We had to write a biography peice. and i decided to try to fail it since its a joke class and i already have over 100 percent in the class
Intro
Jimmy McDolittle was the unknown war hero of The Civil War, and World War II. His life has been kept a secret until the recent release of records by the CIA. Jimmy is undisputedly the greatest hero this country has ever known. This webpage tells his great life.
Little McDolittle was born in Lulz, Georgia in 1843. He was born an African American slave on a plantation. But he had a birth defect called handstofeetgitus (he had hands for feet) His father was actively involved in the Swedish Mafia, and was in and out prison camps. At the age of 5, Jimmy invented the first ever known airplane. He then flew it to Russia where he became free. Jimmy then lived in the Russian (now known as Alaska) wilderness for 15 years until he decided he wanted to go home.
When Jimmy returned to Lulz, he returned white because his skin was so frostbit. He was still a slave, so it was awkward when he returned white. The Civil war was well on its way, and he decided to fight it as a confederate. He was one of the best soldiers ever seen. He killed over 2.3 million Union soldiers and he then was captured by the Union. After being in Union Jail for 6 years, Jimmy came out even stronger then ever.
Jimmy McDolittle decided to move to Kentucky. There, he perfected his recipe of fried chicken. Jimmy opened a shop called KFC in 1895. The store took off, and had over 250,000 restaurants all over Kentucky by 1901 (if you ever wonder who that guy is when you walk into KFC, that’s Jimmy). Jimmy then decided that he wanted to join the army again in 1940.
At almost 100 years old, Jimmy was fighting again in another war. Jimmy was deployed in the 1st regiment off the coast of Hawaii. Jimmy bet his fellows that he could yell so loud, that the Japan could hear him. He yelled various phrases across the pacific. But the Japanese took offence, so they decided to attack. To bad Jimmy was deployed in Berlin before the Pearl Harbor attack.
When Jimmy was in Germany, his commander bet him that he couldn’t kill Hitler. Well Jimmy McDolittle ran 323 miles to Berlin, he then found Hitler, and threw him of the Eifel Tower ending the war in Europe. Jimmy was celebrating, but the army had other plans for him.
Jimmy was then deployed in Japan. President George Washington asked him if he could help him. Jimmy helped with the destruction of Japan. He threw the nukes across the ocean onto the island of Japan, Killing over 50 billion Japanese civilians. Jimmy was given the Medal of Honor. And was knighted by President Lincoln.
Jimmy now lives in his hometown of Lulz, Georgia where he coined the phrase “you gunna get rapped”. You can now see Jimmy at his home in Lulz. He is a staggering 189.3452 years old.
