Replying to Hey NS, can you help me with my college essay

Hey so I've written this college essay, and I'm going for something kinda lighthearted and sarcastic, can you guys give it a read, and then tell me what you liked, didn't like, what I should definately keep, what i should change.... pretty much anything

thanks a bunch guys +karma

Dear Application Reader Person,

I must say, this whole process of writing a college essay has turned out to be much harder then I expected. At first I had thought it would have been no problem to crank out a couple paragraphs on some outstanding accomplishment that I’ve made. Perhaps, I’d write about the time that I found the cure to cancer. You see I was just messing around trying to create the best dipping sauce ever to grace the earth, the main ingredients were Ranch Dressing, Cholula, and Ketchup, and then out of nowhere I came upon it. With a ratio of about 5:2:1, I had found a 100% guaranteed cure for cancer! But then again that was over a year ago, so maybe it would be more apt to write about something that shows a little more of the recent me. Oh!, of course. I just invented a toaster that never, NEVER, burns your toast, but is also equally assured to never spit out some lukewarm piece of bread at you. Because there is nothing more demoralizing then staring at a piece of bread with some jam smeared across it like some half hearted attempt to convince your taste buds that it truly is toast, when in reality hidden underneath the jam is simply a piece of bread that has been walked through warm room. Then again you spend your days reading these essays, so I’m sure you’ve heard about virtually everything under the sun. I truly want to stand out though, and frankly with all these newfangled brands like LG to compete with, I’m just not sure if my toaster will hold up to critics reviews once they find the duct tape that holds it together, so I’m going to have to find something a bit more extraordinary if I really want to jump out of the page. The only problem is I can’t exactly think of anything truly out of the ordinary that I’ve done… I mean there was that one time when I wrestled a cougar blindfolded, but I promise it’s not quite as exciting as it sounds.

Maybe describing a personal experience isn’t the way to go after all. Hmm. I suppose I could try the whole idea of simply writing a sarcastic essay, but then again I’ve never been very good at that type of thing, quite simply I just can’t tell a lie. To be honest with you, it’s actually a bit of a hassle sometimes. The whole not lying thing. But I guess it’s just one of the downsides to being a superhero; on the other hand, I suppose the fact that I can leap tall buildings in a single bound, and take down bad guys using only mind bullets probably counter balances any downsides. Oh, and did I mention that saving the damsel in distress always has its perks as well… Anyways, back to my original thought of finding a new topic. I remember I once read an example college essay that just was a recipe for cranberry bread, with some random memories thrown in. I could try that, but I’m not sure how to make cranberry bread, so I’d have to find something else. I do make a mean grilled cheese sandwich. I’ll give you a hint; it’s all about the pepper jack cheese and a plethora of butter. This is a college essay though, so I’m probably suppose to be making myself look like quite the intellectual, and frankly grilled cheese sandwich’s don’t seem like a very intellectual food. How about a recipe for tea and pipe tobacco, now that’s intellectual. Then you could picture me nodding and tipping my pipe and saying “quite so, quite so” in Sean Connery’s voice.

How else can I make myself look like a boy genius to you? Maybe I’ll use some really big words. How about antidisestablishmentarianism, oh yeah! That ones a whopper! And guess what else, spell check didn’t even have to fix it for me, well ok it had to change one measly little letter, because I by accident didn’t press the 3rd “i” hard enough, but really, who’s counting?

I just reread this essay, and realized that I have quite the knack for rambling on and on in random directions. And you know what, I think that represents me more then any old personal “I helped the old lady who slipped on the ice” story ever could. So there you have it Mr. or Mrs. or perhaps Ms. Application Reader Person, I’m Matt Mulligan, and my hands are now in your fate.

Wait, switch that… you’re the one holding my hands.

I mean fate.