Musings of a crazy man.
Friend had mono helped take care of him
Tattoo today took longer than expected
Had
Main outline
Correct PSE
Type outline-did
Topic justification-did
English essay 700 words
Came home
Had outline to finish and had to write my essay, Internetdies
You have no idea how stressful it is to have ideas andknowledge to do something but can’t acquire tools to do them yourself. I amletting myself down due to things I can’t control and I’m going to getdrastically penalized for not doing them. I WANT TO SUCCEED! What is keeping meback? Why can’t I tell anyone how I actually feel? Why do I feel the way I doabout everything? Why do I have so many problems all the time? Is this normaland I’m being a little bitch to reacting to them as such?
I’M ON PROBATION…I’M GOING TO FAIL OUT OF COLLEGE. I DON’TWANT TO FAIL OUT, I AM A SMART PERSON who can get a degree!!! It’s what isexpected of me! Are these feelings normal? Why can’t I be okay with anything?Why won’t my brain shut up and do what I need to do?
IS THIS STRUGGLE SUPPOSED TO BE SO HARD?
Is being in college supposed to be so stressful?
WHY WHY WHY?
I try to answer any of these and more questions just show up
Why do I not care about school at all… I want a passion forlearning, but I can’t find it.
THE ONLY THING PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME IS THAT THIS IS ALLNORMAL, THEN WHY DO I FEEL SO OUT OF PLACE? I need to go camping.
I’M SCARED TO FAIL… ALL I FEEL IS NOTHING MIXED WITHEXCITEMENT AND GUILT
WHY IS MY BRAIN ALWAYS MOVING FASTER THAN I CANCOMMUNTICATE, why am I so crazy? Is it wrong to blame my mom for all thisanxiety?
I feel separated and connected at the same time. Why can’t Ideal with my own thoughts? I drug myself to shut them up
I am a walking contradiction.
All I can look at is the big picture, and can’t make myselfdo anything worth while.
WHY DOES MY CULTURE HAVE THESE THINGS I HAVE TO DO TOSUCCEED?
Do well in school in HS to get into college
Do well in college to get a good job
Go back to college for more $
Get a job and work in the same field for the rest of my life
Find someone I want to be with
Have kids
Rinse and repeat?
I feel like an immersed sponge of ideas getting wrung out inthe same bucket of water
I like the people around me and I like skiing andphotography
Is that where I should go?
Every possible job I imagine myself in all I see is me beingmediocre, is it wrong to not want that?
I have will,tons of it… I just can’t focus, on anything…at all
So let’s see where I’m at…
Stubborn
Have tons of will power
Constant flow of new ideas, always self rejecting
I love my life I just don’t know what I want to do with it.
thanks NS.
EndFragment
