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The OFFICIAL funny things that your coach says thread

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sowstochd
Posts: 1518 - Karma: 59

alright so we all know our coaches (football, soccer, rugby.lacrosse, hockey WHATEVER) have funny sayings and quotes of their own. lets all put them in this thread.

coach john- "guys, the defense is red headed step-child, beat it"

- if you say it like a pussy, you'll do it like a pussy. (insert heavy welsh accent, and stress on every 3rd word)

-ey lads i just turned 60 last week, ya know what that means? DROP AND GIVE ME 30 PUSHUPS


keep it goin

Mar 2 2008 9:01PM
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eastcoastsoloMAN
Posts: 1048 - Karma: 16
there are two things you can dive into, soccer ......... and pussy
Mar 3 2008 4:40PM
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M+M
Posts: 7935 - Karma: 25
my lax coach used to help me get better with this one
"eat a bag of dicks" and "shut the fuck up"
Mar 3 2008 5:29PM
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word-sauce
Posts: 1151 - Karma: 11
My hockey coach, a kid lost the puck in period one so from period one to the end of the game he was repeatedly saying" well ill be fucked, well ill be fucked" so after the game i asked him why hed be fucked and he said " cause FUCKING justin lost the FUCKING puck and cost us the game"...we won by the way.
Mar 3 2008 6:45PM
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BigM1218
Posts: 998 - Karma: 13
My football coach: "Chris hit that thing harder! Are you a pussy?"
Chris (Captain of the team): "I'm not a pussy coach, you're a pussy!"
Coach: "Maybe I am, you are what you eat!"

That is by far the funniest thing I've ever heard a coach say
Mar 3 2008 7:35PM
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Skierguy1234
Posts: 1684 - Karma: 88
My one golf coach is fucking crazy.
he's the psychology teacher at my highschool, and does the craziest things.
for example....(i'm in the class now)
we're studying the senses, and he asked us what it would be like if we didn't have them...
so he laughs and says "bring your coats tomoro, you'll need them"
the next day comes, he walks us into the basement of the school,
splits us into groups and puts us in boiler rooms, and the school's old bomb shelter.
he then shuts the lights off, locks the door, and laughs...
left us in there for about an hour.
we had to write a paper on it the next day.


here's some quotes:
"he can't golf, he's a pussy."

one kid on the team is reading a harry potter book,
"you know how it ends right? They cut off Harry Potter's cock."

some kid in my class answered this ridiculous question wrong,
the question was something like "how many nerve endings are there in every square inch of your brain?"  (and we never discussed this before)
he looks at this kid with the most serious face and says
"NO!! what are you stupid? how the hell did you pass second grade? i'm really getting tired of this classes kindergarten bullshit!!!"


by far my favorite teacher.
Mar 3 2008 7:50PM
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samwise
Posts: 2592 - Karma: 36

I always lose it when coaches tell us to "get our thumbs out of our asses" or "stop playing with our dicks" etc.

One time also, a jv lax coach said that my sister's ass went into next week.

Mar 3 2008 8:08PM
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Alex_G
Posts: 11902 - Karma: 1,019
"Excuses are like masturbation. You're only pleasing yourself!"

"Excuses are like assholes. Everybody's got one and they all stink."
Mar 3 2008 8:17PM
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skierdudeguy
Posts: 6574 - Karma: 81
yeah, my coach too
Mar 3 2008 8:21PM
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shea.
Posts: 1606 - Karma: 193
My rugby coach: a tie is just like a blowjob from your sister... you got there but it doesnt really count
Mar 3 2008 8:52PM
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-Kieran-
Posts: 1009 - Karma: 12
golf coach- 60 years old - "hey kieran thats a cool hat, ill fight you for it"
Mar 3 2008 9:09PM
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CDavis
Posts: 102 - Karma: 39
"zipper up your man-ginas and grow a pair"

my hero
Mar 3 2008 9:28PM
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breckfreeskier
Posts: 1541 - Karma: 22
Lax coach today said to the team:
"Your guys' grades suck. You need to stop jerkin it when you get home after school and do your homework. Then when you are done, I want you to cradle in front of the TV. Hell, I don't care, You can even jerk it in one hand and cradle it in the other. Grades are the most important though, followed by cradling, then jerkin it I guess"
Mar 3 2008 9:33PM
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sowstochd
Posts: 1518 - Karma: 59
hjahhahha
Mar 4 2008 12:24AM
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mackinnon
Posts: 5153 - Karma: 161
high school ski coach at our first team meeting of the year: "ok you guys know the drug policy? (silence) if you're going to do it, don't get caught....or just do it with me" hahaha
Mar 4 2008 12:25AM
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mistaskia
Posts: 1252 - Karma: 32
hahah that is beautiful... i laughed my ass off
Mar 4 2008 7:59PM
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ScrappyJoeYoung
Posts: 1407 - Karma: 1,277
soccer coach Blake - last practice before our last game "hey guys sorry i gotta end practice an hour early cause i have a hot date! peeaaaace" hahaha
Mar 4 2008 8:02PM
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Smuffy
Posts: 4686 - Karma: 3,408
"This is aerials, you cant have any of that gorilla skeeze."

thats not a typo, he actually thinks its pronounced skeeze
Mar 4 2008 8:15PM
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Bab.
Posts: 766 - Karma: 22
football coach : going through the playoffs is like having ten girls dancing naked for you. it costs a lot but its fucking worth it
Mar 4 2008 8:32PM
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~auddie~
Posts: 757 - Karma: 24
Filling out forms today, going through how to do it, coach c "if you're not sure of your sex, i can check for you"
Mar 4 2008 8:37PM
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twin-tip-hero
Posts: 2896 - Karma: 277
okay so my soccer coach is from spain and messes up words. so when we had a game he told us when he was all serious .(he is not a guy to fuck around with when he is serious!) He told us to stay focused on the game. and with his accent he said YOU MUST STAY FUCKUSED ON THE GAME and when he said that we all started to laugh non stop and he got really realled pissed. and so now he has never said that in front of us.
Mar 4 2008 8:41PM
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Reed.S
Posts: 1126 - Karma: 10
8th grade football coach (HICK) says nobody messes around before games or sock em in the mouth..so of course 2 kids mess around and our best starting lineman gets his teeth knocked out and the coach says"well that was one of the funniest things ive ever seen" NOW  GIVE ME YOUR TEETH I WANNA HANG THEM ON MY WALL AS A LESSON!!!! (we went 3-5 that season) wonder why?
Mar 4 2008 9:06PM
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Foxy_Grandpa
Posts: 594 - Karma: 12
"you have to score to win the game. and to score, you have to put the puck in the net...past the goalie...thats how we win...scoring"




after the game


"we lost...we lost because the other team scored more goals than us. they put the puck in the net more than we did.
Mar 4 2008 9:14PM
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fourhundred
Posts: 2760 - Karma: 21
a decent start
Mar 4 2008 9:32PM
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tomtheelf
Posts: 65 - Karma: 14
my football coach in middle school wrote part time or something for playboy. he was full of great stuff for impresinable 10 yr olds
Mar 5 2008 10:40AM
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breid23
Posts: 53 - Karma: 13

my lax coach like to say vanilla vanilla when ever someone shoots slow and he sometimes says vanilla,vanilla and i want chocolate

its hilarious when he says it

Mar 5 2008 11:51AM
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Skierguy1234
Posts: 1684 - Karma: 88
ok, am i going to sound like complete idiot if i ask what lax is?
don't care. what is it?
Mar 5 2008 6:32PM
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illy
Posts: 173 - Karma: 10
what makes this so official
Mar 5 2008 6:54PM
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Runnie_D
Posts: 743 - Karma: 31
Bahaha I just got the image of my coach doing that
Mar 5 2008 6:58PM
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skierdudeguy
Posts: 6574 - Karma: 81
lacrosse
Mar 5 2008 7:51PM
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Skierguy1234
Posts: 1684 - Karma: 88
ahhhh, that makes perfect sense. haha
my school doesn't have lacrosse.
Mar 5 2008 7:53PM
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Pistolero
Posts: 39 - Karma: 10
(to an opposing team standing next to the woods) "Girls do you have go to the bathroom. I can show you how" (proceeds to run into the woods)  -my 70 something female XC coach that, was leading us on a warmup run before a meet.

"Your not black, your Jamaican" 

"BLACK POWER!!! " 

there are too many to remember.
Mar 5 2008 8:10PM
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crussell
Posts: 194 - Karma: 28
Coach: "so tuck the ball in like this, I can hold onto it and i'll look prettier"
Me: "Coach, you always look pretty"
coach drops ball and walks away
Mar 5 2008 8:38PM
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laxstar
Posts: 1051 - Karma: 11
today at lax practice my coach said some funny shit....
"well we have to put a lot of new stuff in this year and you know what i am not a writer, I don't write books"   completely random and out of no where....

Mar 5 2008 10:16PM
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MCIRONCOCK
Posts: 3094 - Karma: 30

Football coach: "I think throwing up from running isn't that bad.  In fact, i like thyrowing up from running. I'd like to throw up in front of you guys from running, that would be pretty cool wouldn't it?"

I think we're in for some shitty practices

Mar 5 2008 10:42PM
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skierdudeguy
Posts: 6574 - Karma: 81
yes.
Mar 6 2008 9:55AM
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marc_sncl
Posts: 612 - Karma: 16
cant remember any but some are soo sick
Mar 6 2008 12:28PM
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