• Forums
  • Non-Ski Gabber
  • Amusing Stories. Nothing more. Don't click if you get angry with pointlessness.

Member of the Month

hi_vis360
November, 2024

Online

Welcome to the Newschoolers forums! You may read the forums as a guest, however you must be a registered member to post. Register to become a member today!

Amusing Stories. Nothing more. Don't click if you get angry with pointlessness.

profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
So for those of you who don't know I work at a summer resort as Social Staff (basically we just make sure guests are having the best possible time however we can) and one of our jobs is to dress up as various popular characters and greet people at meal times. Characters like Scooby Doo, Winnie the Pooh, shit like that. We're not supposed to talk in them but we always fuck around with the kids, for example whenever I'm Pinnochio I love to squeal "I'm a real boy!" as they're walking away then fake like nothing happened. Anyways... here's two classics because I'm bored as shit and I assume you might be too.

#1
So my cousin brought this girl home from a party and he was trying to, you know, do his thing but he had whiskey dick and couldn't get it up. So... being my cousin (ridiculous son of a bitch) he decides the next best thing is to... toss her salad. No joke. If it were anyone but my cousin, I wouldn't believe it, but you'd have to hear the stories about him.. Outrageous. Anyways, so she of course freaks the fuck out and runs off. Next morning he's dressed up as a lion and he goes up the front desk to talk to our friend Butler and he asks my cousin what happened the night before... while my cousin is in this stupid fucking lion outfit.

"Well... we were fooling around but uh... I had too much alcohol..."
"So...?"
"I... uh.. I tried to well... well I tried to tongue a certain part of her body that she didn't appreciate very much so... thinks didn't work out"

So of course Butler starts laughing his ass off and he calls over this old-ass lady who works at the front desk with him and instructs my cousin to repeat the story for her just to give him shit and he abruptly turns around and walks away, massive lion head hanging in shame in front of a crowd of people.

#2
So today my friend Cliff, big dude, is in the Mario outfit and he has the farts. Normally I relish having the farts in those outfits as it keeps kids away from me so I don't have to deal with them, but apparently he wasn't so clever. So he's holding in this monster and he's cramping up like he's about to die, and he knows he can't take it any longer so he decides to make light of the situation. These two brothers have been bugging him nonstop (which is why he hadn't let it go by now) so he turns to them and motions for them to pull his finger. They oblige, and of course Mario lets out this majestic trumpeting of escaping gas. The two brothers turn to each other like "No fucking way that just happened" and run to tell their parents, but they don't believe them. Epic.
May 26 2008 8:07PM
0 0
profile picture
breckfreeskier
Posts: 1541 - Karma: 22
sounds like a sick job man, funny stories
May 26 2008 8:13PM
0 0
profile picture
p_n
Posts: 573 - Karma: 26
wut the hell was wrong with the bitch in the first story? did she jus flip shit cuz she had herpes or somthin
May 26 2008 8:16PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
It is dude, I fucking love it. New beautiful girls come every week and I basically get paid to be outgoing and confident and talk/mess around with them and their families, and then I get to see them later at one of the parties that happen as frequently as they do on a college campus. It's great. Of course given the situation, there much better stories but I heard the second one today and found it hysterical so I decided to focus on character-related ones in this thread. Some other day when I'm bored I'll do a new theme for other bored people.
May 26 2008 8:18PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Hahaha dude, I donno, if some girl I just met that day tried to eat out my asshole I'd probably wig shit too.
May 26 2008 8:19PM
0 0
profile picture
p_n
Posts: 573 - Karma: 26
post more stories, there funny shit
May 26 2008 8:19PM
0 0
profile picture
860
Posts: 2930 - Karma: 166
yeah thats what I was thinking, why would she freak out?
May 26 2008 8:19PM
0 0
profile picture
BMB
Posts: 3138 - Karma: 232
haha good stories. have you ever gotten kicked in the balls by some kid who's freaked out? Where is that place?
May 26 2008 8:33PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
This one is... kinda gross... haha. But here goes.

As I said, my cousin is kind of a ridiculous person. So he was working bumper cars and this family comes in and they're in there for awhile, whatever, and as they're leaving their fat daughter says she "forgot something" and that she'd just catch up with them in a few hours.  They leave, and she gets all over my cousin. Now... being my cousin, instead of being intelligent, he decides "Fuck it... there's no one here, I might as well hook up and get paid for it" even though this girl is rather large. So he takes her to the back room there, and starts fingering her, but it turns out she's so hideous that no one's broken her ah.. "shield" yet... so she starts bleeding. All over my cousin's pants. So he shamefully exits and works the entire rest of the day (the person who told me the story put it at four hours) with virgin blood on his shorts, of course enduring painfully embarrassing questions from guests and co-workers alike all fucking day.
May 26 2008 8:38PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
It's called Woodloch, it's right near Hawley, PA. About an hour from Scranton. I've never gotten kicked in the balls by a freaked out kid but I have been punched in the balls, the head, and the stomach by kids who knew there was a person under the suit so they decided to be little pricks about it. Fucking sucks, those things are 500 degrees and you have little bastards trying to take off your mask, chasing you around, and trying to get you to do shit for them like a dog. Worst part of the job by far haha, only thing that makes it bearable is an iPod.
May 26 2008 8:40PM
0 0
profile picture
p_n
Posts: 573 - Karma: 26
all i hav to say to that story is hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah and also eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, and one more thing, i love these stories
May 26 2008 8:41PM
0 0
profile picture
VT_scratch
Posts: 8797 - Karma: 6,300
hahaah. + ewwww as p_n said

i love stories like this on NS
May 26 2008 8:51PM
0 0
profile picture
TheMoostafian
Posts: 4504 - Karma: 9,437
hahahahah

post some more
May 26 2008 8:55PM
0 0
profile picture
kimmm
Posts: 141 - Karma: 59
hahaha NO SHIT! as soon as i started reading this thread, i thought of Woodloch and how my friends used to have that job hahaha what a small world man
May 26 2008 9:03PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
That's fucking crazy haha, when did they work here? I'm actually about to head, but when I'm hungover tomorrow I'll get some up, got me the day off so I certainly will be...
May 26 2008 9:05PM
0 0
profile picture
purplejumpsuit
Posts: 2208 - Karma: 157
your stories are awesome ha ha. cant wait to read more tomorrow.
May 26 2008 9:47PM
0 0
profile picture
elk.
Posts: 1597 - Karma: 117
Something kinda happened like that in my school some girl was gonna have sex but she had her peroid so they decided to do it in the butt and everyone this whole year keeps asking "hey you still sore "?
May 26 2008 10:01PM
0 0
profile picture
Nicholas.
Posts: 10905 - Karma: 60
haha summer resort jobs are legit. my bro and his friends were all lifeguards at smuggs...


one night he had to make out with this fat chick so his friend could fuck this smokin hot girl. she flat out said he had to. so my brother funneled captain mo beforehand, made out with her until his friend was getting some, then puked everywhere.

another kid he was friends with in a night at the resort did all of these things in one night

-passed out naked in a bathroom
-won a rap battle (naked) against a kid who was a sick rapper from queens, all on video, no idea how he did it.
-fucked a 300 lb chick with potential stds with no rubber, busted in her.
-drove home his bmw, somehow losing a tire, drive home somehow with just a rim on his car about 50 miles.
-parked his car on his lawn in that condition at 6 AM
-got reamed the fuck out by his dad soon after.
May 26 2008 10:19PM
0 0
profile picture
elk.
Posts: 1597 - Karma: 117
THAT MAN IS ONE HELL OF A WING MAN
May 26 2008 10:22PM
0 0
profile picture
BMB
Posts: 3138 - Karma: 232
ahahahahahaahahaah, man your cousin never misses a shameful moment.
so i went on this sailing trip for BS last year and this kid starts to get sea sick, but the captain has the seasick device bracelet thingy so the kid puts it on and is fine. 20 minutes later the kid's like uhh think its not working anymore. so he puts his head over the boat so if he barfs it'll go in the ocean finally after 5 minutes he barfs, i was oh shit, its red and chunky, plus some got on the boat, gross, but then it got cleansed up, and all was well.
May 26 2008 10:42PM
0 0
profile picture
breckfreeskier
Posts: 1541 - Karma: 22
that man is amazing, I have no idea how any person could manage all of that in the same night
May 26 2008 11:12PM
0 0
profile picture
jason...
Posts: 9006 - Karma: 780
your bros friend is the man, thats fucking awesome
May 26 2008 11:18PM
0 0
profile picture
bibs_skibum
Posts: 4462 - Karma: 449
mythreads.  Cant wait for more
May 27 2008 12:15AM
0 0
profile picture
spliff.Life
Posts: 7847 - Karma: 1,549
hahahaha, that was pretty entertaining
May 27 2008 12:23AM
0 0
profile picture
SirFryanator
Posts: 11149 - Karma: 1,415
I'll add. I went to a party with one of my more sketchy friends and we had a couple of people there who looked like they would cut my nuts off if I even looked a little cross-eyed at them.
My friend has told some people I rap so I get challenged by some huge black dude who was actually really chill to a rap battle. apparently I didnt do too badly, but it was sketchy anyways. His name was Stan haha
Some girl is impressed, so we get to chatting. I'm a little tipsy at this point and a mexican dude comes up to me. He is somewhat pissed off about something which I was not really sure of but in any case he was drunk. Really drunk. So he asks me what I thought about the girl and I was like "she's pretty cool" and he's like "you don't think she's hot? You don't want to bone her?" and I was like "ummm" and he pulls a fucking knife on me. So basically I do what any scared kid would do and back off hands up. apparently he's really chill with her and he was just messing with me but also he didn't like me for some reason.
So my friend who is totally smashed tells me to get the fuck out of the party. I ride the metro bus back to his house and get there no problems. I wait for 2 hours, he comes back (a friend drove him), pukes all over his bed, and passes out.

I see the chick in the mall a week later and she doesn't remember who I am and it ends up being an awkward moment.
May 27 2008 12:35AM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Hahaha, who's the friend, that is fucking unreal. If it were anyone but you and Chris, I wouldn't believe it... wow.

So I got another one, from last night no less, that I just heard today. So fantastic. I was gonna post a different one but this one takes priority, we'll save the other for later. So for the full effect, I'm going to have to reveal my cousin... now, this man fell out of a two story window when he was little so he has a lisp like you wouldn't believe, it's fucking hysterical. Here's a picture (he's on the left).
Click for larger image

So... my ill-fated cousin approaches this girl he's been hitting on all night and he's just been getting shot down. Over and over. He takes a break and comes back into the arena with this:

"Hey, so uh.. do you like the movie Borat?"
"Uhm.. yeah, it was OK I guess?"
"I LIKEEA YOOOOUUU"

And apparently this girl just melted and starts making out with him right there in the middle of the party. According to her friends, she NEVER makes out with random guys, but this brilliant pick-up line worked. I donno, I fucking broke down when I heard this, Jesus Christ...

More to come. We should just make this into the Epic Random Story Thread.


May 27 2008 12:51AM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Annnnd I'm drunk and posted the wrong picture but of course he's the one on the right getting his ass mock slapped.
May 27 2008 12:52AM
0 0
profile picture
Nicholas.
Posts: 10905 - Karma: 60
haha the kid who did all the shit was john thornburg, and hes deffinetly NOT the man. the fat girl could have his child for all we know. but the rap battle shit is sick. haha.
May 27 2008 12:59AM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Hahahaha, yep, I can definitely see John doing all that in a single night. As you said - not the man, but still... that's rather legendary.
May 27 2008 1:01AM
0 0
profile picture
kimmm
Posts: 141 - Karma: 59
ahhhhahahah oh man, i know your cousin!!! hahahah hilarious, he is pretty ridiculous
May 27 2008 4:57PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Robbie Bloch? You know Bert? Hahaha, wow, this is unbelievable..
May 27 2008 5:10PM
0 0
profile picture
fsscott
Posts: 4684 - Karma: 114
These are all so goldem
mad karma here
May 27 2008 6:02PM
0 0
profile picture
kimmm
Posts: 141 - Karma: 59
hahaha yea really. I've met him a few times, i'm good friends with the Kranichs, went to highschool with Pat and Liv... also, he had a thing for my best friend Katie last summer hahah
May 27 2008 8:09PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Bert has a thing for a lot of girls haha... that's fucking awesome though, Pat is the shit. I don't know Liv too well (if at all?) but 90% of the parties I've been to here have been at Pat's, he's bought 22 kegs or something absurd over the past two months. If you're in or around the Woodloch area you should definitely stop by, it's a good time.

Everyone who's here for the stories... they're coming, I'm lazy.
May 27 2008 8:19PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Alright, I can't sleep and I have three hours before work so I'll appease the masses.

So my cousin (we'll refer to him as either Robbie or Bert from now on because so many stories are about him) had been hitting on this girl all night and things were going pretty well for him, so he asked if she wanted to come over to his place after things quieted down and she agreed. Near the end of the party, however, things went south when one of his best friends informed Robbie that he was too drunk to drive. Bert lives about fifty feet from the major party center in Woodloch while pretty much everyone else has to drive, so... despite his prior commitment, Robbie, in his infinite generosity, offers up his couch as sleeping quarters.

Unfortunately the couch at my cousin's house makes a Motel 6 look like a five star resort in Mexico. It lies about five feet from the thin wall that separates Bert's room from the living room, and having a guest would not deter my rather horny cousin from his ultimate objective. So... despite being demolished, my cousin's friend was unable to sleep for the ENTIRE NIGHT due to the primal noises coming from the room. Yes. The entire night. Now, it is important to remember that my cousin has a massive lisp. It is also important for me to now point out that he's 24 and from everything I've been told, he gets disgusting amounts of tail. Now for the morning conversation.

He comes out, chest all puffed out with pride, with a huge shit-eating grin on his face.
"So did you hear me last night?"
"Are you fucking kidding me, Bert? Your room is five feet away, I heard everything. I didn't sleep."
"Yeah? That was so great."
"Yeah. Fucking great, Bert."
"Yeah. That was the first time I made a girl cum."
At which point my cousin's friend exploded with laughter, instantly collapsing to the ground and waking up the sleeping girl, who received a lot of muffled, lame excuses as to what had caused such explosive laughter from someone who had been forced to listen to her fool around with my cousin all goddamn night.

And that was the story of my cousin's first success at making a girl orgasm.


May 28 2008 6:08AM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
So, we got ourselves another story that's COMPLETELY unrelated to the others, but holy fucking shit that was ridiculous.

I decided to take it easy tonight so I'm just chilling downstairs (where I live) smoking bowls and browsing NS when all of a sudden I hear a huge crash from upstairs. Naturally interested, I venture upstairs to see what my roommates are up to. I open the door to see my massive roommate (we're talking 300 pounds plus) trembling in fear behind a door and when I give him a confused look he practically shrieks "THERE WAS A FUCKING BAT IN MY ROOM! HOLY SHIT! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" and right as he finished that sentence, no shit, a bat flew about a foot from my face.

So after all that trash talking about my huge roommate acting like a little girl, that sight nearly sent me tumbling down my stairs despite the warning. I'm high as shit and OH MY GOD, what the FUCK!? Apparently he was just in his room watching a game when that thing flew out of fucking nowhere and nearly gave him a heart attack. So we open the doors and make little attempts to chase it out but we end up just ducking and fleeing in fear whenever it flew near us (it got close, bats are fucking creepy-ass shit haha). I know subconsciously bats are harmless but that knowledge doesn't mean shit when a goddamn bat is tearing around your home at fifty fucking miles an hour mere inches from your person. Especially when you're blitzed. Of course all our commotion was only scaring it more and causing it to be more flighty and outrageous.

So being the bitches we are we go to get our badass cat, Chuck. This cat is a pimp, he chills most of the time but he doesn't take shit. He beats the crao out of our year-old chocolate lab, Bosco. He'll run out of range and then start jabbing and shit with both paws like a freakin' boxer, and I mean this is a puppy, he assaults the cat pretty brutally and Chuck just fucks him up. If we had a video camera it would be the most popular video on YouTube in seconds. Anyways, so we get Chuck to take this fucker out.

So Chuck wanders around the floor for a little while and idly watches this thing swoop around like a baller. Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he swats this thing mid-flight and nearly sends it careening into our refrigerator. Fuck yeah! But he's still up, roaming around. Chuck prepares for another attack. BOOM! He jumps up about three feet off the ground and grabs the bat with both paws MID-FLIGHT and brings that little bastard to the ground and just starts ripping at it. The bat manages to escape but he's flying all wounded and slow so we take a big thing of cardboard and bat it until it goes down. Holy shit. That was fucking epic. Hahahahaha...




May 28 2008 10:16PM
0 0
profile picture
WikiWiki
Posts: 5584 - Karma: 426
epic story
May 28 2008 10:28PM
0 0
profile picture
Shpadoinkle
Posts: 10437 - Karma: 84
HAHA! I want a cat named Chuck!
May 28 2008 10:29PM
0 0
profile picture
kewp
Posts: 79 - Karma: 24
This thread rocks!
May 28 2008 10:30PM
0 0
profile picture
Happy.
Posts: 1248 - Karma: 9
Shits epic, remind me of chasing a racoon around my friends house with garbage bags wasted...
May 28 2008 10:32PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Haha, except raccoons are actually dangerous shit, what happened? Jesus, that's real scary shit haha, raccoons don't mess around.
May 28 2008 10:33PM
0 0
profile picture
breckfreeskier
Posts: 1541 - Karma: 22
We need to make a cult for random epic stories. Any interest, let me know and i will waste my time making one. ^^^ epic bat story by the way
May 28 2008 10:35PM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Haha, I'm definitely down for a Random Epic Story Cult. Whenever I'm bored on NS and I've run out of videos to watch my favorite thing to do is read/write huge stories about crazy shit that's completely unrelated to anything.
May 28 2008 10:38PM
0 0
profile picture
breckfreeskier
Posts: 1541 - Karma: 22
Join up everybody, it is auto accept

https://newschoolers.com/web/content/viewcult/action/view/id/4272/
May 28 2008 10:51PM
0 0
profile picture
[~_~]
Posts: 20239 - Karma: 1,273
My girlfriend wakes me up with a phone call, and after I hang up I feel hungry because her hair smells like waffles. So I go downstairs to make some beef and barley soup. I am standing in front of the stove wearing just boxers, when I lift the pot lid to see if it is done cooking. At this point, a giant soup bubble pops and explodes all over my bare chest.

Then I realize how ironic it is that just 5 minutes ago I was safely in bed sleeping, and now I am screaming like a little girl while waving my arms with an oversized spoon in my hand at 2:00 in the morning. I'm glad nobody walked in at that point...that would've been slightly awkward.
May 29 2008 12:07AM
0 0
profile picture
doritos
Posts: 7368 - Karma: 53
Probably the most random, and yet perhaps the most epic story of the thread. Hahahahahahaha.
I love "and after I hang up I feel hungry because her hair smells like waffles".

May 29 2008 12:16AM
0 0
profile picture
Happy.
Posts: 1248 - Karma: 9
hahaha nothing, it left/we forgot what we were doing and went back to whatever we were doing before.
May 29 2008 12:22AM
0 0
profile picture
[~_~]
Posts: 20239 - Karma: 1,273
yarrrr I just got $450 in tickets last night YARRRRRg
May 29 2008 2:52PM
0 0
profile picture
Barf.
Posts: 1188 - Karma: 123
Amazing Thread!
May 29 2008 3:26PM
0 0
profile picture
meggles
Posts: 3156 - Karma: 54
What an incredible thread.


So my mom called a car a dildo-mobile the other day.
May 29 2008 3:55PM
0 0
profile picture
ChanchoVelez.
Posts: 1029 - Karma: 11
sick stories dude
May 29 2008 4:07PM
0 0
All times are Eastern (-5)