I wrote a story about a fat

lady. give it a read if you're into that sort of thing

Across the street from where I used to live was an old run down house. It was a small, blatantly atrocious white ranch that stuck out like a sore thumb in our coveted neighborhood. There was an American flag draped from the sill of the front window, which always had its curtains drawn. A chain link fence outlined most of the lot, including the big tree that presided above. The lawn was patchy with yellowish grass, and had weeds of all shapes and sizes. The driveway consisted of old concrete and tenacious weeds that protruded from its abundant cracks. It had a couple of beat up cars sitting idly on it, which I never saw being driven or moved in any way. Parked on the lawn was an old skiff fashioned to a trailer, with a big red For Sale sign attached to it. Connected to the front door was an enclosed porch that had window frames but no windows, as if somebody had smashed them in. The front door itself had a ratty screen door preceding it. From behind this front door emerged the trashiest aspect of this house: the owner.
She was a fat white woman with curly blond hair. Her height looked to be in the five-foot range, and her width to be about three feet. She had a small piggish nose and vindictive eyes, with a snaggy, dentally absent smile that looked as if it was drawn onto her face by a toddler. "Fat" would be an understatement. "Skin-eating-skin" would be a more accurate description. She was by no means the most obese person I'd ever seen, she was just the most visibly overweight woman I'd ever seen. She had that portly shape that all fat people carry about, along with liquid skin that resembled any given subject from a Salvador Dali painting, drooping and dangling without restraint. She wore a bright pink tank top which was painfully too small; it stopped just before the bellybutton that lay on that molten stomach of hers. She wore navy sweat capris that were also too small. They accurately paraded the curvature and depth of her fatty crotch and thighs, due to her cellulite filling every square inch of those Wal-Mart pants, except for the areas where her fat creased and allowed just enough space for any sort of kinetic activity. God forbid this woman actually had to move from time to time.
"Get the fuck back inside, ya' hear?" howled the tyrannical slag, bursting open her screen door and causing it to rattle. She often made her residency apparent by yelling at one of her three illegitimate children so loud it could be heard from a couple blocks away. She possessed a deep, snarling voice that insisted some horrible wrongdoing was being done to her, as if she were some sort of damsel in distress, unable to sustain herself until her next overnight visit from various procreative laborers and pizza men. "Zach! Get the fuck back inside right this instant!" she screamed, making an attempt to see past her gut and watch her footing as she descended down a prodigious flight of three steps, and waddling barefoot onto her lawn. "God dammit, Zach!" she continued, clapping her hands and triceps as if she were calling a dog. By now she had shuffled her way into the street, exposing the ebb and flow of her stomach with each oscillating step, swearing louder and angrier by the minute. With each clap the undulations in her stomach and arms became more violent, and the property value of each neighboring house declined with every primal shriek.
I sat on my living room couch looking out my front window in utter fascination, as if I were watching a silver screen. It almost had a surreal quality, like watching Cops from a fixed frame instead of the shaky-camera perspective that is frequently found on reality TV shows. The jiggle of a white trash woman in full scuttle looked much more pronounced when my frame of reference was perfectly still. To add to the excitement, I had to act completely oblivious to the crazy lady in the street every time she sensed a backlit figure peering at her from across the road. It was like a movie and a video game, and I had a front row seat and the high score. I was the world's worst Samaritan, and I loved every waking second of it.


sparknots: fat trashy lady fucks pizza man and yells at kids