's.'' -Linepunk

''Dude, Americans or Canadians didn't invent english, the British dudes did.'' -Chauncy

''Gay people are fags'' -Atlantaski

''dude i am literat i just cant spell worth shit u got prob with it bitch'' -Bridgerbowlskier

''Gay marriages are gay.'' -SUpilot

'if it werent for women, i wouldnt have to wear condoms' -Hucksterjibber

''This board seems to have gone downhill since i joined'' -ADjunkie
Apr 22 2004 11:51PM
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nut
Posts: 625 - Karma: 12
Ted Kennedy has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here, ' says the devil. 'You are on my list but have no room for you.' You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.' 'I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves.'

Ted thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. 'No!' Ted said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good
swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'

The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 'No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented Ted.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Ted saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Ted looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'

The devil smiled and said...........








'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'
Apr 23 2004 2:17PM
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T.L.
Posts: 4729 - Karma: 3,008
i have nothing against women what so ever but the jokes are funny as hell.

why are women's feet so short?




so they can stand closer to the sink

-COUNTRY MUSIC GIVES YOU HERPES-

- Hey kids, theres juice under the sink! -

Recipe for making an ass of yourself:

1. Become as gay as possible.
2. Try to fit in.
3. Drink the bong water.
Apr 23 2004 2:37PM
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mark.p
Posts: 1422 - Karma: 10
why do women always know the time?


Theres a clock on the oven


FEMALE HORMONES FOUND IN BEER
Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering
the results of a recent analysis that revealed the
presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may feminize men. To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beereach to drink within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary
Apr 23 2004 7:23PM
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nut
Posts: 625 - Karma: 12
What do you call 2 gay guys on shaped skis?





Pair o' ball lickers
May 4 2004 10:59AM
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Crow
Posts: 1525 - Karma: 10
keep goin with the jokes






Tour De France Cult
Jul 29 2004 8:36PM
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bhill2.0
Posts: 6573 - Karma: 197
What do you call a african american marathon?

Jail Break



RIDEblunt
Jul 29 2004 8:39PM
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EM
Posts: 48 - Karma: 10
A man walked into a bar...looked up and said 'Damn that hurt like hell'
Jul 29 2004 9:01PM
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bhill2.0
Posts: 6573 - Karma: 197
.............................*crickets*



RIDEblunt
Jul 29 2004 9:07PM
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1080ski
Posts: 4424 - Karma: 191
what do you call a black man in a wheelchair

night rider



what do you call god crapping?

holy shit
Jul 29 2004 9:11PM
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Jaskittin
Posts: 5606 - Karma: 195
HOw do u get the whole population of mexico into a phone booth?

Role a quarter in

How do u get them out?

Throw a bar of soap in.





Joke Of The Week

Why did the blonds belly button hurt in the morning?

Because her boyfriend was blond too.
Jul 29 2004 10:34PM
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Trash
Posts: 682 - Karma: 10
A man is walking near a stream, when he sees another man flailing and screaming in the water. The man jumps in the river and pulls the other man out. After the drowing man catches his breath, he says, 'Thank you for saving me. I am a wizard, and I will grant you three wishes for your kindness.' So the man asks for one million dollars, a mansion, and a beautiful woman waiting for him at his new home, and the wizard happily agreed to give him what he requested. After giving this directions to his mansion, the wizard says 'There is just one thing you must let me do before your wishs are granted: you must allow me to cut off one of your arms.' The man decided that living with one arm was worth the riches he would be given, so he agreed.
After delivering the final axe blow to the man's shoulder, the wizard asked him 'How old are you'?
'29' the man shouted back.
'And you STILL believe in wizards?' he replied as he ran away with his newly-aquired human arm.

Girl, you know its true.

'yup you're right' - strode420
Jul 29 2004 10:40PM
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HelloThisIsDylan
Posts: 458 - Karma: 10
WHY DO WOMEN HAVE BOOBS? SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK AT WHILE YOUR TALKIN' TO 'EM......................................................................................................SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK AT WHILE YOUR TALKIN' TO 'EM.............................................SO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO LOO-



___________________________
kill the hippies
proud member of the kpp

theres an ilovemen.com? damn. see you guys later - skierdudeguy

Jul 29 2004 10:43PM
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Joe.
Posts: 2888 - Karma: 24
what do you call a flying turtle...a shellicopter!!






Jul 29 2004 10:46PM
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scratchbc677
Posts: 304 - Karma: 11
2 condoms walk into a gay bar one says to the other LETS GET SHITFACED








if i were a roach would you smoke me?
Jul 29 2004 10:47PM
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skierdudeguy
Posts: 6574 - Karma: 81
ha. ha.
------------------------------------------------------------
yes.. i once found my freind on acid under a blanket and wearing a loin cloth made out of bannna peels
hoodratz47
Jul 29 2004 10:49PM
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murphski
Posts: 1259 - Karma: 13
theres 4 gay guys in a hot tub, and a condum floats to the top. one of them asks 'who farted?'
________________________

'uh-oh! weve drawn judge schnider.''is that bad''well i kinda ran over his dog''oh dear''well replace kinda with repeatedly, and dog with son'

the most horrible sound known to man, the crying of a mass of little girls. - skiierman

freeskigrl, this is between me and jd, stay out of it - QuickFlash7 regarding an internet fight
Jul 29 2004 11:09PM
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12ParkRat60
Posts: 3480 - Karma: 61
Four gay guys walk into a bar, but theres only one stole left, what do they do?


Turn it upside down
Yellow snow doesn't taste like lemonade
Jul 29 2004 11:14PM
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1080ski
Posts: 4424 - Karma: 191
ahahaha those gay ones are funny
Jul 30 2004 8:11AM
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hucker22
Posts: 6176 - Karma: 23
why doesnt mexico have an olympic team?
ever one who can run swim or jump has already crossed the boarder

if 4 mexicans are in a car whos driving?
the cops

what do you call black people in a barn
antique farm equipment

__________________

some people like their cucumber pickled
Jul 30 2004 8:57AM
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SkiUnit03
Posts: 3597 - Karma: 114
whats worse then ten babies nailed to one tree?

one baby nailed to ten trees
(i know everyones heard it)





go listen to some emo. those whiny guys feel your pain. -linemaverick5...
Jul 30 2004 9:00AM
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LeBlanc
Posts: 2888 - Karma: 20
What do you say when its night outside (black) and you see your tv floating in the street?





Drop it nigger!



*~!Ski or die!~*
*~!Live to ski!~*
Jul 30 2004 9:05AM
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M+M
Posts: 7935 - Karma: 25
DAMIT THAT WAS MINE^



*NORTHEASET CULT*

^is dead
matt morrison


quagmire:'We got to do something.'
peter:'Dont worrie i got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if i even began to know what I am talking about.
Jul 30 2004 9:24AM
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AppSkier
Posts: 4797 - Karma: 86
why do black people have nightmares?

because the last one to dream got shot!


how do you starve a nigger?

hide his food stamps under his work boots!



'Surrender pronto, or we will level toronto.'- Canadian Bacon
Jul 30 2004 4:37PM
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M+M
Posts: 7935 - Karma: 25
why do black people like basket ball so much
because:theres running, shooting, and stealing



*NORTHEASET CULT*

^is dead
matt morrison


quagmire:'We got to do something.'
peter:'Dont worrie i got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if i even began to know what I am talking about.
Jul 30 2004 4:45PM
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punk_rider
Posts: 2327 - Karma: 10
how do you prevent 6 black from attacking a white woman? throw them a basketball ball!

it's the story of two ducks in water ... one says: 'kwak kwak'... and the other one says 'that was what i was about tosay' ...

what's a tomato with a mask? - super-tomato. what's a banana with a mask? a banana tryin' to look like super tomato

HORRIBLE JOKE BUT FUNNY: how do you calculate the speed of a jew? = longth of the chemney*wind speed. awful, but awesome!
Jul 30 2004 4:52PM
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Prins
Posts: 1283 - Karma: 49
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man replied, '150.'
So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.
The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'
The man decided to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink.
Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.
The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is really cool.'
The man went out and came back in a third time.
As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
The man replied, '50.'
The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Kerry?'
Jul 30 2004 4:52PM
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alev
Posts: 7819 - Karma: 410
so this guy walks into a bar from a long business trip. he sees a pot filled with 5 dollar bills. he asks the bartender 'yo man, whats this for?' the bartender replies 'well, weve got a horse out back, and if u can make him laugh, u win the pot' so the guy puts in a 5, feels like hes got nothin to lose, and goes to the back and goes to the horse. HE wispers into his ear and the horse starts crackin up. ' the bartender says, ' u win the pot, but howd u do it?' the man said 'ahhhh its a secret'

so about a month later the man comes back to the bar and sees the pot, filled up again. this time u have to make the horse cry. so he puts in his five, goes to the horse, and turns around. the horse begins to ball, i mean like hes crying a river here. the bartender asks, 'ok ill shoot u if u dont tell me how u did it the first time, and this time.' the guy goes 'ok. the first time i told him my dick was bigger than his. the second time i showed him'

...RUN FOR COVER PRODUCTIONS...
Jul 30 2004 6:55PM
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danbrown
Posts: 11939 - Karma: 21,826
why cant stevie wonder read?


because he's black








why don't sharks eat black kids in the ocean?




they think its whale shit




-dan-
Jul 30 2004 7:15PM
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12ParkRat60
Posts: 3480 - Karma: 61
Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road, and a dead black person?


Theres skid marks before the dog.
Yellow snow doesn't taste like lemonade
Jul 30 2004 9:41PM
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skiforcanada
Posts: 176 - Karma: 10
why did the chicken cross the road?

























to get to the other side!






.jaypeak.
Jul 30 2004 11:23PM
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Cohete-Rojo!
Posts: 91 - Karma: 10
Did you here about the gay midget?


. . . .


He came out of the cupboard.


*****

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive-in movie theater?


. . .

They went to see 'closed for the season.'


*****

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

. . . .

They think their picture is being taken.
Jul 30 2004 11:24PM
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SmoKinSkier
Posts: 5501 - Karma: 20
HAHAHA PRINS WINS!




Pete is currently sulking around Mt. Hood, shooting with Poor Boyz Productions and hitting on Kristi Leskinen. She hates guys, Pete lamented, so it’s not going good. Apparently Canada isn’t the only thing that’s tough for Pete to get into.
-kamikaze
Jul 30 2004 11:34PM
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murphski
Posts: 1259 - Karma: 13
how did helen kellar break her arms?

she was trying to read road signs at 50 MPH

********************************

Did you hear about helen kellar's new pool?

neither did she.
________________________

'uh-oh! weve drawn judge schnider.''is that bad''well i kinda ran over his dog''oh dear''well replace kinda with repeatedly, and dog with son'

the most horrible sound known to man, the crying of a mass of little girls. - skiierman

freeskigrl, this is between me and jd, stay out of it - QuickFlash7 regarding an internet fight
Jul 31 2004 12:36AM
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dspin7x
Posts: 6414 - Karma: 63
Prins joke sucked, all it was saying is people who vote for kerry have an IQ of 50... It wasnt that clever

'Don't fuck with me 'cause I'm going to delete everything you ever post and have ever posted - Flanker, A moderator
Jul 31 2004 12:47AM
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hucksterjibber15
Posts: 4255 - Karma: 11
whats red bubbling and clawing at the glass, a baby in the microwave. whats black chared and not clawing at the glass? that same baby 20 minutes later.
************************************************************

everybody that will be old enough to vote needs to realize that we need to get our dictator bush out of office, he is an ignorant fuck, and cant string together a sentence to save his life. he cant se that there are ways around war, and he needs to be gone

If people dont like what ive created, fuck em, because somebody else does-TANNER
Jul 31 2004 12:50AM
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SchweitzerSki
Posts: 4479 - Karma: 11
these are hilarious, keep telling them

what do you call a blonde in the freezer?




a frosted flake!
yay skiing is happy
Jul 31 2004 12:58AM
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squeakywaffle
Posts: 1800 - Karma: 13
where do you find an ns.com member?

right where you left him.


(sorry my joke is sexist, i'm too tired for pronouns)
______________________________________
My bunghole it goes RRRACACACAAA
Jul 31 2004 2:58AM
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