Happy Gilmore!

all i really remember is

"i eat peices of shit like you for breakfast"

"you eat shit for breakfast?"

4 lines. lets see what i can rap off the the top of my head:

Boy what the hell are you doin
364 more days till next years hockey try outs, gotta toughen up!
Cut that out! your makin me sick. So your a hockey player huh? Your gunna give that shit up, and concentrate on golf.
Who the hell are you?
Im chubbs pererson, the club pro here and im offerin to teach you how to play golf, personally, for free.
No
You have no idea who i am do you? Back in 1965 sports illustrated said i was going to be the NEXT arnold palmer
and...
they wouldnt let me play on the pro tour anymore.
awe im sorry, because your black?
HELL NO! damned alligator bit my hand off!
OH MY GOD
YEAH tournament down i florida, i hooked my ball into the rough down by the lake, damned alligator just popped up, cut me down in my prime, yeah, he got me, but i tore one of that bastards eyes out though, look at that!
your sick chubbs!


hope that helps. Single best movie ever produced on the face of the earth.

Whose the girl?

Hi im virginia vennet, director of public relations for the tour
oh, i have herd you have done some, interesting things..
Oh really? BEcause right now i am working on this cross promotional --
Jeez do you know what would be great? If i could get a pepsi
Right...
Oh and miss, diet.

how about that happy gilmore is a real crack up, what a hoot
hes bringin in some crowds
you know whats great? today one of his fans mooned me, it had HA on one check, and just sorta off PPY right there on the other. ha. I love what he is doing for golf.
Yeah i have started to be commin around
Yeah, WELL IM NOT DOUG
today i saw two fat naked bikers in the woods of 17, having sex. How can i CHIP, doug, with that going on in the woods? You have to kick him off the tour!
He hasnt broken any rules
He's a disgrace to the game!
You maybe right, but we are attracting new, youthful sponsers. Im sorry shooter, there is nothing i can do
WEll, looks like i will have to take matters into my own hands.

that couldn't have gone any better. So instead of hitting you, he hits bob barker. Perfect!
So ill see you at the next tournament right shooter?
Oh that wont be necessary, this was on national TV, gilmore is gone.
Well then lets get something to eat. Is there a red lobster near by? My treat
Maybe some other time.
SHOOTER! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO BE FRIENDS!
WE ARE.. i just... gotta go
WELL I WILL BE AT THE RED LOBSTER IN CASE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND SHOOTER
GOD BLESS!

Congratulations, murderer. You killed a golf legend.
BEat it mcgavin
you know what i am going to do today? Dedicate my performace to chubbs memory
To hell with that I AM playin for chubbs
NUH UH! i called it first

You wanna beat him> beat him on the course
YEAH THATS RIGHT IM GOING TO BEAT YOUR ASS ON THE COURSE
YEah - and grizzley adams had a beard
grizzle adams DID have a beard (that guy is hilarious!)

LEt me though, i am looking for my ball!
Is this your ball?
YEs, it is
IT seems to have struck my foot.
DOUG! DOUG! can i get a drop?
The rule says 'play it as it lies'
(shoot)
Thats two thus far shooter
OH WOW, YOU CAN COUNT
YEAH! AND YOU, CAN COUNT ON ME, WAITING FOR YOU, IN THE PARKING LOT
ohhhhhh shooter run for your life!




ok i totally probably have some STDs by now, but all this posting was for a good cause. Good times.

Shooter: Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say.
Happy: Hey, why don't I just got and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?

Hahaha that movie is fucking classic.

"thats two thus far shooter."
"oh good, you can count."
"and you can count, on me, waiting for you in the parking lot!"

now your gonna get it bobby!

great story

The price is wrong BITCH

You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up. Now you go to sleep or I will put you to sleep!

Remember that mista mista lady? I think I just killed her

after reading this thread i walked downtown and bought the movie..i will officially get no work done tonight

he shoots he scores!!!
wow that was so much easier than putting i should just try to get the ball in the hole in one shot every time
good play

Hey! what is going on here.

Oh um I was uh just looking for the other half of this bottle and uh, oh theres some of it, and theres some right there.

Why don't you just put it down.

Ya I know.

go to www.imdb.com get any good qoutes from any movie.

Shooter McGavin: Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
Virginia: What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore: I didn't *break* it, I was merely testing its durability, and I *placed* it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.
Nursing Home Orderly: Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today.
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: What's that?
Elderly Woman: My fingers hurt.
Nursing Home Orderly: Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so.
Happy Gilmore: During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
Happy Gilmore: Looks like a slight hill. Whaddya think?
Otto: And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore: Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.
Grandma: What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, She got hit by a car, she's dead.
Happy Gilmore: You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
Happy Gilmore: [to Bob Barker] The price is wrong, bitch.
Happy Gilmore: I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Virginia: Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah.
[Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Happy Gilmore: Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
Shooter McGavin: Just stay out of my way or you'll pay, listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore: Hey, why don't I just go and eat some hay. I can lay by the bay, make things out of clay, I just may, what'd ya say?
Chubbs: Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah? What happened?
Chubbs: They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore: Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Chubbs: Hell no! Damned alligator BIT my hand off!
[Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
Chubbs: Yeah. tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just POPPED up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of the bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
[Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
Happy Gilmore: You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
Happy Gilmore: [a limo passes by] Whoa, must be Burt Reynolds or somethin'.
[in slow motion, Happy hits a ball a great distance. Soon after, the ball bounces on a green and rolls into a hole. The crowd goes wild]
Happy Gilmore: [shouts] He shoots, he scores!
[Happy turns to Chubbs]
Happy Gilmore: Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Chubbs: Good plan.
[Chubbs chuckles as he pats Happy with his wooden hand. The two of them walk away]
Virginia: [to Shooter] Did you see that?
Shooter McGavin: Yes. Nice shot.
Virginia: He just got a Hole-in-One on a *par four*!
Shooter McGavin: I know. I just said I saw it.
Virginia: [laughs] Oh, I hope he *wins*. He's a publicist's *dream*. I mean, a guy who could drive the ball *that* far - oh, he could *really* draw a crowd.
[Virginia walks away smiling]
Shooter McGavin: [under his breath] You know what *else* could draw a crowd? A golfer with an arm growing out of his ass.
[Shooter follows Virginia scowling]
Chubbs: They never let me play on the pro tour.
Happy Gilmore: Oh I'm sorry Because your black?
Chubbs: HELL no. Damn alligator bit my hand off!
Happy Gilmore: OH MY GOD!
Grandma: Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly: You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.
Announcer: Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.
Happy Gilmore: If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
Happy Gilmore: I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Shooter McGavin: Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore: [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half] Let's do it, then!
Shooter McGavin: I meant on a golf course!
Virginia: Hey! What's going on?
Happy Gilmore: Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Virginia: Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, I know.
Shooter McGavin: I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore: [laughing] you eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter McGavin: No... I...
Chubbs: It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore: Get off of me.
Chubbs: Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore: Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
Terry: All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore: I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they SUCK.
Happy Gilmore: You little son of a bitch ball! Why you don't you just go home? That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL!
Happy Gilmore: Son of a bitch ball. Why can't you go home? Aren't you good enough for your home? ANSWER ME! Suck my white ass ball!
Crazy Old Lady: Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
Happy Gilmore: Here, eat that and leave us alone!
Happy Gilmore: Happy learned how to putt, UH-OH!
Donald: You suck! Ya Jackass!
Happy Gilmore: [to caddy] Where were you on that one, dipshit?
Shooter McGavin: Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.
Chubbs: Golf requires concentration and focus.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbor the accountant. Probably a great golfer. Huge ass.
Chubbs: I'll bet your neighbor the accountant doesn't have a shot at joining the pro tour, and winning the championships. Get that gold jacket like I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?
Chubbs: Golf's no different from Hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy Gilmore: Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, huge ass.
Chubbs: Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore: And how would I do that?
Chubbs: You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore: Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.
[Shooter McGavin has just hit the ball on Mr. Larson's foot]
Mr. Larson: That's two thus far, Shooter.
Shooter McGavin: Oh, you can count. Good for you.
Mr. Larson: And *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot.
Happy Gilmore: That's my puck, baby, don't you ever touch my puck.
Shooter McGavin: Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball... if you can find it.
[Shooter has just purchased Happy's Grandmothers house]
Happy Gilmore: What the hell is wrong with you?
Shooter McGavin: Well, Real Estate is a hobby of mine...
[Happy goes to hit McGavin]
Shooter McGavin: Ah ah. Take one more step, I burn the house and piss on the ashes.
Virginia: What the hell is going on here
Happy Gilmore: Erm... I was just looking for the other half of this bottle. Oh. There's some... and some more.
[Happy Gilmore cheers and uses a golf club to do bull dance]
Gary Potter: [to his caddy] Doing the Bull Dance, feeling the flow. Working, working.
[the press is interviewing Shooter McGavin]
Shooter McGavin: I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets hard to leave. I bet you put something to the water.
[Shooter McGavin is holding a speech for other golf players]
Shooter McGavin: Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time on the sand than David Hasselhoff.
Happy Gilmore: You're gonna die, clown.
Happy Gilmore: [to the clown hole at the mini-golf course after it spits out his ball] You're gonna die, clown!
[breaks its nose off with his golf club]
[an alligator eats Happy's ball]
Happy Gilmore: That Son of a Bitch. Give me my ball, come on, pop it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna... give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye, Chubbs. You took his hand.
Happy Gilmore: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the wrost. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.
Donald: Hey Gilmore, you suck ya jackass.
Happy Gilmore: Why don't you shut the hell up.
[during a fight with Bob Barker]
Happy Gilmore: Now you're gonna get it Bobby.
Announcer: We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
Bob Barker: I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore: You better relax, Bob.
Bob Barker: There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore: All right, let's go.
[Happy punches Bob in the face. Bob grunts as he stumbles to the ground]
Happy Gilmore: [after punching Bob Barker to the ground] You like THAT old man? You want a piece of ME?
Bob Barker: [shakes his head as he get up from the ground] I don't want a PIECE of you, I want the whole THING!
[Bob punches Happy in the stomach once then punches him in the face ten times. His tenth blow causes happy to fall into a small pond]
[Shooter has just stolen the jacket]
Mr. Larson: I believe that's Mr. Gilmore's.
Chubbs: Spoken like a true asshole.
Mover: I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore: Give me the stupid club.
[approaches the ball on the tee]
Happy Gilmore: [judging the club] Look at this stupid thing.
Mover: This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore: [sarcastically] Yeah you like that?
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Mover: Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore: Go back to work.
Mover: That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore: Is that good?
Mover: That's unbelieveable.
Mover: Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore: Bring it on.
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
Distant neighbor: You guys are going to pay for that. Ow.
Mover: You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore: He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover: One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore: You better pay up.
[Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Happy Gilmore: Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.
[to Bob Barker after Donald insults Happy]
Happy Gilmore: I'd like to punch that guy in the face right now. But I can't, you know, because I'd get in trouble. I bet you get a lot of that on "Let's Make A Deal."
Bob Barker: It's "The Price Is Right," Happy.
Happy Gilmore: [grimaces in embarrassment] Oh, yeah. Sorry.
Bob Barker: It happens. Let's play some golf.
Happy Gilmore: Okay.
[Happy Gilmore appears at a court hearing after having fought with Bob Barker]
Shooter McGavin: Hey, Happy Gilmore! Come on down!
Virginia: [stopping Happy from fighting Shooter] Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore: That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Shooter McGavin: Yeah, right. And Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino: Grizzly Adams *did* have a beard.
Donald: You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... you jackass!
Donald: You will not make this putt... you jackass!
Happy Gilmore: [after missing a slap shot by far] Dammit! Is this goal regulation size or what? Sheesh!
Shooter McGavin: [after Happy putts for Waterbury victory, sort of disappointed] Oh, he's gonna be on the tour that's... that's super.
[Happy does a funny victory "dance" with his caddy]
Shooter McGavin: That's... that's cute.
Donald: Shooter! Wanna go to the sizzler and catch some grub?
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter] Uh oh, Happy learned how to putt.
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter after hitting a longer drive] Somebody's closer!
Virginia: [Happy has just been hit by a car] Happy! Happy are you okay?
Happy Gilmore: [groaning] Volkswagon!
Donald: [out of the window, driving the car] Jackass!
[after Happy finally sinks his putt after 7 tries]
Guy on Green: It's about time!
Happy Gilmore: Yeah it is about time. I mean I just couldn't get the ball in the hole. I *wanted* to but I just couldn't do it.
[Happy rips off the guys shirt, and punches him in the stomach]
Happy Gilmore: That guy's driving me crazy.
Bob Barker: You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore: Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!
Bob Barker: [to Happy after beating him up] Now, you've had enough... bitch.
Chinese Lady: Hey! You no want breakfast?
Virginia: I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore: What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.
Crazy Old Lady: [after the air conditioner falls out the window] Mista, mista! Get this off of me!
[yells]
Crazy Old Lady: Mista!
Happy Gilmore: Hold on, I'll be right there!
Happy Gilmore: [turns to Grandma] Hey, you know that 'Mista Mista Lady'... I think I just killed her!
Happy Gilmore: [after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady] Remember that Mista, Mista lady? Well, I think I just killed her.
Chubbs: [Happy visits his happy place one last time, he sees Chubbs] Shut up, Happy. Don't feel bad about me. I got my hand back, see?
[Chubbs plays and sings "We've Only Just Begun" on the piano]
Mr. Larson: Trying to reach the green from here Shooter?
Shooter McGavin: I'm afraid that's impossible sir.
Mr. Larson: I beg to differ. Happy Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago.
Shooter McGavin: Well moron
[turns to see Mr. Larson for the first time]
Shooter McGavin: good for Happy Gimo - OH MY GOD!
Bob Barker: This guy sucks!
[Happy sinks an amazing putt]
Happy Gilmore: [to Shooter] Did that go in? I wasn't watching, did it go in? I didn't see it, could you tell me if it went in?
Happy Gilmore: You know that alligator that got your hand? Well I got his HEAD!
[opening narration]
Happy Gilmore: My name is Happy Gilmore. Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey. Wasn't really the greatest skater though. But that didn't stop my dad from teaching me the secret of his greatest slap shot.
[Young Happy, hits a hard plastic ball into his father's forehead]
Doug Thompson: Doin' the bull dance, feelin' the flow, feelin' it... feelin' it.
Mr. Larson: [after bending Shooter's club and while he's quickly walking away] Hey Shooter, forgetting your nine iron.
Donald: Good shooting soldier!
Doctor: Well, You're a little banged up but no serious injury's. Just keep off your feet for a few days.
Happy Gilmore: To Hell with that, I gotta finish up.
Doctor: Fine! Do whatever you like. What would I know, I'm just a Doctor.
Gary Potter: Harness in the good energy, block out the bad. Harness. Energy. Block. Bad. It's like a carousel. You put the quarter in, you get on the horse, it goes up and down, and around. Circular, circle. Feel it. Go with the flow.
Happy Gilmore: Psycho.

everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today!

my fingers hurt

whats that?

my fingers hurt

oh, well now your back is gonna hurt cause you just pulled landscaping duty. anybody elses fingers hurt?