Yesterday marked a day in my life that has left me a different person. An annual event looked forward to by many, and looked back on by others as "the best day of their lives". This day is better known as the Kappa Alpha Test of Manhood.
I wake up at 10:00 AM to air horns being blown in the hall.
"Get the fuck up it's time for the test of manhood" was all that rang in my head - other than the pounding headache that I owed to a night of heavy drinking.
I look out the window and of course some freak-ass snowstorm dumped a couple inches of snow in bumblefuck western Virginia. Without much thought I throw on my favorite shirt, some boxers, and a pair of corduroys - big fucking mistake, but more on that later. I put on some loafers thinking I'm going to be spending the day inside - ha. Without time for breakfast I head out into the quad and see the wide-eyed freshman (myself included) piling in to cars. We take a 5 minute drive to an off campus house called "Downwind". We arrived at downwind, all pretty hungover and bathed in eachother's morning-after beer farts. And what's the only thing to do at 10:30 AM when you're hungover? Drink. We start off with some casual beers, but after little time we were told the keg race is about to begin.
Everyone heads outside and makes a circle around their teams keg - freshman vs. upperclassmen. Jeers flew from the upperclassmen's mouths like sweat flies from a fat chick gettin her jog on. Both teams took of their caps and sung the national anthem (this is America) and as the final note left our mouths the kegs were tapped and the race was on. Within a minute the upperclassmen were puking - we later found out this was a great strategy as not to get too full. It became obvious we were falling behind so we resorted to our secret weapon... keg stands. Keg stand after keg stand we battled our way toward an empty keg as the upperclassmen relentlessly vomited in our direction. Unfortunately our effort wasn't enough and the upperclassmen stood victorious. This, however, is not even close to the end of the test of manhood.
Again, considerably more drunk by this point though, we pile into cars and make a ten minute trek out to another off campus house called "Huffman's". I had only been to Huffman's once before and I smoked more that day than I ever had before. When we got to Huffman's there were 5 more kegs waiting for us and the hard alcohol started pouring. We all got quite a bit more drunk, and little did we freshman know that an ounce of weed in the form of pre-rolled blunts was about to arrive. Oh joyus day, how could this day get any better? One word: Strippers.
We all gather in one room; clear out the center, put a sheet down, adorn the sheet with two wooden chairs, and form a circle around this freshly made stage. In walk two strippers, after their 5 hour long journey from Baltimore. I didn't really expect them to be hot but I was wrong. One of them, Emily, was smoking. The other wasn't too great but she was definitely an 8 point buck at least - she had a nice rack if you know what I'm saying. The show started off as you'd expect, some lap dances and whatnot. But where this show was headed, I had no idea.
The strippers needed a volunteer, fuck it... I'll be a volunteer. Mistake. That favorite shirt I had mentioned earlier was immediately violently ripped off and I was commanded to lay down. I was covered in body oil and rubbed down while getting a ridiculous lap dance. It gets more ridiculous. After my baby-oil lap dance came the real fucked up stuff. Emily had a knack for being able to pick up a jolly rancher off of someone's nose and deposit it in their mouth.... using her vagina. Oh and that's not all. Rumor has it I sat in a chair while Emily did a handstand and I fucked her with a test tube that I held in my mouth. The show concluded with the two strippers scissoring with a double ended dildo, this was brought to a quick end, however, when someone in the crowd shouted "YOU'RE SOMEONE'S GOD DAMN DAUGHTER!".
This was the end of the test of manhood and it was 5:30 PM, but my day was far from over.
I return to the dorms to find my roomate's girlfriend is in town. Fuck. I need to find a place to sleep. So my group of friends heads out to a pregame at some off campus house. Keep in mind I've been VERY drunk since 10:00AM. We play some ruit and chandeliers and I'm starting to get reaaaal drunk. We leave the pregame and stumble our way to the Sigma Chi house where there's a band party (the lead singer of the band was probably the fattest guy I've ever seen). I'm wasted so I'm rocking out to the jams and dancing with some random girls. I'm not sure why but I was telling everyone I was a senior kappa (the "hot bitchy sorrority" at my school). I was with seniors and the night was winding to an end, an end where I had nowhere to sleep. Shit. I look around and who do I see? This girl I hooked up with once before. Jackpot. I walk over to her and god knows what I said but I ended up spending the night with her.
An all around ridiculous day - hope the story was entertaining.
Sparknotes
10:00 AM wasted, 3:00PM Strippers
