How did the Onion find me???

i go to Deerfield academy...where kids have started to wet willy (DON'T FUCKING JUDGE ME) so this is just strange

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/boarding_school_student

Boarding School Student Receives Wet William
NOVEMBER 24, 2009 | ISSUE 45•48

DEERFIELD, MA—Deerfield Academy first-year Foster R. Poole III told reporters Monday that he had received yet another Wet William from a group of upperclassmen who reportedly torment the 14-year-old private school student relentlessly. "If they're not administering a painful Charles Horse to my thigh, then they're manhandling my scalp with a series of rough Baron Von Noogingtons," Poole said while drying his ear with a monogrammed handkerchief. "And just last week those ruffians forced my head into a lavatory toilet and gave me the Aqua Coriolis of a lifetime. Simply outrageous behavior." Poole said he plans to try out for the coxswain position on the academy's varsity crew team, a gambit for increased popularity he hopes will curtail the painful Wedgewoods he often receives while changing in the gymnasium locker room.