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My stand up comedy skit

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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813

alright I wrote this stand up and am looking for reactions and constructive criticism.. I know its long but its worth it... enjoy

When I watch tv, I see too many comercials with shit falling out of the sky. What do people find so cool about solid and often painfull things plumiting towards you at maximum velocity? You know, you see a woman in a comercial walking with her cute little baby and all of a sudden car keys start to plummit from the sky and this chick is happy. “yay keeeeys! I can finaly have a mini van! Yay!” NO! Not yay... NAY! There are sharp metal objects falling from the sky towards this womans inocent baby and she is happy! These keys are probably all rusty from being in the clouds and wont only scar her baby permenantly but infect its wounds with rust!

 

Now lets just asume that by some myracle the woman and her baby are safe. What are you going to do with these keys! Good luck finding the right door to fit these keys into. Thousands of keys have precipitated around you, do you realy think your going to find the car that matches with these keys. NO! Your probably going to try out a bunch of different cars and end up in jail for attempted grand theft auto! Good luck heeling your babys infected wounds in prison!

 

Fuck that I dont want anything falling out of the sky. I dont want to be driving home after a hard day and when Im on the highway, solid objects start crashing onto my car! No I dont want that! I dont want anything falling out of the sky that I cant turn into water. Scratching and denting my car! The next thing falling out of the sky better be salsa red metalic paint to fix these scratches! And it better not still be in the bucket! ...... my car is actualy rusty grey... I just want an upgrade!

 

The only thing that wouldnt piss me off is money. If  dollar bills start falling out of the sky heres what I would do ( this part acted)

-         “just driving on the highway, cant wait to get home....”

-         “fuck this new salsa red metalic paint looks good”

asside: at this point dollar bills start falling onto my windshield and no one gets pissed off at this point. You dont go ahh these hundred dollar bills are obstructing my view, Im going to put the wipers on. NO! You slam on the brakes in the middle of the highway and run out of the car to grab as much as you can! ( act the picking up ) people start crashing into your car but you dont care no your exited! (super exited voice) “ pff I dont care about that shit box! IM BUYING A LAMBO!” ( look down again, pretend to hold a bill) “FUCK THIS IS CANADIEN TIRE MONEY!”

Apr 5 2009 2:04PM
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Blurst
Posts: 13577 - Karma: 10,169

solid idea for sure.

Apr 5 2009 2:08PM
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Shredneck
Posts: 2051 - Karma: -32
you should vid yourself and post it for the full effect. Its good stuff but its only like a 3min sketch you need to build up like 15 or 20 min imo
Apr 5 2009 2:11PM
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SKIDUBAIGUY
Posts: 3018 - Karma: 8

When I watch tv, I see too many comercials with shit falling out of the sky. What do people find so cool about solid and often painfull things plumiting towards you at maximum velocity? You know, you see a woman in a comercial walking with her cute little baby and all of a sudden car keys start to plummit from the sky and this chick is happy. “yay keeeeys! I can finaly have a mini van! Yay!” There are sharp metal objects falling from the sky towards this womans inocent baby and she is happy?! These keys are probably all rusty from being in the clouds and wont only scar her baby permenantly but infect its wounds with rust!

Now lets just asume that by some miricle the woman and her baby are safe. What are you going to do with these keys? Good luck finding the right door to fit these keys into. Thousands of keys have precipitated around you, do you realy think your going to find the car that matches with these keys? Your probably going to try out a bunch of different cars and end up in jail for attempted grand theft auto! Good luck heeling your babys infected wounds in prison!

Fuck that I dont want anything falling out of the sky. I dont want to be driving home after a hard day and when Im on the highway, solid objects start crashing onto my car! No I dont want that! I dont want anything falling out of the sky that I cant turn into water. Scratching and denting my car! The next thing falling out of the sky better be salsa red metalic paint to fix these scratches! And it better not still be in the bucket! ...... my car is actualy rusty grey... I just want an upgrade!

The only thing that wouldnt piss me off is money. If dollar bills start falling out of the sky heres what I would do ( this part acted)

- “just driving on the highway, cant wait to get home....”

- “fuck this new salsa red metalic paint looks good”

asside: at this point dollar bills start falling onto my windshield and no one gets pissed off at this point. You dont go ahh these hundred dollar bills are obstructing my view, Im going to put the wipers on.Fuck that! You slam on the brakes in the middle of the highway and run out of the car to grab as much as you can! ( act the picking up ) people start crashing into your car but you dont care no your exited! (super exited voice) “ pff I dont care about that shit box! IM BUYING A LAMBO!” ( look down again, pretend to hold a bill) “FUCK THIS IS CANADIEN TIRE MONEY!”

Apr 5 2009 2:16PM
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SKIDUBAIGUY
Posts: 3018 - Karma: 8
Oh yeah, forgot to add, i fix'd it.
Apr 5 2009 2:19PM
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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813
Yah for sure its short right now. its at the begining stages ( I just finished it right before posting it) Im planning to make this only one skit out of a pretty long television based stand up. recording it would be sick, I agree im going to finish writing the rest of the skit and then practicing it. maybe i could do a video... thanks
Apr 5 2009 2:23PM
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timmi
Posts: 12874 - Karma: 3,460
that sounds pretty funny.

i would like to put together an act. i have a lot of ideas for it that i never end up writting down and usually forget.
Apr 5 2009 2:23PM
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skithesprings
Posts: 9086 - Karma: 1,349

my editorial opinion.

When I watch tv, I see too many comercials with shit falling out of the sky. What do people find so cool about solid and often painfull things plumiting towards you at maximum velocity? You know, you see a woman in a comercial walking with her cute little baby and all of a sudden car keys start to plummit from the sky and this chick is happy. “yay keeeeys! I can finaly have a mini van! Yay!” NO! Not yay... NAY! There are sharp metal objects falling from the sky towards this womans inocent baby and she is happy!

These keys are probably all rusty from being in the clouds and wont only scar her baby permenantly but infect its wounds with rust! (you could do without this part)

Now lets just asume that by some miracle the woman and her baby are safe. What are you going to do with these keys! Good luck finding the right door to fit these keys into. Thousands of keys have precipitated around you, do you realy think your going to find the car that matches with these keys. NO!

Your probably going to try out a bunch of different cars and end up in jail for attempted grand theft auto! Good luck heeling your babys infected wounds in prison! (meh, too much)

Fuck that I dont want anything falling out of the sky. I dont want to be driving home after a hard day and when Im on the highway, solid objects start crashing onto my car! No I dont want that! I dont want anything falling out of the sky that isnt water. Scratching and denting my car! The next thing falling out of the sky better be salsa red metalic paint to fix these scratches! And it better not still be in the bucket! ...... my car is actualy rusty grey... I just want an upgrade!

The only thing that wouldnt piss me off is money. If  dollar bills start falling out of the sky heres what I would do ( this part acted)

-         “just driving on the highway, cant wait to get home....”

-         “fuck this new salsa red metalic paint looks good”

asside: at this point dollar bills start falling onto my windshield and no one gets pissed off at this point. You dont go ahh these hundred dollar bills are obstructing my view, Im going to put the wipers on. NO! You slam on the brakes in the middle of the highway and run out of the car to grab as much as you can! ( act the picking up ) people start crashing into your car but you dont care no your exited! (super exited voice) “ pff I dont care about that shit box! IM BUYING A LAMBO!” ( look down again, pretend to hold a bill) “FUCK THIS IS CANADIEN TIRE MONEY!”

really actually quite funny, i just thought that the first two paragraphs went a bit too far.

Apr 5 2009 2:26PM
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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813
why would you make these changes?
Apr 5 2009 2:26PM
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SKIDUBAIGUY
Posts: 3018 - Karma: 8
I took out all the NO! AND YES!'s because their not good to have in, in their place can be a pause, more effective.
Apr 5 2009 2:50PM
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fujarome
Posts: 8630 - Karma: 1,561
i think it's ok, and i understand it's just a start, so i think with a lot more it could be really good. While reading this, i think on stage this would probably be like a 45 second skit. And remember, it's stand up comedy, don't overthink it. It's also alot better to not have a big plan but rather just go out with a few short ideas, and just build. Once i get going about 1 topic, my mind normally just leads me onto more and more stuff and before you know i'll have been talking for like 45 minutes. And stories about your life, even if you exagerate the shit out of them are usually hilarious

but i like this, its a good start.
Apr 5 2009 2:56PM
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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813
thanks for the advice! this would be my first stand up so I dont realy know how the process goes so this is a learning process. I guess ths is mostly to organise my thoughts, when I practice it the words will probably change to flow out more naturaly. thanks for the input
Apr 5 2009 3:06PM
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fujarome
Posts: 8630 - Karma: 1,561
no problem, i'm not the best source for advice but i try to help with what i can. I've never really done any legit performances, really only a few of those open mic night type things they have at my college and my friends have forced me to go up and do a bit of a comedic rant. I enjoy doing it, but i hate a bit of stage fright. Once i'm past that though, its really only the time limit that kills me. Even made a few jokes out of how shitty the next performer is going to be and how i might as well just stay up instead.

its fun though once you can actually do it
Apr 5 2009 3:17PM
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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813
yah being on stage is definately sick! Iv always wanted to be a rockstar but I suck at music, so I figure I could do comedy instead!
Apr 5 2009 3:22PM
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fujarome
Posts: 8630 - Karma: 1,561
yea, even though it's not that many people, i'm afraid of somehow becoming "that kid who makes no one laugh" on campus. I've always wanted to try to do more, but i'm afraid i'd run out of funny shit, and it would turn out terribly.
Apr 5 2009 3:26PM
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no_steeze
Posts: 23992 - Karma: 4,272
the end was a bit sloppy but the rest was well done
Apr 5 2009 3:27PM
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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813
yah I thought that too... its hard to put into words what I have in my mind, il work on that for sure
Apr 5 2009 3:30PM
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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813
anyone else?
Apr 5 2009 6:47PM
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BigJim
Posts: 837 - Karma: 73
that was horrible matt, malcom and i just read it together and well..... its just awful...

haha just kidding i thought it was pretty funny, good job

Apr 6 2009 4:27PM
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An10a_Eng
Posts: 2505 - Karma: 26
its not horrible but i definitely wouldnt quit your day job.
Apr 6 2009 4:28PM
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Malcolm
Posts: 15951 - Karma: 9,451
i like it! id change a couple of things though
Apr 6 2009 4:33PM
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davyjones
Posts: 617 - Karma: 12
as i was reading it i just thought of dane cook the whole time because to me it sounds like stuff he would say..i really didn't like it
Apr 6 2009 5:31PM
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Blurst
Posts: 13577 - Karma: 10,169
Dane Cook is a multi millionaire though so if its that sorta style he will have alot of people to appeal to.
Apr 6 2009 5:47PM
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AbeFroman
Posts: 1268 - Karma: -4
it def sounded like dane cook but thats not a bad thing because people like him but i wouldnt try to sound too much like him i thought it was a good start though...(except i have never seen a commercial like that)
Apr 6 2009 8:14PM
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Elijah.
Posts: 9322 - Karma: 76
Perform it an open mike and let us know how it goes!
Apr 6 2009 8:15PM
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bananas
Posts: 1419 - Karma: 158

you made me lol

[IMG]icseguess.com/uploads/images/funny_dog_man_doctored_picture.jpg[/IMG]

Apr 6 2009 8:40PM
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bananas
Posts: 1419 - Karma: 158

fail

Apr 6 2009 8:41PM
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BigJew
Posts: 6974 - Karma: 79
I thought it was stupid. Nothing about that was funny to an adult audience. I'm assuming you're about 12 by your spelling and subject matter and I think that it would only really appeal to that age group.
Apr 6 2009 8:44PM
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MatRich
Posts: 4789 - Karma: 1,813
what are you talking about? you obviously dont watch too many stand ups. what do you consider a mature subject? most of comedy you see on tv is about absolutely nothing... its mostly played out and simple jokes about sex or relationships that a six year old could write. Not saying that these arnt funny or done by good comediens but thats whats out there and thats what works. dane cook for christ sakes does stand ups about burger king, cool aid and evil battle monkeys... yah its not mature but hey I think hes pretty well off! comedy dosnt have to be mature in fact it should be immature because, it is when you are young and immature that you have the most fun. comedy is a way of bringing people out of their serious lives and allow them to return to this mind set and have some fun.
Apr 6 2009 9:34PM
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bananas
Posts: 1419 - Karma: 158
hahahaha its the toyota commercial, i loled when i saw it
Apr 7 2009 6:38PM
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Captain-T
Posts: 855 - Karma: 47
Its alright. As everyone said, its very Dane Cook like. Im not a huge fan of Dane anymore. Its extremely hard to judge when its not being verbally said by someone.
Apr 7 2009 8:18PM
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BigJew
Posts: 6974 - Karma: 79
I'm not saying you need to talk about mature subjects. It's hard to say.. but all of your jokes were things that I would have found funny when I was 6. You said that something everyone knew was stupid was stupid. What good comedians do is say something that you think is normal is ridiculous. Everyone knows keys falling from the sky is really a bad idea.

I'm not saying you need to talk about drugs and sex all of the time.
Apr 7 2009 8:40PM
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