I discovered the magical powers of masturbation in the second grade. many of you might think that was a very young age, however, i was not aware of what i was really doing. it felt good so i continued. the story begins in the second grade out at recess. me and a friend were running around playing games and just generally being badasses. game ideas were running low so we decided to play a new game- sort of a race.
We meandered over to the nearest swing set and began brain storming. the first idea that popped up was incredible: we would each get on one side of the support poles and race to the top. i.e.: /\... we get ready and off we go, i was determined to win this race so i gave it everything i had. i managed to get about halfway up my side when it hit me. my pants exploded with a sensation they had never before experienced. something magical had just occurred. i froze.. what was that? can i repeat that sensation? i pulled up again trying to recreate that glorious feeling. sure enough my member convulsed with pleasure. now everyone knows that if something feels good you keep on doing it right? so there i was suspended halfway in the air sliding up and down humping this metal swing set rod. by this time my friend had managed to make it to the top and get back to the ground below me. he stood there looking at me asking what i was doing. all i could get out was "one second, I'm almost to the top" after a short while i was too tired to continue so i climbed back down, however i had to figure out what this feeling was...
i later actually learned the real glory of masturbation. which leads us to our second story. now on this story we won't put a date just for certain reasons. anyways, masturbation was good. just the generic wanking here and there but i needed more.. something that would "spice up" my "love life".. i tried to get creative: trying left hand stranger etc but that just got tedious.. no i needed something incredible so i figured i would jump in the shower and let my creative juices flow.. the warm water had to be good for creativity, so there i stood the water trickling down my back, looking for new ideas. now i had known about using conditioner, sure it was nice, but it too was not the special thing for which i was looking. but then it dawned on me. maybe i could use the hole of the shampoo bottle?! i anxiously grabbed it off the shelf and unscrewed the lid. i started to ram my dick into the hole but i realized there was a minor problem.. the bottle was to small- my idea was ruined.. i screwed the lid back on and set it next to the conditioner bottle when my second idea struck. the conditioner bottle was a super sized costco version! i couldn't get the lid undone fast enough. just as i began to press my raging boner into the bottle i hit my third problem. it too was to small in diameter. but i was determined. idea four came in hot. i began to think of old saggy grandmas and shit trying to get my raging rod to return to its flaccid state.. after some work, it was finally back to being smaller. i inserted it into the conditioner hole and before i knew it i was pumping away. i start goin and the shit starts growin. i had finally created a "life like vagina" now as you can tell i wasn't the brightest kid. no sooner had i made 20 reps and i could no longer move the bottle. the shit was stuck. before i knew it the fucker started to hurt like I've never experienced. this shit was bad. the rod of my shaft began to turn a red, deep purple color and i knew i had really fucked up. i was stuck inside of the conditioner bottle. i had to get out of this fast so once again the thoughts of gay men and grandmas popped back into my head. finally it was able to pull free after what felt like an eternity. i screwed the lid back on and faced that defeat. the conditioner bottle had won this round so i gave up searching for the day.
a couple more weeks passed and i was still on the hunt for the perfect banger. when you want something this bad, you'll try anything. again i was in the shower looking around for new things to try. i caught eyes with the conditioner bottle and immediately the pain reregistered in my mind- that my friends was a big no. but i wasn't going to stop there. now i knew that the conditioner inside the bottle worked fine. conditioner good, conditioner bottle bad. now i also knew that humping things was nice so maybe i was on to something. now at the time we had a half shower half bathtub setup going on. many of you know what this looks like but hopefully i can help set up the scene. where the tub met the wall, there was a 1-2 inch difference with a slight slant.
]
]
] WALL
]
--\ TUB
.....\--------------------
you get the idea. now i decided i would take conditioner and throw it on the wall to make it slick and lubed up. i would then also put conditioner on my raging chub and then proceed to hump the fiberglass wall. good idea right?
so i splash the conditioner on the wall and lube myself up and lean my knees against the tub wall (almost like ski boot posture. it works just right. my shaft is right on the wall and I'm even in a comfy position. i begin to go up and down starting off slow to make sure it will work. sure enough it does. i finally discovered the kinky shit that i so desired. faster and faster i went, pleasure surging through my meat stick, all the nerves responding to the stimulation, when it happened. before i knew it i was on the bottom of the tub face down nut sack and chin hurting like a bitch. it took me a second to realize what had happened. during the process of my stimulation, i had not realized conditioner was falling off the wall and landing at my feet. conditioner combined with ceramic tub combined with water combined with no rubber gripping = bad news. me feet had slipped out and i had slammed my danglers into the ledge of the tub. shortly following that was my chin. never in my life have my nuts hurt so bad. not to mention my chin. i managed to pull myself off the floor, inspect my prize possessions, clean off the cursed wall and finish my shower. after these last two stories i have finally agreed to just do my deed like a normal teenage guy.
