Wisdom teeth

alpentalik$ posted this a while back... (in 2002)

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OK, Idon't know why I haven't shared this with y'all earlier, but anyhow...heregoes: Last year I got my wisdom teeth pulled...pretty standard procedure, theshit they put me on was great...the stories are all the same. Anyhoweverything's going smoothly. My mom's pampering me with McDonalds fries andmilkshakes and shit, shit hurts, but no worries because that's the game. I'mtaking codone and penecillin, the usual deal. Anyhow, a week passes and Irealize that I haven't taken a shit yet, but it's not really bugging me,probably because I haven't eaten shit. Then another couple days go by and I'meating a pretty normal diet, but still no shit. Two weeks pass and not a stoolin sight. By now, I have to go real fucking bad, but the kids won't jump in thepool. I can't even sit down like a normal person; uncomfortable as a ass virginin prison. I'm taking everything from a loaf of whole wheat bread, to a sixpack of prune juice, to shit old people take (meatmcule and some gooey shit youmix in drinks). Still nothing. I'm complaining non-stop, which isunderstandable, because I have to shit so bad that I can't even think. Its beena week and a half by now...about twenty days with out taking a shit. My mom istrying to call the hospital, but I won't let her, that shit would be way tooembarassing. She gets all pissed and leaves, 'I'm going to the drug store.' Imthinking, great more granma pills. She gets home hands me a bag and shoves mein my bathroom and jams the door shut. I'm freaking out yelling and shit, so isshe. Finally shit settles down and I open the bag. It's a fucking home aenemakit, holy shit. I have to stick something up my ass, my fucking lord. After awhile vascilating on life, I open the box. The dirctions are the funniest thingI have ever read, with pictures too, which are even better. After morevascilation I figure, what the fuck...I can't go on living like this, I gottado it. The thing looks like one of those red generic kethup dispensers that cansquirt really far, except the squirt part is a little longer and its filledwith some sort of soapy liquid. So I pull that out and a little package of lubeand get the shit all ready. I assume the position, as perscribed on thedirections and slide it in. Amazingly, you can't feel it all that much, whichmakes sense, because I've had shits ten time the diamater of the littlesquirter thingy. Anyways, with the thing up my ass I squeeze the bottle untilevery last drop is in my colon and intestines and what not...that you canreally fucking feel, but it's not a bad feeling, just really weird. So that'sall finished...nothing. I sit up and some of the shit drips out, no biggy.Waiting. Waiting. Nothings happening at all, I still have to shit but it ain'thappening. And then it hit me, like a nuclear fucking bomb. My stomach startingmaking noses like when you bring burps up from your stomach...I'm freakingshit. I sit on the toilet and my ass is sing the siberian national anthem, butno poo. Then my ass starts going into convulsions, it really wants to shit butit can't. And then it happened, I lost all control of my anus, the flood gateswere open. It wasn't satisfying at all...I had no control whatsoever. I througha magazine rack, that is next to the toilet, and it broke into a thousandpieces...Freeze and Powder magazines everywhere. I'm still shitting likefucking mount vusuvius. I want to stop but I can't, my ass needs a break. Ipunch the wall denting it like a mother fucker, I thougt I broke my knuckles,but I was still shitting. I was honestly shitting for three minutes straight,and then a short break when I regained control, but then I lost it...It went onlike that for an eternity. Not only did I not shit for almost three weeks, butI was taking more than reccommended doses of two laxatives on top of excessivewheat products and prune juice...holy shit, I thought I was going to shit outmy lungs and heart. Finally I was done, but I was really sore, my asshole feltlike it was McJagger's mouth. But I shit, I got it all out, and probably someother stuff too. I fixed the magazine rack, but the dent is still there from myfist. But to this day I am scared shitless of penecillin. The moral of thisstory, don't take shitting for granted. Now I always set aside at least tenminutes to poo, and I always bring along good reading material, because I neverknow when the next time I won't be able to shit will be. Keep this in mindkids, poop is your friend, but can also be your worst enemy.

IFORGOT ONE THING! I shit so much that thw toilet got plugged miserably and theplumber had to come and fix it...if you don't believe me i will get a copy ofthe plumbers bill and take a pircture of the dent. It's the truth I tell you. Iwouldn't lie about something like this...something this life changing and mindaltereing. Anyhow, I love you all...except for Schwags, whom I wish thisterrible constipation upon.