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Joke

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Ski-hobo
Posts: 7121 - Karma: 15
Not mine....
A guy sitting at the bar realizes the time and says 'Oh Fuck!!!, my wife is going to kill me for coming late again.' The bartender laughs in his face and says, 'I've got a fool proof plan to get you off of the hook.'

The guy is obiviously curious and wants to know what the plan is and so the bartender replies, 'First, sneak into your house without making a sound, then slip off your shoes. Then tip-toe upstairs to your bedroom door, then sneak into your room, slide under the sheets and go down on your wife. That way, she should have no right to be pissed off at you in the morning.'

The guy at the bar thinks this is the greatest idea of all time and procedes to stay at the bar until 3 in the morning. When he finally goes home, he remembers the bartender's advice. First, he sneaks into the house without making a sound and he slips off his shoes. Then the guy tip-toes upstairs to the bedroom door and he slips inside.

The guy climbs under the sheets and the guys give the BEST head of his entire life and it isn't long before all the work is finished and he realizes he should clean up or something. The guys goes to the bathroom to wash up and is shocked to see his wife in the bathroom. The guy says, 'What the Fuck!!' His wife replies, 'Be quiet or you are going to wake your mother.'

Feb 18 2004 4:49AM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
wow, disgusting

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 18 2004 5:49AM
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4skizzle
Posts: 2384 - Karma: 10
your mother.... hahahahahaha










Eggs and bacon please, eggs over skeezy
Feb 18 2004 11:48AM
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Carter23
Posts: 1722 - Karma: 17
damn, now i have a new one to tell


Two Plank Productions - www.twoplank.com- bensomrak@twoplank.com
Feb 18 2004 12:02PM
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mutescratch
Posts: 570 - Karma: 10
oh shit that one's mad


tune out everyone in the crowd because now its just me and you come fall in love with the sound
Feb 18 2004 2:37PM
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supervore
Posts: 613 - Karma: 10
thats one fucked up joke, funny though
Feb 18 2004 3:11PM
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west
Posts: 5229 - Karma: 36
Its funny because jokes about vaginas are funny.




better to burn out...
...then fade away
Feb 18 2004 3:22PM
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shibby
Posts: 7088 - Karma: -19
heheahaa that was A+ material.
Feb 18 2004 6:37PM
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jizack
Posts: 2486 - Karma: 16
ok heres a couple. Why dont you hit a mexican on a bike? It might be your bike. Why dont you hit a nigger on a bike? It might be your nigger.






“This sort of behavior is left to the psychotic, dogmatic, fundamentalist believers you see on your TV everyday letting off bombs and killing people in the name of God. Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing...'Maynard James Keenan
Feb 18 2004 7:42PM
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Lateralis
Posts: 1228 - Karma: 332
hhahhahaahaa great joke


'Did you know that average penis size is 6.4inches and that the average vaginal canal is 7.9inches? Therefore.... in this country alone, there is over 17,000 miles of unused virgin pussy' - Poolhall Junkies
Feb 18 2004 11:25PM
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bromleyskiier
Posts: 75 - Karma: 12
a guy is in a bar and he bets the bartender $500 that he can stand on top of the bar and piss into a cup 6 feet away without spilling a drop. so he gets up there, and starts pissing all over the place, and doesnt get any into the cup. so the bartender starts laughing his ass off because he just won $500. so the bartender asks why he would make a bet like that. so the guy says well, i bet those guys over there $2000 that i could piss all over your bar and you would laugh
------------------
The preceding statement contained scenes of graphic violence, and should not have been viewed by children.
Parental discretion was advised.
Feb 18 2004 11:44PM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
theres 2 cowboays in a bar and there chillin and theres this fat chick there, and she starts choking. after a few minutes it becomes obvious that she needs help. the cowboys come over and one is like 'can ya swaller?' and she shakes her head, then the other cowboy asks 'can ya breathe?' and she shakes her head, so the cowboy gets on his knees and rips her pants down, then he proceeds to rub his toungue all over her ass, out of sheer shock she has a muscle spasm and shoots the obstruction out of her throat. then the cowboys are talkin and the ones like 'i done heard of that hind lick maneuver but i aint never seen it performed'

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 18 2004 11:51PM
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jizack
Posts: 2486 - Karma: 16
dude that was the most lame ass gayest joke i have ever heard.






“This sort of behavior is left to the psychotic, dogmatic, fundamentalist believers you see on your TV everyday letting off bombs and killing people in the name of God. Beliefs are dangerous. Beliefs allow the mind to stop functioning. A non-functioning mind is clinically dead. Believe in nothing...'Maynard James Keenan
Feb 18 2004 11:58PM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
so

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 19 2004 12:04AM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
ok i got a better one
why does a chicken coup onl have 2 doors?



because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 19 2004 12:05AM
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bromleyskiier
Posts: 75 - Karma: 12
no, that one was just as gay
------------------
The preceding statement contained scenes of graphic violence, and should not have been viewed by children.
Parental discretion was advised.
Feb 19 2004 12:17AM
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Ds91260
Posts: 9984 - Karma: 19
sam, you suck


Fuck You
Feb 19 2004 3:14AM
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MTRipper
Posts: 20 - Karma: 10
OK, i got one.
So this guy and his girl are gettin it on, and he finishes up, wgets dressed and starts looking around the room and sees a picture of another guy. Worried, he says 'honey, is this a picture of your brother?' She says, 'No its not.' Now the guy is really worried and he says Are you cheating on me with anohter guy?' The girl again says no. So by now the guy is confused as hell and he says, 'OK, tell me, Who is in that picture?' And she says 'Wow, im surprised you cant tell, thats me before the operation.'



Fuck Snowboarders
Feb 19 2004 10:35AM
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shibby
Posts: 7088 - Karma: -19
haha apart from that one^ the last few where pretty bad.




~Phunkin Phatt Phreerider~
Feb 19 2004 10:39AM
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Lateralis
Posts: 1228 - Karma: 332
A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?

MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints.


'Did you know that average penis size is 6.4inches and that the average vaginal canal is 7.9inches? Therefore.... in this country alone, there is over 17,000 miles of unused virgin pussy' - Poolhall Junkies
Feb 19 2004 2:10PM
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SkiFree_MT
Posts: 395 - Karma: 9
^ hahaha thats a good one.
there are 3 guys in a car, and they are speeding. And suddenly thryb hear a cop come up behind them. They pull over and the cop says ' do you guys have any idea how fast you were goin? He tells them that they were going over 100 mph. He says ' Now im willing to let u guys off the hook if ur combined penis length is more then 16 inches.
So the first guy whips it out and its 6 inches. The cop says 'ok, nice, now the next one.' asnd the
second guy whips it out and its 9 inches. And the cop looks to the last guy and tells him to whip it out. He whips it out and its 2 inches. The cop was like, WOW, thats small, but u guys got 17, so ur free to go. WHen they were driving away the 2 incher says ' man you guys were lucky i had a boner


I got suspended for taking my pants off in class. The catholic school board really frowns upon it. - skierdudeguy

Its better to be pissed off then pissed on.



'To me skiing is life, and you may say i have no life but i could image doing nothing more kickass than skiing everyday'-
flatspin 720

Feb 19 2004 5:48PM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
ye those were just supposed to be stupid, but for real now

why didnt the pirate get into the movie?

cus it was rated ARRRRRR

if u dont think that was funny u better get ur head checked, but just in case

why dont they have driver's ed and sex ed on the same day in mexico?

because its too hard on the donkey!!!

seriously that ones at least a little funny isnt it?

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 19 2004 6:05PM
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Lateralis
Posts: 1228 - Karma: 332
heres one i made up hahah
knock knock?
whos there?
who?
who who? im sorry but i dont speak the owl language hahahahhaahhaha sorry


'Did you know that average penis size is 6.4inches and that the average vaginal canal is 7.9inches? Therefore.... in this country alone, there is over 17,000 miles of unused virgin pussy' - Poolhall Junkies
Feb 19 2004 7:38PM
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CaderTots
Posts: 488 - Karma: 34
1)So a lady goes to the doctors office and says that her husband isn't performing good in bed anymore. The doctor gives her a pill and say to put one in his coffee every morning and get back to him with the results. After a week she called the doctor and told him they weren't working. He told her to add 2 to each coffee. Antother week went by and they still weren't working so out of pure frusteration she dump the rest of the bottle in his coffee. A month passed and the doctor decided to call and see how they were working. A little boy answered the phone and the doctor asked how the pills were working. The kid said well my moms dead, my sister is pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dads in the corner saying here kitty kitty.

#2)What do you call a black chick with braces?

A Black & Decker pecker wrecker

-word-


Member 7101
Feb 19 2004 8:09PM
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shibby
Posts: 7088 - Karma: -19
what chicken coup joke?


~Phunkin Phatt Phreerider~

TMC WUUUUUUUUUUUUUT WE KILL YOU!!!
Feb 19 2004 9:23PM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
shibby hes talkin about mine,
why does a chicken coupe only have 2 doors?

cus if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

at least someone here has a sense of humor

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 19 2004 9:45PM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
ok heres one

put ur hand in the air with ur index finger sticking up, move ur hand in a small circular motion, do it for the whole time

me-knock knock!
you-whos there?
me-woo
you-woo who?

get it, cus ur waving ur finger around and saying woohoo


'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 19 2004 11:29PM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
u have to admit thats a funny one

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 20 2004 3:41PM
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Apple
Posts: 7906 - Karma: 33
Q:whats black and blue and doesnt like sex?

A:The 4 year old locked in my basement.

-Thom Savery
please pardon the cacography
Feb 20 2004 6:05PM
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davidh
Posts: 4219 - Karma: 8
I have a couple extremely racist jokes, but I dont want anyone to hate me. Should I or should I not???
Feb 20 2004 8:16PM
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davidh
Posts: 4219 - Karma: 8
I have a couple extremely racist jokes, but I dont want anyone to hate me. Should I or should I not???
Feb 20 2004 8:21PM
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shelbyski
Posts: 94 - Karma: 10
meh-go for it...we all know you dont mean it..or do you? you racist asshole!
*live 4 life*
~Shelby~
Feb 21 2004 12:37AM
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HoodNative
Posts: 1237 - Karma: 16
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?

A: Depends on how hard u throw them!


oh shit yeah!


--------------
(please insert something cool here)
Feb 21 2004 12:54AM
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rodeo7
Posts: 891 - Karma: 12
haha 'lucky i had a boner!'
**************************
the best idea ever was the one that was diabolicly hatched today at lunch in the hall way of my school. It involved a boat and beer and selling that beer to 14 yearolds for like $3 a bottel, so that way from every 24 we got, we would get 12 and then never have to pay for our own beer again. and if the poilice tried to stop us, we were drive away in a boat (which doesnt have a licence plate) but, if there were on a baot, we were throw peanuts at them, cause its highly probable that one of them in alergic to then and he would go into anaphletic shock and we were get away. if that didnt work we were catapult cows at them and wait for the headlines 'police boat sunk by flying cows'. --Apple.
Feb 21 2004 4:58AM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
this is new schoolers, its not real life, noone cares if u tell racist jokes, i tell some once and a while, there just jokes im not really racist

like this one, why cant stevie wonder read?

cus hes black

and this one,
how do u starve a black man

hide his wellfare checks under his workboots

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 21 2004 5:36PM
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spin
Posts: 1330 - Karma: 11
yea, but then you get the really fuckin terrible jew jokes or whatever that arnt even funny
Feb 21 2004 9:03PM
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spin
Posts: 1330 - Karma: 11
yea, but then you get the really fuckin terrible jew jokes or whatever that arnt even funny
Feb 21 2004 9:03PM
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skrchiq
Posts: 212 - Karma: 10
okay..
so, this girl lived on a street near a stop sign, and she decided she wanted to make some money. so, she builds a machine that breaks down passing cars when she pushes a button. so, the next day she goes out and waits till a guy drives by in his car. she presses the button and his car breaks down. now his car's broken down, so she offers to let him stay at her house. tht night hes up stairs sleeping nd she sneaks into his room. she takes off his pnts and strts giving him a blow job. he wakes up
>and she holds up a sign tht sys, 'fifty dollars or i'll bite!' so he pays her and leaves the next morning. that dy shes over at the stop sign nd nother guy drives by. she presses the button, and sure enough his car breaks down. so, once again she offers her place for the night and he accepts. so, there she is at night in his room nd she kneels down and starts to give him a blow job. he wakes up and she holds up a sign tht sys, 'fifty dollars or i'll bite!' he then says, '100 or i'll piss.'



'...guess i'm just a hypocrite for living out my dreams... it may now make a difference, but i'm trying to make you see, may not make no sense to you, but i know it does to me.'
Feb 21 2004 9:24PM
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GeneralButtNaked
Posts: 7854 - Karma: 89
the first joke is absoloutly disgusting
Feb 21 2004 9:30PM
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davidh
Posts: 4219 - Karma: 8
what's the difference between a black person and a pizza?






A pizza can feed a family of four.
Feb 21 2004 11:30PM
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P-JO
Posts: 6853 - Karma: 75
his mother had a penis? and he gave her head?
sayy what????




-Pat
Feb 21 2004 11:43PM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
^what

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 23 2004 12:31AM
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Ski-hobo
Posts: 7121 - Karma: 15
ok, so this has turned into a joke thread.

Why coulnd't Hellen Keller Drive?


Cause she's a woman.
Feb 23 2004 12:53AM
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Ski-hobo
Posts: 7121 - Karma: 15
There is this old couple and they have been married for a long time. They hadn't had sex in a while, so the wife goes out and buys some crotch less underwear. She goes home and puts them on and goes downstairs. Her husband is sitting in the living room watching sports on tv and she goes and sits in front of him, but he tries to look aroung her at the tv.

She opens her legs and says, 'You want some of this?'

The husban replies, 'Hell no, look what it did to your underwear.'

Feb 23 2004 1:18AM
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Ski-hobo
Posts: 7121 - Karma: 15

There once lived a farmer out in the country who got bored of his everyday farming routine. He woke up one morning and decided that he was going to invest his money in breeding pigs. So he goes down to the local pig auction that afternoon and spends all of his money he has ever saved on ten pigs. He gets them home and puts them all in a pen together. Day after day he wakes in the morning only to find that day after day his pigs are not mating. After a few more days of this he decides to call the veterinarian. The vet comes over and examines the pigs only to discover a very simple problem. The pigs are all girls.
So the farmer having spent his last dime on the ten original pigs asks the Vet what he can do. The vet tells him he has two simple options buy a male pig or load them up into his pickup truck take them down to the pasture and take care of the problem himself. So the farmer thinks to himself and decides that since he is broke he only has one choice.
So the following morning he wakes up loads all ten pigs into his pickup truck and takes them down to the pasture. He then proceeds to fuck the shit out of all ten pigs. When this is finished he loads them back up and drives home. Anxious to see if it had worked he calls the vet to find out how to tell if they are pregnant. The vet says go to sleep and in the morning look out the window, if the pigs are in the sun they are pregnant if they are in the shade they are not. So he anxiously looks out the window only to find they are all in the shade.
He sighs to himself but realizes he has to try again. So again he wakes up loads all ten pigs into his pickup truck and takes them down to the pasture. He then proceeds to fuck the shit out of all ten pigs. When this is finished he loads them back up and drives home. He wakes the next morning and crawls out of bed (you’d be crawling too if you just fucked ten pigs) and looks out the window again they are all in the shade.
So once again he loads all ten pigs into his pickup truck and takes them down to the pasture. He then proceeds to fuck the shit out of all ten pigs. When this is finished he loads them back up and drives home. This time he can barely get out of his truck to go to sleep.
The next morning he wakes up and cant even get out of bed he yells to his wife “honey look out the window and tell me where the pigs are.”
She says “ Well for some reason nine of them are in the back of the pickup and the tenth one is in the cab honking the horn.!!!!”

(copied and pasted)
Feb 23 2004 1:19AM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
i thought i was the only one that liked fucking pigs

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 23 2004 1:28AM
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skrchiq
Posts: 212 - Karma: 10
^lol

so an english man , a scotsman and an irishman all walked into a pub in bell fast. they ordered a pint for each one of them. a fly, for some reason, few into all of thir drinks, so now there is fly in each of theirs. the englishman pushes it aside and refuses to drink his pint. the scotsman plucks the fly out of the drink and continues dinking. the irishman pulls the fly out of the drink.. holds it inron of his nose, and yells 'SPIT IT IT YOU MOTHER FUCKIN BITCH!!!!!!! ALL OF IT!!!!!


'...guess i'm just a hypocrite for living out my dreams... it may now make a difference, but i'm trying to make you see, may not make no sense to you, but i know it does to me.'
Feb 23 2004 1:29AM
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samck89
Posts: 3054 - Karma: 24
what do hellen kellars parents do to punish her?

rearange the furniture and
leave the plunger in the toilet

'hey can i have a butload of cash?... NO'
Johnny d in the cribs segment of 1242
Feb 23 2004 1:35AM
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BachelorIsWEEDbitch
Posts: 533 - Karma: 10
ok so there was this gay couple and they were having sex and the gay person#1 told gay person#2 that he cant have sex till i get home from my busniees trip.....so gay person#1 gets home from the business trip and theres cum allover the walls and asked 'what happened?! i thought i told not to have sex!gayperson#2 sai'i didnt have sex i just farted'
Mar 7 2004 12:52AM
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SheilaTequila
Posts: 1151 - Karma: 81
^awe jeese i didnt need to read that. hahaha
PeNNy
Mar 7 2004 1:18AM
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