Think of the nastiest, most foul, gag-inducing shit you have ever taken.
Good.
Multiply that stench by ten. Then sprinkle some burnt rubber on top, add a dash of skunkshit, and sautee in vomit. Ladies and gentlemen, I have produced such a smell. And the Menace came from none other than my own asshole.
I'm crammed into a hot classroom of about twenty five highschool juniors. A score of rowdy gremlins have decided to host a WWE Smackdown in my lower intestine. I believe that they have migrated far, far from their homeland. They have been away from their homestead for about two days, nestling their filthy asses in my OWN ass. I do believe they miss their White Castle.
I am old. I am wise. And I will tell you, White Castle at 3AM is NOT a good idea.
I sit in gut-wrenching pain, with my White Castle gremlins carrying on merrily with their WWE Smackdown. I pucker my asshole in a desperate attempt to contain the foul stench lying within. Every grumble is sheer torture. I can feel the bloating increasing by the second. I have never felt so sorry for my American Eagle jeans. I cannot imagine the stress they must be under with my stomach more than twice its normal circumference.
I secretly writhe in pain, hoping and praying to every deity that I can think of that none of my classmates notice. I can't bear it any longer. Mount Vesuvious has OFFICIALLY relocated itself, right into my own ass.
I proceed to make two horrible mistakes.
I gingerly reposition my weight to my right asscheek.
Mistake number one. I'm sitting on the far right of my classroom, with all my classmates sitting to my left. I have unknowingly aimed my ammunition in the last place I want it to go.
I let it rip. Fortunately it is silent.
Mistake number two. NEVER, EVER, and I mean EVER let a White Castle fart out in the presence of other human beings. The menace is a foul being, and should NEVER be released into a room of other people.
Thank GOD, I think to myself. No one noticed. I am elated. The pain is gone.
I turn to my left, and notice my friend's scarlet face, half covered by his hoodie pulled over his nose, staring right at me.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh SHIT, OH SHIT.
I have just fully realized the extent of my unfortunate anal discharge.
The entire room full of students begins to writhe.
"OH MY GOD WHAT DIED?!"
"Is the sewer leaking again?!"
"What the FUCK is THAT???"
"I'M SUFFOCATING!!!"
I sit with my shirt over my face, pretending to be at the mercy of the same Menace. I am ashamed, but also in a sick, twisted state of pride.
It is too late. The class simultaneously turns, and sets their burning gaze on me.
My english teacher is gagging. He struggles to wade through the invisible stench hanging in the air to power on the fan and open the windows as far as they will go. Learning stops for a good half hour.
It is 15 degrees outside, yet freezing to death has never been so appetizing.
I have never been so ashamed, yet so proud at the same time.
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