Replying to Funny letter

No connection to me, i just think its funny. Copy and pasted:

 Brad, 

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like
the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly
sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people
in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would
ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that
happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much
to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I
absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged
between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different
person.

It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or
something.
The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't
know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you
didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that
this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and
stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I
can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my
behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like
you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can Say or do
to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with
you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right
up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give
anything in the world to rewind and fix it. I am not sure if you will
respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe
some other time.

Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses
are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that
would be great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously
feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was
not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really
don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

this is the response letter

 Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for
"Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about".

You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry
the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is
"a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit
at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran
that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent
removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded
yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you
seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a
clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked
funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers,
golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been
most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24
hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're
a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill
cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child
porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T
chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing
someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone
who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new
haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good
thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad
who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have
a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching
sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I forwarded about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,